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Forum
-> Relationships
-> Manners & Etiquette
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amother
OP
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 Wed, Apr 10 2024, 5:58 pm
I just don't get it!
I know I'm youngish to be making pesach especially that my parents really have the space to host us. But, we have been disinvited for a few years already because asking to come means going thru a whole talking to that they don't like that I don't do all their things that married daughters are supposed to do. like call every single night to check in with mom. make sure to call if need be 20 times on erev shabbos because you MUST wish your parents good shabbos on friday no matter what. and all sorts of things like that. it would come with yellings and threats and I'm done with dealing with it. so we just don't ask to come and we have never been offered/invited since.
But why in the world would you ask me 'But why are you not going?? everyone has their private reasons. keep your comments to yourself!!!
(and when I excuse myself, please don't further question my excuses. but your mom wouldn't squeeze you in anyway?.....
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amother
Brass
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Wed, Apr 10 2024, 6:07 pm
| amother OP wrote: | I just don't get it!
I know I'm youngish to be making pesach especially that my parents really have the space to host us. But, we have been disinvited for a few years already because asking to come means going thru a whole talking to that they don't like that I don't do all their things that married daughters are supposed to do. like call every single night to check in with mom. make sure to call if need be 20 times on erev shabbos because you MUST wish your parents good shabbos on friday no matter what. and all sorts of things like that. it would come with yellings and threats and I'm done with dealing with it. so we just don't ask to come and we have never been offered/invited since.
But why in the world would you ask me 'But why are you not going?? everyone has their private reasons. keep your comments to yourself!!!
(and when I excuse myself, please don't further question my excuses. but your mom wouldn't squeeze you in anyway?..... |
Op I'm sorry. I am a BT and for years people looked at me like I had three eyes when I said I was making pesach. They would feel "sorry" for me that I had to do all the work and be by myself. Or the years we went to a program and people said "you're just here by yourselves? But why? What about your families?" Seriously it's no ones business. We really need to normalize being more sensitive to these things in the frum world. Hope you have a great pesach!
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amother
Saddlebrown
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Wed, Apr 10 2024, 6:09 pm
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same same!! OP Im a BT and hate when people ask me why am I home for pesach... im married 4 years and have been making pesach since shana rishona. And it actually was nice to stay home just us!
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amother
Brass
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Wed, Apr 10 2024, 6:11 pm
| amother Saddlebrown wrote: | | same same!! OP Im a BT and hate when people ask me why am I home for pesach... im married 4 years and have been making pesach since shana rishona. And it actually was nice to stay home just us! |
Yup. It's really annoying. I like just being with my little family. We've had my non frum family before and it was so stressful. I much prefer to do our own thing.
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amother
Slategray
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Wed, Apr 10 2024, 6:16 pm
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I just say we like to stay home. Everyone sleeps best in their own beds.
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amother
Diamond
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Wed, Apr 10 2024, 6:26 pm
Umm indeed nobody’s business.
I call my mother every single morning and first thing motzai shabbos
I’m not resentful tho I’m grateful that I have parents. Maybe you need to figure out why the expectation of connection is irritating
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amother
NeonPink
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Wed, Apr 10 2024, 6:28 pm
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People ask me, and I just say I wasn’t invited. Because that’s what it is. I’m sad because my kids wish we could go to fam , and I do to- but they don’t care to have us. I’ve invited them, and they don’t care to come . Trying so hard to make it nice for them, but it’s not easy
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singleagain
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Wed, Apr 10 2024, 6:47 pm
| amother Diamond wrote: | Umm indeed nobody’s business.
I call my mother every single morning and first thing motzai shabbos
I’m not resentful tho I’m grateful that I have parents. Maybe you need to figure out why the expectation of connection is irritating |
Don't do exactly what OP is warning against.
Obviously there is more to the story but the point OP is making is that that story is not anyone's business. I'm sure there's way more than "the expectation of connection" it's probably an unhealthy expectation.
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amother
OP
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Wed, Apr 10 2024, 7:04 pm
| amother Slategray wrote: | | I just say we like to stay home. Everyone sleeps best in their own beds. |
I can't really use that excuse  we are happily going to my in laws for part of pesach...
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amother
OP
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Wed, Apr 10 2024, 7:10 pm
| amother Diamond wrote: | Umm indeed nobody’s business.
I call my mother every single morning and first thing motzai shabbos
I’m not resentful tho I’m grateful that I have parents. Maybe you need to figure out why the expectation of connection is irritating |
this was totally not the point of this post! but now that you felt like you had to, I can explain just a bit more in short.
