biting/hitting etc HELP ME

Ima2NYM_LTR ↓

Wed, Jul 08 2009, 4:44 pm

my son , 5 years old, has turned into an absolute horror since DD was born 2 weeks ago. he started off the camp year by running away from his group all the time, and since then it has degraded to using potty words and hitting/bitting/kicking/spitting/etc other kids and the counselors. This is not his normal mode. While he is enthusiastic (ie wild), he never is mean or outright bad. I know it is sibling rivalry, but meanwhile he gets labeled as a bad kids and is risking being thrown out of camp. He says each day he will not do these things, but each day the director needs to pull him aside and sit him down as a punishment. Nothing I do at home...either positive attention or punishments helps.

HELP ME PLEASE. I cant take this and I am in tears

happymom ↓

Wed, Jul 08 2009, 4:58 pm

it is normal for a child to need extra love and POSITIVE attention in and out of school. doesnt sound like this camp is the right place for him if they cannot understand that its normal for a little boy to act out at that age because they need someone to pay extra attention to them, and if its not gonna be lots of postive attention and talking/validating thier feelings, it will be acting our for negative attention. even when a child tries hard to only be good, they have such intense different feelings going on when there is a new baby in the home, they have a hard time.

I worked for a couple months with my daughter after I had a baby. that was the hardest part but she was my focus and it was well worth it! when she would hit the baby I would NOT punish her (she only actually managed to hit the baby maybe once because I watch ever second to stop it before it happened) Instead, I would teach her how to deal with her feelings (after the fact that of course I made it clear that while negative feelings are normal, and its normal to sometimes feel such sad or other feeling that we want to hit, but it is not allowed!) for example, if I was holding the baby for a long time, and I saw she was jealous so she would try and hit the baby I would sit her down and ask her how she feels. I would tell her that if she wants mommy, she just needs to say "mommy can you please put the baby down I want you to be with me" I made a date with her once a week to go out somehwere special (the park, store etc) JUST with her.... and I also had a special thing for her each time I nursed so she could be involved. we spoke and read alot of feelings about a new baby, and we stressed how much the baby loves her and looks up to her. she started to put on shows for the baby, and kiss him. hitting is thank g-d a thing of the passed. for all the people who told me, why arent you punishing her for hitting... I decided to take the long but in the end short way. I taught her a life lesson, which is hwo to communciate feelings without being physical.

I also try and think what punishing them would accomplish. ok so child a is child of the new baby, so she hits the baby. she is then put in her room. what does this older child feel? loving towards the baby? like she is sorry? I think not! its more something like "I HATE that baby! not only will I hit that baby next time, I will Bite him, or hit him three times. and then the cycle never ends with the punishments. yes, maybe a child will stop our of fear of the parent seeing. that will not stop the child from doing it behind his parents back, or from knowing how to communicate. they will feel they are bad for having these feelings that make them hit because noone is teaching them how to deal with them. before a child knows what ELSE to do instead of hitting, his instinct is to hit. a child never learned, and thats why they have parents. to give them ways to handle situations without being physical. this takes alot of time and patience but not only does it work with my kids, when I was a teacher for four years, I taught every kid how to communicate instae of hitting. I did not punish them when they hit (sometimes I would give them they choice of staying safe around everyone or being at thier own table, because its my job to keep the class safe and yes sometimes they chose to sit somehwere else not close to where they can hit another child if it got outr of hand) but what I focused on what what ELSE they can do when whatever it was that happened caused them to hit, out of frustration and not knowing what else to do.

↑ Ima2NYM_LTR ↓

Wed, Jul 08 2009, 5:04 pm

the camp has been very understanding. each time there is an incident he is taken to the director who sits down with him and he inevitably promises not to do it any more. they are being very patient, but they also have to protect the other children. I understand that.

He is actually very good with his sister, always trying to watch out for her and take care of her...too much at times.

I have given him 1 on 1 time, gone on walks with him without her, etc. We got him a toy, which we had to take away days later for continuously hurting. I told him that its ok to be mad about the baby, and he should talk to me, and I try to give him time to vent every day. Nothing helps!!!!!!!!!!

↑ happymom ↓

Wed, Jul 08 2009, 5:08 pm

still it doesnt sound liek the camp is dealing with it right. to go the the directer for hitting? the counselor should be able to deal with that and have some sort of positive system with him to help him. like a self control chart or something. can you speak to his counselor and find out whats going on, what is upsetting him in the bunk, and how she deals with it?

I just think its better to stop the hitting before it happens (he knows its not ok) and talk to him about his feelings when he is calm, always reacssuring him how much you love him, without making a big deal about it, withouit taking toys away and try to always catch him doing the right thing. make a big deal only about that. maybe he feels its giving him negative attention, which is still attention./

↑ happymom

Wed, Jul 08 2009, 7:17 pm

the fact that the counselors are teenagers is probably the main problem. I would think speaking to them and giving them tips and finding out what they are doing can really help. it could be they have no clue and get into a power struggle with him (I could be wrong but there are plenty of teens who are counselors and dont know how to deal with kids and if this is the case, it must be really hard for your son)

and for the chart... I dont know if you got that from my post but if yes, what I always did was talk to them about the great mitzvah of self control. and how sometimes we feel like doing the wrong thing so badly, but we we do the right thing instead (use words, tell the morah, ask for help etc) thats having self control and the chart would be for every time the child had self control and even if he wasnt perfect if I could see they were trying, I would count that as an effort and praise them for it.