Tired of self-centered teens and young adults

amother

Banana

Sun, Apr 07 2024, 7:53 pm

amother Papaya wrote:

Yes I think this is the point.

Older generations always complain about youth. This is something else.

Today there is a complete breakdown of family. Kids cut off parents and grandparents even if it can be worked out. They expect to be catered to and supported for many years. They have very high material needs and if its not met they either wont visit because its "hard" or they resent it. They are often very offended by every little thing parents or inlaws say and are often deciding they are being mistreated.

Obviously this is a mass generalization and many young people are wonderful but it is more prevalent these days.

Its actually spoken about in the gemara. In the days of moshiach the generation will have chutzpah and the youth will rise up against their parents and elders and families will break.

If you want to argue that I have a bad attitude and am too old to be around kids you can but im doing great with my kids and im just stating what I see around me. It is what it is. Doesnt mean im giving up. It just means I need to adapt to where the kids today are holding and meet them where they are.

I don't think this is a fair statement. Teens today (at least in the community I was raised in) are expected to get married very young, often pressured into it, expected to start a family right away. The pressure is enormous considering that the wife is often still on an entry level wage, and the husband isn't allowed to work at all for the first little while. It is not that they have high material needs, it is the way the parents raised them and the goals the parents had for them that cause them to be reliant on support (emotional and monetary) for a long time. I think young people today have it a lot harder than their parents did.

Supermom#1

Sun, Apr 07 2024, 8:16 pm

amother Dandelion wrote:

No offense but frum people are terrible parents. They parent the stereotypical ways of rich people. Gd forbid their kids want for anything or feel any discomfort. Everyone MUST have the same as everyone else. Materialism is king.. You're raising a generation of narcissists and then wonder where you went wrong. Just a humble opinion

So well said! I am so passionate about this. While raising my children, I always made sure that they had their necessities, but I allowed extras very sparingly even though we were able to afford it. I also expected them to chip in with some household chores even though I have cleaning help.
In general, I was careful not to foster any type of entitled behavior because I was so disgusted by what I saw around me.
Baruch Hashem a million times, some of my kids are married now and they are fantastic, responsible, respectful, and NOT entitles young adults. May Hashem help me with my other kids because nothing happens without Him.

amother

Papaya

Sun, Apr 07 2024, 8:44 pm

listenhere wrote:

I have a theory. Perhaps this generation of parents is the one struggling. We are the ones that grew up without emotional awareness and swore to ourselves that we will do better.

Because of the effort we put into changing our methods, instead of expecting our kids to exhibit all these normal behaviours (that most of us also did ourselves), we are surprised with all the tests and bend ourselves backwards to ‘fix’ it thinking we just didn’t do it well enough.

This causes the teens to test limits differently.

I think it ultimately backfires, but they learn their lessons and the next generation will be making different mistakes.

I agree this is also part of it.

amother

Papaya

Sun, Apr 07 2024, 8:51 pm

amother Vermilion wrote:

I agree. I guess it’s the part how we’ve never had teens this self-centered bla bla that gets me nervous.
Comes across so self-righteous.

Ur right. It does sound self righteous.

But we are trying to explain that this is different than the normal old people gripe about kids these days.

Its a different issue entirely.

The chutzpah is almost a side point.

The issue is resiliency, coping skills, knowing who they are (today half of gen z cant even figure out if they are male or female and even if its not widespread in the frum world, the confusion trickles in), kids have trouble dating (secular and jewish), they have trouble forming real relationships (social media and online culture), trouble working, extreme materialism to a level thats never been seen before, they are just overall struggling and its manifesting as a very broken generation.

Im adapting my parenting skills on a daily basis to align with their needs while making sure I dont destroy us all in the process and it is exhausting. Im tired. Op is tired. We hope our efforts are enough.

amother

Papaya

Sun, Apr 07 2024, 9:01 pm

amother Banana wrote:

I guess I dont see it that way. I got married at 19 and was a mother at 20. Started in kollel and lived on pennies. We got nothing from anyone and expected nothing. I was earning 13 dollars an hour as a secretary while finishing school and my husband was in kollel. We slept on cots on the floor when visiting relatives and managed.

How many kids these days are living like that?

I honestly dont even blame the kids. Its on parents to set reasonable expectations and standards early in life so they dont wake up married and not knowing how to manage and be an adult.

I dont even think what I did when first getting married was normal. Thats not a great way to start off a marriage. But it was what it was, we managed and got through it and are responsible adults now. If we had been supported the whole time its unlikely we would have learned to be resilient.

amother

Vermilion

Sun, Apr 07 2024, 9:15 pm

amother Denim wrote:

Show me a mom with teens and toddlers and I'll show you an exhausted mom.

I'm not hearing self-righteousness, I'm hearing exhaustion.

So you think OP is saying these teens are the same as all others and OP is just complaining about how difficult it is to work with teens?

