DH drowned, BDE, edited to: a widow’s musings…

amother

Pewter

Sun, Sep 17 2023, 11:10 pm

amother Peachpuff wrote:

I don’t know if it’s appropriate to say it but I thought of you a lot this RH and davened for your family. Was thinking of the pain that’s still so fresh for you and with Yom tov coming so fast it couldn’t have been easy! Wishing you a year of strength and healing and may Hashem comfort your family!

Probably a lot less appropriate to say, but by Mi bamayim I cried just thinking about you. It made it so much more real.

amother

Coral

Mon, Sep 18 2023, 12:21 am

OP I thought about you a lot and davened for Nechama for you and your family and for the Aliyah of the neshama of your special husband.

At the levaya, Rabbi Weiss mentioned that in the past couple of years the two of your really turbo boosted your marriage. This gave me a lot of chizzuk. I don't know if this is appropriate to ask at all (please be mochel if not) but if there is anything you can share in that regard, any resources on how to make a good marriage great that you had discovered and are comfortable sharing at any point in the future I am sure it would be helpful to many.

amother

Tue, Sep 19 2023, 12:55 am

Thank you so so much.

RH was a little off, we’d always been home, why were we at my BIL?

But the absolute strangest thing that has happened since the accident is when I got home at 1am after RH, after driving for 3 hours and having been away three days.

I brought in DC10. And all the packages. Alone!!!!

I’m very independent and have traveled a lot without DH. But I’ve never come home from a Yom Tov with our child, late at night (and we live in Baltimore, most of our family lives in NY/NJ so every few weeks we come home late at night!) and DH didn’t bring in DC and all the heavy stuff!

Where was he?

He always brings in DC first and after settling DC to bed, brings in the luggage and endless bags. I usually run inside with a small bags to the bathroom, a few minutes later I usually go out to help him, but sometimes he’s already done by then.

I think I’m about 75% in denial, but this scenario made reality hit me hard.

119

amother

Milk

Tue, Sep 19 2023, 1:00 am

OP, as someone who lost her father... it's going to be a very hard year Sad

are u in contact with Zisel's Links?
They have services like Legally Links, pro bono lawyers to help the remaining spouse with Social Security, trusts, etc and stuff like that.

And when You and your kids are ready for it, they have wonderful programs for girls and boys.

And Baltimore has its own Blinks chapter.

amother

Bone

Tue, Sep 19 2023, 1:04 am

I wish I could come hug you and take some of the load for you.

I'm sure DH was watching and wishing he could carry the bags for you like always. If you're feeling more strong than you think you are, maybe that's his neshama trying to help in some way.

Denial is a blessing because it helps cushion the blow. But at the time when it runs out, know that we are all here with you. That it's okay to cry, we're all crying too.

Davening for Hashem to bring you a nechama, but the ultimate nechama of Techias Hameisim.

amother

Tue, Sep 19 2023, 10:12 pm

amother Coral wrote:

I actually answered this anonymously a couple of weeks ago, (a lifetime ago) there was a thread asking this exact question.

Y’know I’m not so comfortable when people are now making him out to be totally perfect. HaShem doesn’t need or want us to be perfect, or close to it — just better than yesterday, and we both worked on that. And we can all learn from that.

I think we both learned what we need to do to be calm in tense moments, and worked on that. For me, it means being ready early, because if I’m in a rush, I’m far more likely to lose my temper, so it’s a mitzvah for me to wake up 20 minutes b4 I really need to get the kids out… in case someone spills milk, etc, I’m not in a rush.

I can generally make good decisions and exhibit good Middos if I’m calm. If I’m running late, I feel tense, and am far more likely to make wrong decisions and/or get upset at someone.

I guess the therapists would say we learned our triggers. For me, feeling rushed puts me in a state of tension, which often leads to me hurting someone’s feelings. So a lot of my work/ Avodas HaShem in life is as simple as leaving a couple of minutes early to my appointments, being ready a couple of minutes before the kids are due to arrive home from school, etc, doing whatever I can proactively do that I won’t feel frantic or rushed. Simple stuff, but it took me years to understand.

