Tired of self-centered teens and young adults

amother

Denim

Sun, Apr 07 2024, 10:35 pm

amother Moonstone wrote:

Picking your battles means you sometimes say no. And from what you said, you're clearly educating your kids.

When I blame parents, I'm talking about the ones who let their kids do things that are totally unacceptable because they're afraid of saying no. Maybe that's not you, and maybe that's not all self-centered teenagers. Just many of the ones I work with.

My guess is that teachers don't always see the entire home picture, and also that even when they do, teens feed attitudes and behaviors off each other constantly. The things my teens learned from their friends- it is very hard to combat.
Quick example, I have been trying to get my 17 year old son his driver's permit for a while now. Firstly for ID and also because he is the type to drive his friend's car on a whim. So I figured, better with a permit than without. I'm not ready to get him driving lessons yet but with a permit he'd be a step closer. He will not read the driver's manual, the permit book. Refuses flat out. He says all his friends cheated on it and passed without an issue. None of them read the permit book and he won't be the one who does. He knows I don't go for cheating. I told him it's not happening, he will not cheat to pass. He can read the book like every teen besides his friends and do his best to pass. We are in a standstill. So what did I gain? He doesn't have an easy ID card to hold onto, he'll end up driving without a permit at some point soon, and he thinks I'm the strictest stupidest most interfering mother. Hopefully in there he is also learning a lesson in honesty. Who do I have to thank? His friends who were somehow allowed to cheat on their permit tests. Maybe I'm proving the point now about parents who don't say no to their kids. Or they don't know what's going on with their kids.

amother

Amber

Sun, Apr 07 2024, 10:35 pm

amother Midnight wrote:

This is such an unfair generalization. I’m
24 and my friends and I are so far from the disrespectful people you are describing.

My sister is around your age, and she thinks she's awesome too. So awesome that she gets to tell her parents and elders exactly what's what, because they clearly know nothing and she knows so much more than them.

amother

Honey

Sun, Apr 07 2024, 10:54 pm

Martyr mom here, yes with my worry and vigilance of not allowing my kids to be as parentified as I have been ...ive created the monster (referring to the behavior not the teens ch"v)

and by encouraging emotional intelligence and creating space for their likes dislikes opinions feelings, they are now pretty entitled.

sweet creative talented, so so soooo well taken care of and oh boy... overly self involved .

we dont repeat our parents mistakes we just make a whole new set of them

amother

Vermilion

Sun, Apr 07 2024, 11:01 pm

amother Whitesmoke wrote:

I think this generation of parents has the hardest time parenting than any other generation and for 1 reason.
There is a ton of pressure to parent correctly and a ton of fear of messing up. There is so much info available that parents have no excuse not to parent well. This also leads to parents only trusting the experts and not their own intuition and outsourcing parenting to experts and therapists because a mere parent is not good enough anymore.

Since its human to be imperfect this generation of parents is the most self-critical and criticized generation.

Our grandparents never thought twice about parenting correctly.

This mindset carries into the children and teaches them that the way they are raised and turn out is the most important thing.

👏👏

GLUE

Sun, Apr 07 2024, 11:29 pm

amother Amber wrote:

I think it was Mark Twain who said this:

When I was 17, my father was so stupid, I didn't want to be seen with him in public. When I was 24, I was amazed at how much the old man had learned in just 7 years.

Peersupport

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 12:24 am

amother Amber wrote:

I see it in people 25 and younger. It's truly mind boggling. They have zero respect for their elders, and feel they have equal footing and say, even if that older person is their parent.

People respect people who respect them. It's the expectation of demanding respect that makes people disrespect them.

כל הרודף אחר הכבוד, הכבוד בורח ממנו

There is nothing about being older that will make someone respect you. It's about how you treat others.

amother

Navyblue

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 8:02 am

Peersupport wrote:

No. We need to treat everyone with respect.

Comptroller

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 8:11 am

amother OP wrote:

I’m a mom to young marrieds and teens. I’m also a HS teacher so I see lots of girls, not just my own. I am so, so tired of the selfishness in today’s generation. The things they say and do would never have happened 20 or 30 years ago.

At what point are these kids going to grow up?

I think your best option is to quit teaching, or go to elementary school/kindergarten, and just leave your own young couples fly with their own wings. Go on a long vacation, change your phone number, name, address...

Comptroller

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 8:14 am

Peersupport wrote:

I agree with the bolded. And I want to add: treat them with respect, plus you have to have something they respect, know something they want to know, so that you inspire respect.

It could well be that as a highschool-teacher people overuse the respect they feel is due to them and do not have enough to give what the students want to receive.

ShishKabob

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 8:16 am

amother OP wrote:

This is not a constructive post, per se.

This is a vent and I’m asking when these kids are going to grow up. I’m hoping someone can tell me that their kids eventually did.

