Annual school dinner...don't want to go...WWYD?

OOTBubby

Thu, Jun 11 2009, 1:38 pm

Most of what Fox said is 100% correct.

I can add a few details as one who has been on the inside of the planning of many of these affairs. First of all every one I've been involved with (which includes numerous assorted organizations) is more than happy to accept a seating request and does their best to honor it. All those I've been involved with have had the seating done by volunteers who may spend many hours on it until the very late hours of the night.

We have had personal experience of a number of organizations where we have said "we will donate $XX, we don't need an ad and we don't need to come". In every case they have told us they are putting in an ad for us (they want the book as big as possible) and would prefer that we come if possible too as it is important that they have as many people attending as possible.

Our former childrens elemetary school (now our grandchildren's school) tries very had to get a very high percentage of the parent body to attend and there is very positive feeling about it.

↑ amother

Thu, Jun 11 2009, 2:04 pm

OP here. It's interesting to read everyone's posts. I am beginning to feel depressed about the whole thing. Sounds like the consensus is, they want me there to make the event look packed so the rich donors will feel like their money's gone to a good cause. Why why why do I have to be part of the kiss-up-to-the-rich-people thing yet again, on my children's cheshbon? Ugh it is so distasteful to me. Of course that's easy for me to say, but I'm not the one in the trenches every day trying to raise money and keep the school running.

Another question: do you think we did the wrong thing by only paying for my husband's dinner seat? He sent in the form saying he'd be attending but that I wouldn't be. I guess we could pay for my seat too, but say I'm not attending. We already gave a lot of money, though, for the journal ad. Double what we gave last year, because they sent home a letter saying how the economy's hard and they're having trouble raising money.

↑ ss321 ↓

Thu, Jun 11 2009, 4:37 pm

amother wrote:

You dont need to "give in." you are rasing a family. if it is inconvenient, dont feel guilty about not going to a dinner so they feel like a rich donor's ___ can be kissed enough. not your obligation.

amother wrote:

Another question: do you think we did the wrong thing by only paying for my husband's dinner seat? He sent in the form saying he'd be attending but that I wouldn't be. I guess we could pay for my seat too, but say I'm not attending. We already gave a lot of money, though, for the journal ad. Double what we gave last year, because they sent home a letter saying how the economy's hard and they're having trouble raising money.

absolutely not, esp considering that you put in an ad as well.

louche ↓

Fri, Jun 12 2009, 12:36 am

School dinner no-show here. No one is obligated to attend the dinner provided you pay up whatever the parental $ obligation is. The question is, how big is the school and the dinner. I feel perfectly at ease not going to the school dinner b/c they get 500 ppl or so and my presence will in no way be missed. furthermore, when I give my obligation I'm entitled to 2 free tix. if I don't go, they save the cost of 2 dinners.

otoh I do feel obligated to go to my shul dinner, b/c they get maybe 100 people and if we don't go our presence will be missed. Not that they miss us as us, we're not so arrogant to think that, but when you have a small crowd to begin with, every absence is noticeable. so if the school would get only 100 ppl at the dinner, I'd feel obligated to go.

↑ Marion

Fri, Jun 12 2009, 1:32 am

louche wrote:

You have a parental OBLIGATION to fund the dinner??????????????????? (Is there an eye-boggled smiley?)

I'm sorry, that's just so wrong, on so many levels, IMO. I'm so glad I'm not part of that "scene".

↑ louche ↓

Fri, Jun 12 2009, 12:16 pm

You have a parental obligation to either bring in $X in ads or give them $X. I have never been good at fundraising. I just can't do it, even if it's not for me but for a good cause, I'm humiliated to ask people for donations. Besides, my friends are all in the same boat. So I take out an ad for the sum that they expect. I call this my "protection money"--it protects me from the mortification and tircha of going around trying to collect ads from people who are already being approached by all the other parents of the same school.