(In the old days, I would’ve felt like I’m wasting a bunch of sets of ten minute precious minutes by being ready a little early!)

amother

Opal

Tue, Sep 19 2023, 10:20 pm

amother OP wrote:

Wow! I can totally relate to that. I am generally very nice when not in a rush. But I am not amazing at time management, and so lose myself during those tense moments like erev shabbos or before a flight.
Thank you for sharing that!

amother

Oleander

Tue, Sep 19 2023, 11:17 pm

OP, I just want to say one thing.
As someone who watched a very close relative become a widow at a young age, WOW OP! You sound so strong, so heroic and so amazing. I’m so serious, your children are lucky to have you now, in this incredibly hard time in their lives.
You should always be this amazing! Kudos to you for going, I’m sure out of your comfort zone, and going to your bil for yomtov instead of saying that you can do this at home alone

amother

Wed, Sep 27 2023, 1:31 am

Thank you so so much for your heartfelt words.

You ask what you can do.

B”H my husband a”h has many friends taking care of whatever needs to be done.

If I may ask, if you still have energy in this busy season to do something…

My friend created the graphics, another friend’s husband uploaded it for me, since my brain has turned to mush…

https://chayabraun.com/brachos/

Print these Asher Yatzer to hang outside all of your bathrooms.

Want to do more? Print them for your family and friends?

Want to do even more? Suggest how I can improve the page, get the page more publicity, as a Zchus for my husband taken so suddenly in the prime of his life.
ר׳ מנחם מענדל ז״ל בן ר׳ אברהם מרדכי נ״י

I just filled out a Yeshiva application for my son. Parents marital status: married, divorced, widowed, widower.

OUCH!!!!!!!!!

A student of his from almost 20 years ago just texted me Erev YK, he’d googled and found my business number: “Hi, I haven’t spoken to the rabbi in ages, what’s his phone number”

He’s had this cell number for at least 12 years. I had to reply and tell him that he was nearly 4 weeks too late, but DH would’ve loved to have heard from him! And then I got a slew of texts from that old chevra who hadn’t heard.

OUCH!!!!!!

My boys just bought Arba Minim tonight. They discussed Tatty’s way of keeping the Aravos fresh. They lay their lulavim across the dining room table, tied the knots to hold the Hadasim and Aravos, as they do every year, I’m usually in the background in the kitchen while they do this; why was I the only parent with them as they compared esrogim?????????

boysrus

Wed, Sep 27 2023, 1:38 am

amother OP wrote:

Thank you so so much for your heartfelt words.

You ask what you can do.

B”H my husband a”h has many friends taking care of whatever needs to be done.

If I may ask, if you still have energy in this busy season to do something…

My friend created the graphics, another friend’s husband uploaded it for me, since my brain has turned to mush…

https://chayabraun.com/brachos/

Print these Asher Yatzer to hang outside all of your bathrooms.

Want to do more? Print them for your family and friends?

Want to do even more? Suggest how I can improve the page, get the page more publicity, as a Zchus for my husband taken so suddenly in the prime of his life.

I just filled out a Yeshiva application for my son. Parents marital status: married, divorced, widowed, widower.

OUCH!!!!!!!!!

A student of his from almost 20 years ago just texted me Erev YK, he’d googled and found my business number: “Hi, I haven’t spoken to the rabbi in ages, what’s his phone number”

He’s had this cell number for at least 12 years. I had to reply and tell him that he was nearly 4 weeks too late, but DH would’ve loved to have heard from him! And then I got a slew of texts from that old chevra who hadn’t heard.

OUCH!!!!!!

My boys just bought Arba Minim tonight. They discussed Tatty’s way of keeping the Aravos fresh. They lay their lulavim across the dining room table, tied the knots to hold the Hadasim and Aravos, as they do every year, I’m usually in the background in the kitchen while they do this; why was I the only parent with them as they compared esrogim?????????

ouch. I think I can safely say that I am sure I'm not the only one who is crying while reading this post. Hashem should continue to give you strength that you never knew you had to parent your children without your husbands' a'h physical presence. sending you so much love...

amother

Amaranthus

Wed, Sep 27 2023, 1:43 am

amother OP wrote:

Can you link the thread? Need a boost Sad