Compliment? Or rude?

amother

Sand

Wed, Dec 13 2023, 12:08 pm

SunnyDayz wrote:

For the people asking "what's wrong with 'you look great'?" I'm wondering if you say this to people on a regular basis, or something just to people you noticed lost weight, but don't want to comment on their body? I think the issue most people have is that when they were heavier, or potentially at times that they gained weight, no one said "you look great" only when they've noticeably lost weight. So "you look great" is the new "wow you lost weight!" Or "you're so skinny" where people know what you're thinking even if you're not coming out and saying it to be "sensitive".

Yes, I tell people they look great for reasons totally unrelated to weight or size. Not only people slimming down deserve compliments.

amother

Maize

Wed, Dec 13 2023, 1:21 pm

SunnyDayz wrote:

I am not skinny nor slim. A lot heavier than I should be. But yes people tell me all the time that I look great, it has nothing to do with weight. For example if someone gets nicely dressed to go out they can still look great and beautiful regardless of how much they weigh

SunnyDayz

Wed, Dec 13 2023, 1:24 pm

amother Maize wrote:

It was a genuine question. I don't think it's something I hear so often, unless I'm all shtottied up for a wedding, or times that I've lost noticeable amounts of weight.

amother

Carnation

Wed, Dec 13 2023, 1:43 pm

A lot of times when I lost weight ppl knew I was dieting so I didn’t mind the compliments, but once person told me wowwww you loook soooooo good. How Much weight did you lose 30 pounds? I had lost 15, and it made me feel like she thought I was so fat before that I needed 30 pounds to lose. That wasn’t appreciated

amother

Cobalt

Wed, Dec 13 2023, 2:10 pm

When I was highly pregnant my grandma told me - your face looks good with some fullness!

First I found out my face was bloated - didn’t even realize
Secondly I found out she thinks my regular face is too thin.

chanatron1000

Wed, Dec 13 2023, 3:42 pm

lamplighter wrote:

Complimenting people on weightloss is actually promoting fatphobia, body judgement and an idealized size culture.

Throw the tomatoes.

Every compliment is an expression of preference.

amother

Lotus

Wed, Dec 13 2023, 4:52 pm

amother Aster wrote:

Maybe we all take this thread as a lesson not to think so deeply in to peoples compliments. Nobody means to trigger you or insult you, they're just trying to be nice.

I hate this comment 'you look so good for just having had a baby!' my friend once said that to another friend and I felt bad for her. It's really not nice.

amother

Sand

Wed, Dec 13 2023, 5:00 pm

amother Cobalt wrote:

I'm sure that's not what she meant at all. Fullness isn't the same as bloated. I think she just meant that pregnancy suits you. I'm sure she thought you looked beautiful before as well.

Complimenting someone's appearance doesn't mean they look terrible every other time.

imaima

Wed, Dec 13 2023, 5:07 pm

amother OP wrote:

Hi, since being around a lot of family that I haven't seen in a while there are people I keep seeing who look like they obviously lost weight. I never know if it's rude to mention how great they look, because to me that's pointing out that the last time I saw them they didn't look great, and it's just advertising the fact that they weighed a lot last time and less now.
Can anyone help me out here with making sure I say the right thing? Or say nothing at all?
Thanks

Just say „you look good“
Don’t say „you look better“ or „you look good NOW“

Tao

Wed, Dec 13 2023, 5:13 pm

lamplighter wrote:

Complimenting people on weightloss is actually promoting fatphobia, body judgement and an idealized size culture.

Throw the tomatoes.

Women have been wanting to be thin since ancient times. Thinness has always been considered nicer than heaviness, and no matter how woke the world goes, that is not going to change. (Yeah yeah, I know that people who were heavy used to mean they had what to eat etc.....I'm not talking about being emaciated from hunger. Healthy looking thinness.)
I don't say that to be insulting. I'm big myself as I've mentioned more than once here. The "thinner is better" has been around for centuries and it isn't going anywhere.

Busybee5

Wed, Dec 13 2023, 5:18 pm

amother Cobalt wrote:

Lol, Grandma's have no filters!!

zaq

Wed, Dec 13 2023, 5:20 pm

Just say "You look mahvelous, dahling." If they're stupid or cynical enough to assume you're implying that they didn't look mahvelous last time you saw them, that's their problem. Most people don't analyze compliments looking for hidden insults.

amother

Sage

Wed, Dec 13 2023, 5:22 pm

amother Carnation wrote:

Funny, I have the opposite reaction. When someone told me "You must have lost 4-5 lbs. by now, I retorted "It was seventeen!" I went through hell for every ounce and I darned well want the credit for it.

amother

Tuberose

Wed, Dec 13 2023, 5:35 pm

This is really a case of you hurt someone if you do and you hurt someone if you don’t. Which is why people have to realize that others mean well and try not to take it to heart, although it’s hard. As someone who lost a lot of weight recently (over 100lbs) I would not want you to ignore it and definitely don’t compliment about something else cuz that’s so obvious. You can definitely ask if I’d like to speak about my weight loss etc. and I can choose to share if I’d like.

chanatron1000

Wed, Dec 13 2023, 5:42 pm

Tao wrote:

This is not true, though. Plenty of people find bigger people attractive, and that's always been the case. It wasn't just a status symbol.

amother

Wed, Dec 13 2023, 5:50 pm

I'll pop back in here, everything here has been super helpful, the reason I asked was because I've gotten comments both ways once that I look "so huge" at 15 weeks pregnant... and at a very healthy weight, and "omg your sooooo skinny - at 15 weeks pregnant" when I definitely wasn't (different pregnancy)
I've gotten it from all different angles and I just really want to say the right thing because I didn't mind the comments because I was pregnant. The kind of expected it I guess.

SunnyDayz

Wed, Dec 13 2023, 6:07 pm

amother Tuberose wrote:

By my own personal experience, and that of various friends and family members, I know more people who have been hurt by others commenting on their weight/body than people who were hurt by others not commenting. I think it's best and most socially appropriate to err on the side of not saying anything.
We don't even need to compliment someone immediately upon seeing them, you can simply say "it's so lovely to see you!" and hopefully it's the truth.

Tao

Wed, Dec 13 2023, 6:12 pm

chanatron1000 wrote:

This is not true, though. Plenty of people find bigger people attractive, and that's always been the case. It wasn't just a status symbol.

Yeah, but not most people. The ideal will always be healthy thinness. I don't believe that will ever change. (Personally that does not bother me. I need to lose weight for health reasons but tbh if not for the pressure of wanting to look thin I'd probably eat way more terribly than I already do. Dieting is really hard for me, I don't love healthy foods. Yeah I know I'm vain for caring more about my appearance than my health....but if it leads to the same result then that's what counts!)

amother

Sand

Wed, Dec 13 2023, 6:21 pm

Tao wrote:

That is not really not historically accurate.