Explaining To DD nothing I can do about Mean girls?! Help

amother ↓

Wed, Sep 09 2009, 10:10 am

My dd is in a class with some really mean girls. The class is mixed and there are very few girls. The girls are really mean to each other. I know the mothers of the girls of the class and unfortunately they are the types who are mean and snobby themselves. I can't explain to DD that that's the way they are and they won't change. They do things like exclude on the playground, have exclusive b-day parties/sleepovers, invite only the "popular" types on Shabbos. I feel really bad for my daughter since she's a wonderful like able. girl. However, even if I say something to the Morah things just won't change. I tried to explain to DD that you'll always have those types of girls and the best thing to do is be cordial but "keep your distance." IT BREAKS MY HEART>>>>>>WHAT SHOULD I DO??????

↑ amother ↓

Wed, Sep 09 2009, 10:28 am

I grew up with this. As someone who went thru what your poor dd is going thru, I'm asking you to please do something about this. Speak to the other parents of the nice girls and get together to do something. Speak to the teachers.
For the life of me, I cant figure out why bullying is tolerated. Why teachers and principles turn a blind eye. Bullying has far reaching affects into adulthood.

tzipp

Wed, Sep 09 2009, 10:59 am

1. Speak tothe teachers and principal. There is no excuse for them not dealing with this if they are aware of it. Still it will not be solved overnight, but you must do this.

2.Teach your daughter how to respond- for example if someone says something mean to her she should say- you know, that was not a nice thing to say, could you please not talk to me that way.
Direct and polite.

3. Get your daughter involved in some extra curricular activities, and try to get a couple other nice girls involved too. Not everything needs to be super expensive- you can buy plenty of art type activity books at a store like Michaels. Girls love crafts, jewelry and sprapbooking for example. And if you can afford lessons in something go for it too- dance, gymnastics, ice skating learnign to play a musical instrument etc. Remember, this money spent will be used on building your daughter's confidence, which is priceless.

Also, once you see your daughter has made a connection with a couple girls, which may take some engineering on your part, maybe you can take them on a trip someplace special once in a while...

4. Constant affirmations of how much you love and are proud of your daughter, help build her self esteem. Ask her how her day was, compliment her on everything, thank her for helping you etc.

↑ amother ↓

Wed, Sep 09 2009, 12:06 pm

There are just some classes that are like this. Even individually the girls might not be so mean, but in a pack they're just intolerable. Often the school can't or won't do anything, and it wouldn't matter much anyway. I've found that even in schools with anti-bullying programs, the bullies just find a place to bully where there isn't an adult watching. If the parents are also like this, going that way won't help either.

The only thing you can do is help your dd cope with the issues. Teach her to not be a willing victim. Role play situations with her (where you are the victim) and show her how to stand up for herself.

Also, if there are any nice girls in the class or in the neighborhood, facilitate playdates/sleep overs (if dd is old enough) and make your house a fun place to be. That was the best advice I got from a friend when similar issues were going on in my dd's class.

Mean girls are never fun, especially when other girls try and be mean to 'get in' with that crowd. B'H my dd found two girls to be friends with last year, and it literally saved her year. You can also talk to her (or even the morah) about fostering an "anti-bullying" culture in the classroom. It may or may not help. The one thing that bullies respond to is 'negative publicity' from others. Meaning if other kids stand up for the victim, and say "you know, that wasn't nice to say." It's the bystanders that let the bully get away with the behavior. We need to teach all of our children to stand up for others. It's not easy, but it is the only way this type of behavior will end. When it becomes unpopular to bully or tease other children, then the bullies will stop. Until that time, we need to strengthen our own children to at least stand up for themselves.

It's not a fun situation, I've been there with dd and one ds. (and the ds is a popular kid). Much hatzlacha.

↑ amother

Wed, Sep 09 2009, 12:38 pm

hycup wrote:

One thing to stop the cliques from forming is making it a school rule that everyone from the class has to be invited to the b-day party. And there should be consequences for rule breakers.

I agree but it never happens! I think it's up to the parents to teach the kids middos tovos. I can't imagine ever allowing my child to do such a thing.

gryp

Wed, Sep 09 2009, 1:19 pm

The only ones who can stop such a thing are the teachers, who can make the class work together on different projects throughout the year, different girls working with girls other than their best friends. This opens up the social circles and girls who don't know each other well can develop respect and friendship.

Please speak to the teacher. I feel strongly that it is the teacher's responsibility to solve this problem and not doing so is neglectful. I grew up with this for many years throughout school and I can't even describe how bad it was.

Fox

Wed, Sep 09 2009, 1:52 pm

Tzipp said it better than I could, and in fewer words, too. Even when the teachers, administrators, and parents are genuinely motivated to stamp out "meanness," it's hard. Even more so when any of the above deny that there's really a problem. And, of course, for every rule made, mean girls are rocket scientists when it comes to finding an alternative way to be mean.

Definitely let the teacher and principal know that they should be taking action, but don't expect miracles. Take Tzipp's advice on how to make the year good for your DD anyway, and remind her that the world operates midda keneged midda. Mean girls generally are repaid eventually.

Starhavah

Wed, Sep 09 2009, 2:06 pm

I agree in part with a lot of what was said here but I absolutely, vehemently disagree with the hand-wringing. It is the responsibility of the parents AND the teachers to teach middos. If there is no consequence for rule breaking you can be sure it will go on. Have a meeting with the teacher, the principal and the Rabbi of the school. Say in no uncertain terms that either they create a series of consequences for mean actions in school 9including the distribution of invitations to birthday parties, etc) or you will pull your child out. Better your child go to a school with a slightly different haskafa and be happy than they hate life and consequently Judaism.

It should be explained to the parents that toleration of this sort of behavior is an averia.