Clarification: you're not funding the dinner. You're funding the school. (They could skip the family obligation and tack that sum onto your tuition, but a donation to the journal is tax-deductible and tuition is not. ) The fundraising dinner is for many orgs the single biggest fundraiser of the year, one on which they depend to provide three quarters of their annual budget, though Chinese auctions are rapidly replacing dinners as top providers. Unfortunately, human nature is such that many ppl will not stam give tzedaka but want to get something back. They'll give you $1000 to see their name in print, or eat rubber chicken in a fancy hotel, or take a chance on winning a min k coat, but they won't just fork over the big bucks. It's sad, because those incentives are an expense and the org only gets what's left over after production costs. In fact, many high-society fundraisers are so expensive to run that the charity gets only a tiny fraction of the money that's raised.

that's why I take out one ad for the full sum of my obligation instead of taking out a whole slew of smaller ones. I have no need to see my name in print, and one big plain stupid ad that says ""Greetings from the Louche Family" costs less to produce than a dozen small ads. Frankly, I'd be just as happy to fork over the dough and skip the ad, but there's the idea that by giving publicly you encourage other to give, too. So I do what I have to do to be yotze, so ppl should know I gave, but I spare the tzibbur the "joy" of seeing my name more than once. (I also have rachmones on the typesetter. You ever see the manifestoes people cram into a sixteenth of a page? yeesh! )

↑ ss321 ↓

Fri, Jun 12 2009, 7:25 pm

louche wrote:

Clarification: you're not funding the dinner. You're funding the school. (They could skip the family obligation and tack that sum onto your tuition, but a donation to the journal is tax-deductible and tuition is not. ) The fundraising dinner is for many orgs the single biggest fundraiser of the year, one on which they depend to provide three quarters of their annual budget, though Chinese auctions are rapidly replacing dinners as top providers. Unfortunately, human nature is such that many ppl will not stam give tzedaka but want to get something back. They'll give you $1000 to see their name in print, or eat rubber chicken in a fancy hotel, or take a chance on winning a min k coat, but they won't just fork over the big bucks. It's sad, because those incentives are an expense and the org only gets what's left over after production costs. In fact, many high-society fundraisers are so expensive to run that the charity gets only a tiny fraction of the money that's raised.

you are right, I would rather pay less tuition and give a larger donation (more tax deductions)
but giving a donation is one thing, I will gladly do that. to get a phone call telling me that my presence at a dinner where there will probably be 400-1000 people (this is NY im talkng about, not out of town cities with smaller towns and smaller communities), I mean, give me a break. unless im the honoree, my presence isnt going to make one iota of a difference, so cut teh cr** and take my donation and the end. I dont need to go to enhance his kavod. Why you might ask? we are both gone all day, and nighttime, with as few exceptions as possible (family or close friends weddings/bar mitzvahs, wedding anniversary, emergencies, need to work late, on call, etc) are family time. so to take an entire night out, and pay a babysitter to go to a dinner where I dont even want to be there to listen to all the speeches, AND have already paid the cost of the seats, AND bought a journal ad, well seriously - take the rubber chicken portion you would be giving us, and use the $ to buy 2 schoolbooks or some basic school supplies instead.

↑ cassandra ↓

Sat, Jun 13 2009, 11:13 pm

ss321 wrote:

well seriously - take the rubber chicken portion you would be giving us, and use the $ to buy 2 schoolbooks or some basic school supplies instead.

It doesn't work. It has been proven time and time again that dinners are the biggest fundraisers and people don't just give a few hundred dollars to buy books but they give money for dinners, even the people who claim they'd rather have their money spent on something other than the dinner. Even the "non-dinner" dinners don't raise as much money as actual dinners. It's annoying, but it's the reality.

MidwestMommy

Sun, Jun 14 2009, 12:18 am

Fox wrote:

Most of the fundraisers I know believe that attendance is just as important or more so than the money.