I actually call my parents probably every other day. I hate phones in general and I work all day and don't shmooze on the phone in front of my kids. night comes and I'm exhausted. I push myself to call them because I know its important to them but its not enough for them. its always something else.
we go visit during the week etc when we can but they always want us to come more often (and no, they do not offer to let my kids eat supper there, or let me bring my own food to eat there etc. they make no effort to make it somewhat easier to put myself out to them. and whatever I do do is totally not even noticed and the next 'issue' they have is mentioned. it goes on and on. they are just unhealthy. we deal with it okay. but I'm not inviting myself because that gives them the opening to yell and scream at me for every darn thing they think I'm supposed to be doing. I will not put myself thru that just to get an invitation.
I hope you don't start to continue telling me I'm wrong. because that was the whole point of this post!! we've spoken to smart people about this and we are following guidelines. if they can't come down to us and invite us because they want to, not because I beg them to come, then we are just not coming. as sad as I am about it.
thanks for listening and please remember DO NOT ask someone why are you not going!
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amother
Offwhite
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Wed, Apr 10 2024, 7:28 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | I can't really use that excuse we are happily going to my in laws for part of pesach... |
Hey op are you my sil?? by us we also dont go to a parent 
I make up that my mom is having too many ppl/something came up.. I basically shove it on to my parents that its not working out.
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amother
OP
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Wed, Apr 10 2024, 7:41 pm
| amother Offwhite wrote: | Hey op are you my sil?? by us we also dont go to a parent
I make up that my mom is having too many ppl/something came up.. I basically shove it on to my parents that its not working out. |
LOL maybe! but my mom is lot less harsh on my brothers. I'm the only girl...
I blame it all on my parents too! but then I hear from others that my mom makes it sound like I'm some kind of martyr so she can excuse herself. it gets me so upset.
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amother
Slategray
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Wed, Apr 10 2024, 7:43 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | I can't really use that excuse we are happily going to my in laws for part of pesach... |
So I don't understand you are going away for part of Pesach. Everyone does what works for them. Maybe your over thinking it too much into it. People like to make conversation sometimes. Not always are they prying and want real answers.
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iammom
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Wed, Apr 10 2024, 7:47 pm
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OP, props to you for your boundaries and awareness. It sounds like your parents have an unhealthy requirements of their married children and it must be very tough to navigate. I’m assuming not going to them for yom tov is probably easier emotionally and mentally for you anyways.
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amother
OP
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Wed, Apr 10 2024, 8:34 pm
| amother Slategray wrote: | | So I don't understand you are going away for part of Pesach. Everyone does what works for them. Maybe your over thinking it too much into it. People like to make conversation sometimes. Not always are they prying and want real answers. |
of course people like to make conversation. Not going to my parents is very hard for me in a few ways. there are friends and neighbors that ask me If I'm being home and when I answer yes, we move on and maybe discuss the stress or time it takes to turn over/clean etc.
then there are those that say 'your staying home? you not going to your parents? why not??. sorry but that crosses a line. you dont' ask someone such a questions. there could be 100 reasons why someone can't or won't go and there are many ways to carry a conversation without asking that question.
of course most don't actually care that I'm not going to family. but you dont' have to ask why! just accept that I said I'm not going when you asked! I didn't say you can't ask if you're going or not. just don't ask WHY NOT
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amother
OP
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Wed, Apr 10 2024, 8:35 pm
| iammom wrote: | | OP, props to you for your boundaries and awareness. It sounds like your parents have an unhealthy requirements of their married children and it must be very tough to navigate. I’m assuming not going to them for yom tov is probably easier emotionally and mentally for you anyways. |
Thank you!!!
Yes, it happens to be really nice to be home. But its sad for me that my kids and myself don't get to spend time with my family...
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amother
Cantaloupe
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Wed, Apr 10 2024, 8:45 pm
I’m with you all the way OP. It sickens me every year.
| amother Diamond wrote: | Umm indeed nobody’s business.
I call my mother every single morning and first thing motzai shabbos
I’m not resentful tho I’m grateful that I have parents. Maybe you need to figure out why the expectation of connection is irritating |
Maybe your expectation of connection is not irritating but try connecting with super unhealthy, narcissistic, self-centered parents and then you won’t be asking what’s irritating about it. If you don’t get what this is all about, just accept that you don’t understand these circumstances and move on.
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amother
Almond
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Wed, Apr 10 2024, 8:48 pm
just have a ready answer and say lightly "oh that's just the way it worked out this year!" and change the subject and turn the attention on them, most people do like to talk about themselves anyway ask them what they are doing etc or totally different topic
not everything has to be answered or discussed
good life skill to develop
hugs and hatzlocha
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familyfirst
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Wed, Apr 10 2024, 9:11 pm
Dear OP-
It is so much easier to make Pesach yourself. Made our kitchen Pesachdik since first year , even when eating out some meals.
Consider it a long shabbos. Keep it super simple. Seriously, it’s easier to stay home than to go away
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kiwi strawberry
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Wed, Apr 10 2024, 10:38 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | I can't really use that excuse we are happily going to my in laws for part of pesach... |
If you are going to them second days maybe you can say "We like being home for the sedarim.."
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