Anyone who’s been teaching for decades sees this decline clearly.

It's true the generations are not moving upwards, we hear that all the time in the case for Moshiach. And it says that the face of the generation is the face of the leaders.
We are a bereft generation and we have to turn to Hashem to help us and really beg for the geulah shleimah.
What we can do is really only look at the good of the children of this generation. Despite all the temptations despite the craziness, look at how many do mitzvos and maasim tovim. Look at how many keep shabbos. Look at how many stick up for their friends and so on.
Lamenting on how bad it is is not conducive for improvement and it doesn't help anyone feel better.

amother

Denim

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 8:17 am

Peersupport wrote:

This is not true of teens or self centered adults. They do not return respect. They take advantage of it.

amother

Wine

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 8:23 am

amother Amber wrote:

I was doing this when I was an older teen too. It was the late eighties and early nineties. People were saying the same things about us. And I know what my grandparents were saying about my parents' generation in the 60's. Is it getting worse? Probably. But it's long been a progression.

Also, I am a big believer in therapy. But I also think Abigail Shrier is not wrong.

amother

Navyblue

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 8:33 am

This is comical. The Baby Boomers were raised by the Greatest Generation and were considered to be the most self centered, spoiled generation yet. Their parents grew up in the Depression, fought in WWII and lived lives of unending sacrifice for their children, who grew up spoiled and coddled, staged riots and protests, viewed themselves as progressive and modern, and couldn't reject their parents' old fashioned ways fast enough or proudly enough.

I'm Gen X, raised by Boomers. Boomers were never going to age, they were smart and young and entitled. (I'm not referring to my parents, but the generation). But yet, they are now the elderly seniors.

So yes, every generation has its unique challenges, but I don't think we are seeing uniquely terrible self-centeredness the likes of which we've never before seen in the previous generations.

amother

Stoneblue

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 8:49 am

amother Denim wrote:

He cheats, he doesn't have permission to use your car. He can pay for his own lessons and use the driving teachers car. I also told my kids they need to pass their permit and get their license without any cheating at all. Zero. Or no chance they can drive my car or my husbands.

Mommyg8

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 8:58 am

listenhere wrote:

I have a theory. Perhaps this generation of parents is the one struggling. We are the ones that grew up without emotional awareness and swore to ourselves that we will do better.

Because of the effort we put into changing our methods, instead of expecting our kids to exhibit all these normal behaviours (that most of us also did ourselves), we are surprised with all the tests and bend ourselves backwards to ‘fix’ it thinking we just didn’t do it well enough.

This causes the teens to test limits differently.

I think it ultimately backfires, but they learn their lessons and the next generation will be making different mistakes.

I agree (as someone from the previous generation) that it is the parents who are struggling. I don't know about the emotional awareness part, but we certainly grew up without all this psychology, and we also grew up in simpler times, materialistically.

We have decided to give our children EVERYTHING without limits, and we are also scared to set behavioral limits.

Teenagers have always been self centered, but they were stuck. There was this grand conspiracy of adults who made them follow rules, even if they REALLY didn't want to, and didn't buy them everything they wanted, even if they really NEEDED it.

Today's parents are bending themselves over backwards to be perfect parents, but maybe, just maybe, that's not so healthy for children?

Bnei Berak 10

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 9:19 am

amother Denim wrote:

Does he even realize the consequences of being caught without a driver's license?
IMHO you need a Rabbi/mentor involved. It's not acceptable to ignore learning material which is compulsory. A car is a deadly vehicle!
Tell your son from me I wouldn't pay a dime towards bail or costs for a lawyer or car repairs if he would get caught without a proper license. Not.A.Dime.

amother

Mint

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 9:24 am

amother Denim wrote:

What do you mean by cheating? Do you mean they study a list of questions given to them? That’s not cheating; that’s freely available online. The DMV only rotates about 100 questions in their tests. (NJ) This how my friends and I did it, we just did practice tests.

justforfun87

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 9:28 am

amother Denim wrote:

Simple answer, he will get pulled over and ticketed or his ability to get a license will be suspended.

cbsp

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 9:30 am

Peersupport wrote:

I can also quote, and this is from the Torah

מִפְּנֵ֤י שֵׂיבָה֙ תָּק֔וּם וְהָדַרְתָּ֖ פְּנֵ֣י זָקֵ֑ן וְיָרֵ֥אתָ מֵּאֱלֹהֶ֖יךָ אֲנִ֥י יְהוָֽה: ס (ויקרא פרק יט פסוק לב)

Nowhere does it say anything there about respect needing to be earned.

Now, will it "make" someone do anything? Not in a society that promotes "you do you" as a way of life with no higher authority... But I thought us frum yidden were all about a Higher Authority and respect for hierarchy...