Is there a way to prevent this?

amother

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 5:28 pm

I host sleepover guests probably once every 6 weeks and my family and I really enjoy the company and the mitzva.
What I don't enjoy is people treating my home and invitation as an all inclusive resort.
I kah have my own children, I work, and have minimal cleaning help. There are guests who come and don't help at all, even when I ask for help! Guests who sleep in late, nap half the afternoon and just come out for meals.
Many guests don't supervise their children, not in the morning, not in the afternoon.
I enjoy the company but the entitlement gets to me. I don't want to burn out or get resentful so I'm wondering if there is a way to prevent this.

amother

Coral

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 5:32 pm

amother OP wrote:

Don’t invite guests who do that.
I stopped inviting a family who never cleaned up after themselves. Just because you’re the guest doesn’t mean you can leave the high chair dirty after your baby ate in it

amother

Taupe

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 5:33 pm

Unless you’re inviting someone you’re super close to like a sister or best friend, and you discuss with them in advance that you’ll need help with the weekend, it’s not appropriate to expect any sort of help from your guests. Now that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be nice of them to give it- they should offer help with serving etc, but it’s not something you should expect. However, what you can expect is for them to watch their own children and clean up after themselves to a reasonable degree (I.e. if they or their kids spill a drink on the floor they should wipe it up). If someone doesn’t do that, don’t invite them back. It’s that simple.

amother

Butterscotch

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 5:44 pm

amother Taupe wrote:

Exactly this.

amother

Azure

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 5:51 pm

Unfortunately there isn't a way to prevent entitled childish behavior. Some people just lack sensitivity and tact. It's just up to you to have guests who appreciate you and your invite. Anyone who views your home as a hotel is free to go to a real hotel in the future.

amother

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 5:54 pm

These aren't strangers many are family.
I think it's basic decency to help set or clear a table or cut up some vegetables or pick up the toys your kids played with. I don't mean I expect them to make the salads or mop floors.
Do you just tell family they can't come? Is this something I can only set a boundary with after they come and do this?
Is it different if the guests are your kids/kids in law?

amother

Azure

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 5:57 pm

amother OP wrote:

If it's your kids it's definitely simpler to ask for help and easier to tell them that you would appreciate them looking after their kids.

Chayalle

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 6:02 pm

amother OP wrote:

Honestly I don't expect help with setting, clearing, or cutting vegetables from guests.
Most guests do offer to help with setting or clearing. Cutting vegetables is meal prep and on me as the hostess.

Taking care of your own kids and cleaning up their toys/games/messes I would expect of a guest. It's basic mentchlichkeit.

If I have certain needs of guests I would definitely spell it out. I'd love to have you, but I'm tired and I like to rest on Shabbos morning, so I will need you to get up when your kids do, and serve them breakfast and watch them. Also please clean up any toys they take out of the game closet....

BEH when my kids come with their kids - not at that stage - I would hope to be able to give my kids a rest when they need it. Often young couples come to their parents with kids who kept them up half the night, both before they came and after. I would hope to be supportive of their needs. BH my kids are not takers, and aren't the type to press this to their advantage.

amother

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 6:24 pm

I'm not sleeping in on shabbos, I'm up with my kids and I have kids up in the night as well.
I have never sat in the couch while my host prepared for the meal nor sat while the table was being cleared. I always offer to help.
The attitude of this is a free vacation while someone else has double work because of me bothers me. I invite them to share shabbos with us not to run a full service Shabbaton.

amother

Taupe

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 8:00 pm

amother OP wrote:

So is the consensus that I cannot prevent these kinds of visits? Is there anything I can do or a boundary I can set in place to prevent this?

I’m not sure where you saw that concensus. Are these guests your children? We will be able to advise you better if we know the relation.

Ema of 5

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 8:07 pm

amother OP wrote:

So is the consensus that I cannot prevent these kinds of visits? Is there anything I can do or a boundary I can set in place to prevent this?

I don’t see that at all. If the guests are your children, then you be clear that you need them to watch their kids. If it is other family members, you can have the same discussion, but you can probably be slightly less firm. Your other option is to not invite them back and say no when they ask if they can come.

amother

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 9:00 pm

One is a son and DIL, others is a SIL and BIL recently.
I have definitely had this over the years as well.
I enjoy the company of guests, I do not enjoy being treated like an all inclusive resort.
Staying in your room all shabbos while you expect others to care for your family or not lifting a finger or supervising your kids is not the kind of guests I want. These kinds of guests make me resentful. Hosting to me means providing space and meals for the purpose of spending time together. It's not a vacation.

amother

Oatmeal

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 10:08 pm

It gets sticky when hosting in law children. Best to be honest to your son about your expectations. Your DIL likely has her hands full and (mistakenly) believes that you are happy to give her a vacation when you invite her for Shabbos.

amother

DarkKhaki

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 10:14 pm

If it’s a child, that’s different. I would speak to my child, never the in law. If it’s a BIL or SIL, I would stay in my room until the meal, then show up to serve etc. If that doesn’t work, don’t have them stay, just invite them for a meal. And if they ask, tell them you’re tired and can’t do it. Setting boundaries will lessen your resentment.

Chayalle

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 10:43 pm

amother OP wrote:

I don't either sit on the couch while my host prepares the meal, but I have been in the position of taking care of my kids during that time, especially when they were young.
But when I invite company for Shabbos, I do expect to host them. I don't expect them to share Shabbos with us, as in share the meal prep. But hosting does not include childcare. I'm not a babysitter or a one-woman hotel service either.
If I wasn't up to hosting I wouldn't invite. But when I do invite, I do expect to be the host.