Agreed. I'm a little surprised with all the negativity about these functions. Maybe it depends on the community. In a small-ish out-of-town community like ours, it really is just as important to attend the event, or even more important, than the money itself. In fact, if you say that you cannot pay the whole thing, I think (at least here) they'll let you pay what you can but still come. For places like these, it's not just all about the rich people, it shows a sense of achdus within the school and the community. While we don't have a lot of money, we do think it's important to show these organizations that we stand behind them. While I totally understand not wanting to go with a baby, if it's possible to go, then IMHO, I think it's good to go and show your support.

↑ cassandra ↓

Sun, Jun 14 2009, 10:07 pm

louche wrote:

ss321 wrote:

well seriously - take the rubber chicken portion you would be giving us, and use the $ to buy 2 schoolbooks or some basic school supplies instead.

that's my take on it, too, which is why I don't go to the big events. but sadly most ppl don't feel that way and that forces the orgs to go the dinner route.

No. Most people SAY they feel that way, but when asked for money with no event attached to it and no honorees, they do not give the same amount. Plus, when you honor someone you can raise money from those who do not have a connection to the organization.

↑ ss321 ↓

Mon, Jun 15 2009, 10:27 am

IDK, I go to alot of parlor meetings (no bs long speeches, no tables, usually no "honorees" just a host), yet I rarely go to dinners. parlor meetings take an hour or maybe 2, dinners take an entire night, and you have to shmooze, socialize, BS, and sit through boring speeches when you have kids at home. parlor meetings, you go, give your money (and most of the x, you can tell them whether you want them to "announce" / "publicize" your name and how much you gave or not, which is nice - the people who want to show off, can, the people who really dont want to show off and want to go just to show support, dont have to be embarassed of how much they are giving). unless I am friends with the honoree or sincerely have a good reason to WANT to go to the dinner, I skip it and we do parlor meetings instead. Im not going to waste my evenings to kiss some billionare's butt. I give tzedaka, and I am not stingy. but I dont play games with my $.

↑ ss321 ↓

Mon, Jun 15 2009, 10:54 am

cassandra wrote:

Though there are a handful of exceptions, parlor meetings are usually done for smaller, lesser known organizations and are not anywhere near the money maker dinners are. Parlor meetings usually take place when there isn't the infrastructure or interest for a dinner.

not here.
parlor meetings are usually held in addition to dinners, and you are usually expected to give MORE at a parlor meeting than the cost of going to the dinner (500 or so). many yeshivos here have small parlor meetings in peoples homes, in ADDITION to dinners. yes, organizations that have a parlor meeting in place of a dinner, those are usually smaller ones that lack the infastructure and/or funds necessary to plan a dinner, but there are parlor meetings that take place in addition to the regular dinner, thats something else.

↑ ss321

Mon, Jun 15 2009, 11:15 am

cassandra wrote:

So if they raise money from both, what would be the logic in cutting out dinners?

hey! I never ever said cut out dinners!
I just said (in response to the OP) "dont go if you dont want to"
and I dont like going, and try to make it to the parlor meetings instead when possible.

parlor meetings for me personally, make more sense:
1. I dont need to kiss up to anyone
2. I don't need to do the BS talking and socalizing with people Im not even friends with
3. I dont need to come home see my kids for 1 millisecond and go get dressed to go out somewhere where I wont even get to spend time (let alone quality time!) with my DH because they are separate seating
4. and I dont need to waste my entire evening listening to speeches. 1 hr, in and out, the end.

if someone else wants to go to a dinner (which might "cost" less, because its "only" 200/250/500 to go?), gezunteheit, go! Schools and all other organizations need you there (well, not you, but your money). we will gladly put in an ad, and go to the parlor meeting instead, so we waste less of our quality night time hours which we like to spend with our kids. I am very thankful to those who have spent countless hours planning dinners. And I myself have helped with such planning- like I said, Ive volunteered on the committees to help with decor, flowers, stuff like that. But my night time hours, when I am not in school, are for my DH and my kids. not to sit with a bunch of women Im usually not even friends with and sometimes dont even know, and make small talk.