Your posts actually sound more curious and compassionate. With understanding of the work did the current teen.

amother

Moonstone

Sun, Apr 07 2024, 9:18 pm

Another teacher here, maybe not as long as you have been in the field...
I teach pre-teens, not teens, and I've definitely seen a difference. I see a difference across the board from the years I've been teaching and I see a difference within my classes.

At least where I live, there is an epidemic of parents who are scared of their kids. They're scared to impose boundaries. They're scared to tell their daughters "no". They're scared that if their kids don't like something that they say that they'll immediately go off the derech or have mental health issues or no friends or all of the above!

My kids are still young, I have no idea how they'll act when they're pre-teens or teens. I daven for them daily that they should have good middos and yiras shamayim and be able to withstand the intense peer pressure that will await them. At this stage, they know that when we make decisions it's with their best interests in mind and we have a rav that we consult. They also know that if they don't understand, they can call him and discuss it with him (and they do! B"H!) I hope they're learning that boundaries are healthy and necessary, and I sincerely believe that kids who have boundaries are less chutzpadik and are able to see a bigger picture. I see it from my students who have parents who impose those boundaries. There's room to listen to your kids and be respectful and all of that, but the permissiveness is creating kids who basically raise themselves and that doesn't work.

For all those who say when you stop seeing the good in your students it's time to stop teaching etc - I LOVE my girls. I daven for every single one past and present and truly believe in their inherent goodness and desire to grow. I have faith in every single one of them that one day they will rise above this. I've been teaching long enough to see girls who thought the world revolved around them get married and have families and realize that there is more to life than all the things they insisted their parents buy/do/allow.

And I daven that mashiach comes quickly!

amother

Whitesmoke

Sun, Apr 07 2024, 9:29 pm

I think this generation of parents has the hardest time parenting than any other generation and for 1 reason.
There is a ton of pressure to parent correctly and a ton of fear of messing up. There is so much info available that parents have no excuse not to parent well. This also leads to parents only trusting the experts and not their own intuition and outsourcing parenting to experts and therapists because a mere parent is not good enough anymore.

Since its human to be imperfect this generation of parents is the most self-critical and criticized generation.

Our grandparents never thought twice about parenting correctly.

This mindset carries into the children and teaches them that the way they are raised and turn out is the most important thing.

giftedmom

Sun, Apr 07 2024, 9:34 pm

amother Whitesmoke wrote:

Oh please
Our grandparents were either holocaust survivors or raised by holocaust survivors.
They had no bucket from which to pour.
It’s not about the info
It’s about our cushy lives and the Holocaust trauma having been watered down sufficiently so that we can focus enough on our parenting. No other generation before us had this luxury.
You don’t think about parenting right when most of your kids are stillborn or die in childhood, or you’re on your third marriage trying to put bread on the table, or running from the Cossacks, or watched your entire family and town wiped out and trying to start fresh in a new country where you barely know the language. Or you grew up knowing you existed to replace the millions of dead children.

amother

Tangerine

Sun, Apr 07 2024, 9:37 pm

giftedmom wrote:

while I agree with your sentiment I just want to say not ALL of our grandparents fall in one of those categories. my grandparents on my mother's side were both American. they were here during the holocaust and yes they were frum Wink

amother

Denim

Sun, Apr 07 2024, 9:46 pm

amother Vermilion wrote:

I don't really know. I'm in my 40s and I was a very self-centered teen.
My older teens are barely a year apart from my younger ones and I see a difference. My older ones would never put their airpods in when they know I'm trying to talk to them and flat out ignore me. My older teens would never take food from the fridge that they know I'm saving for a specific time. But it's up to me to stop the unwanted behavior of the younger ones and teach them proper civilized manners. As if I never did, but teenagehood makes them "forget." At the same time, I can't possibly work to solve all the unwanted behaviors, it would make for a very unpleasant home atmosphere. So I pick my battles. But it is exhausting. Hearing other posters here blame the parents for this is hurtful. I am not responsible for my teens' behavior.
Whoever recognizes a teen who can quickly assess another person's weak points and exploit them, and also purposely degrades and mocks everything you hold dear, and purposely delves into the things you outwardly strongly dislike- tell me again about parenting and limits and standards and rules? I am not responsible for my teens' behavior.
I do not work with teens who aren't mine, but I’m guessing it's personality.

amother

Moonstone

Sun, Apr 07 2024, 9:55 pm

Picking your battles means you sometimes say no. And from what you said, you're clearly educating your kids.

When I blame parents, I'm talking about the ones who let their kids do things that are totally unacceptable because they're afraid of saying no. Maybe that's not you, and maybe that's not all self-centered teenagers. Just many of the ones I work with.

amother

Cerulean

Sun, Apr 07 2024, 10:03 pm

amother Dandelion wrote:

I don’t mean to pry, but, you’re not frum?

amother

Mauve

Sun, Apr 07 2024, 10:10 pm

amother Midnight wrote:

This is such an unfair generalization. I’m
24 and my friends and I are so far from the disrespectful people you are describing.

You go girl!
I have children your age and they’re the most wonderful humans

Way better than I was at that age
As a matter of fact I’m in awe of the younger generation for many reasons and think they’re awesome