When teenager says 'make me'

amother

Blue

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 12:03 am

amother OP wrote:

I have a few teenagers. If I would stop giving them money for basics they'd feel they must quit school and get a cashier job to earn for their necessities. Our unspoken deal is that they are in school and I provide for them. That doesn't mean anything they want but I'm not going to stop paying for their phones or clothing.

Would they really? Or would they realize that there are standards in a home and for it to function properly those standards must be kept?

amother

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 12:04 am

amother Blue wrote:

What do you mean younger child's safety? What's going on exactly?

Nothing major. They like to tease, have fun at a younger child's expense and I tell them off for it. I explained to them that it's not okay, that the younger ones need to feel safe and comfortable at all times. No one likes to be teased and I don't allow them to tease out of their own boredom.

notshanarishona

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 12:05 am

amother OP wrote:

You don’t have to stop, but they can only get it after they do their chores/ take care of their responsibilities. You can use it as an incentive/ consequence

amother

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 12:06 am

amother Strawberry wrote:

I think it's a lot in the delivery. If a child says "makes me" and you say "I can't make you. I want to work this through with you because this decision will affect us both badly" will they be willing to listen?

Recently I am finding with my teen is that staying calm and non controlling, while still not giving up, although terribly difficult in the face of their attitudes is very potent.

Yes DH says this to them. "You're right I can't make you but do you really want this?" This works for some issues not everything.

amother

Blue

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 12:06 am

amother OP wrote:

I think "safety" is a strong word in this case. It sounds like typical sibling stuff. I'm not sure our parents were ever able to control what came out of our mouths.

Is there no privilege that is extra that you can revoke? Are their special snacks in the home that the teens like? Do you allow them to drive?

amother

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 12:09 am

amother Blue wrote:

Would they really? Or would they realize that there are standards in a home and for it to function properly those standards must be kept?

No they would. They can be very impulsive. They don't care about tomorrow, only today.

amother

Charcoal

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 12:10 am

OP, I 100% get you. Our teens sound like twins. And any poster that's saying otherwise must not have a teen like yours.
Right now, DH and I have basically resigned ourselves to the fact that our 16 year old rules the house. We can't make him do anything. And almost every chinuch expert we've spoken with has told us that a hands-off approach is the only way to go. I have no idea if he'll one day transform himself into a responsible and functional adult, at this point I mostly daven that the rest of the household survives the roller coaster

amother

Blue

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 12:11 am

amother OP wrote:

No they would. They can be very impulsive. They don't care about tomorrow, only today.

So they would leave school...?

Sounds like they have a lot of control here. Why not let them live the life they want to lead? Again, there are natural consequences in the world and your kids might have to learn about them.

amother

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 12:12 am

amother Blue wrote:

They don't drive. Nor do they care for special snacks that they can buy with their own money and if I do buy, they'll eat them within the hour.

amother

Blue

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 12:14 am

amother OP wrote:

They don't drive. Nor do they care for special snacks that they can buy with their own money and if I do buy, they'll eat them within the hour.

Where do they get their money from?

amother

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 12:16 am

amother Charcoal wrote:

This scares the living daylights out of me.

amother

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 12:17 am

amother Blue wrote:

Because I'm their parent and until they turn 18 its my responsibility to see to them finishing school at the very least.
I'm not going to give up on them just because they give me attitudes.

amother

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 12:19 am

amother Blue wrote:

Where do they get their money from?

Chanukah gelt
Bday money
Small jobs here and there
Generous friends
And I give them sometimes because I want them to feel that we aren't stingy or miserly and that they can get whatever they need from us.

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 12:20 am

amother Charcoal wrote:

Small comfort I'm sending you, 17 is easier than 16.

amother

Blue

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 12:21 am

amother OP wrote:

Because I'm their parent and until they turn 18 its my responsibility to see to them finishing school at the very least.
I'm not going to give up on them just because they give me attitudes.

Well, based on the information you have shared, it sounds like you would like to do a more hands off approach where behaviors that aren't acceptable are allowed to continue. Maybe that is the best way...? Sounds like there are no consequences you feel comfortable with/will work.

amother

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 12:24 am

notshanarishona wrote:

You don’t have to stop, but they can only get it after they do their chores/ take care of their responsibilities. You can use it as an incentive/ consequence

Phones renew monthly automatically, and I'm not going to refuse them a pair of shoes or clothing if they grew out of their old ones.

amother

Charcoal

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 12:24 am

Quote:

Small comfort I'm sending you, 17 is easier than 16.

I gave you a hug as a thank you, not some negative passive aggressiveness

amother

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 12:27 am

amother Charcoal wrote:

Quote:

Small comfort I'm sending you, 17 is easier than 16.

I gave you a hug as a thank you, not some negative passive aggressiveness

Hugs are great! Thanks!

amother

Charcoal

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 12:29 am

We've also been told and have gotten better at not asking him to do ANYTHING unless it's absolutely necessary. That way we're giving less opportunities for him to say no
Don't ask him to clean his room
Don't ask him to babysit
Don't ask him to clear the table
Don't ask him to bring the groceries in from the car
I stopped waking him up for school in the morning. He has to set his alarm and if he sleeps through it he doesn't go. I think in the beginning he thought it was a good way to get out of going to school, but it's pretty boring to sit home all day

amother

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 12:35 am

amother Charcoal wrote:

Thank you. It's good to hear. It's tough because the younger ones don't understand why they need to clean their room or wake up for school or help out if their older sibling seems to be getting away with it. They want to imitate that.