Do you go to your childs bris?

amother

Aqua

Mon, Jul 10 2023, 6:51 pm

amother Cornsilk wrote:

I don’t get this. You know someone who has ‘emotional fallout’ from going to her sons Bris?

Don't dismiss it so quickly. For a woman suffering from pp anxiety it can definitely be emotionally disastrous. I unfortunately speak from experience. It took me weeks if not months to crawl out of the anxiety it caused me. If you think that I'm exaggerating I guess you should consider yourself lucky. It's more common than you'd think.

amother

Mintgreen

Mon, Jul 10 2023, 6:58 pm

amother Aqua wrote:

So this is exactly why many say don’t go they say the women is to weak to handle it! I believe someone who gets traumatized from a Bris should not have gone

amother

Aqua

Mon, Jul 10 2023, 7:15 pm

watergirl wrote:

I think there is an aspect of self-fulfilling prophecy at play here. You are told women can not handle the bris, you are told it's too hard emotionally and physically, everyone around you echoes the same sentiment... guess what? The one outlier who attends her son's bris is likely to experience exactly what she is told she will. And note I said "is likely", not "will". Because as we see here, there are those outliers who DO attend and are fine and glad they went against the norm where they live. But this is no different than the rest of the narrative different communities hold surrounding childbirth.

The women who are told need to get right up from childbirth in the "rice paddies" and get right back to work - most do and are ok. (some do and are not ok).

The women who are told they are fragile and need to rest in their "red tent" and are coddled - they are also mostly ok (and some are not).

And of course this community expectation thing is beyond chassidim, beyond frum Jews in general - we tend to meet expectations if it's the narrative we've been told our whole lives. Childbirth and other.

I am not speaking in absolutes and in rules - I'm making a generality and noting there are always exceptions and it's impossible to speak for a whole community.

I strongly disagree. There is a very strong basis for women being physically and emotionally fragile after birth. The hormonal aspect is also very real, as are ppd and pp anxiety. It's pure biology. We all like to move on from pregnancy and childbirth as quickly as we can as if nothing happened, but the truth is that it takes time to heal. It's not just mind over matter.

amother

Aqua

Mon, Jul 10 2023, 7:24 pm

amother Mintgreen wrote:

So this is exactly why many say don’t go they say the women is to weak to handle it! I believe someone who gets traumatized from a Bris should not have gone

Exactly! I had no choice because it was not close to home. I believe women who want to go should go and those who can't shouldnt. I said that it was emotionally distressing for me and felt like one of the responses was insensitive.

YounginBP

Mon, Jul 10 2023, 8:42 pm

zaq wrote:

Why does no one imagine that the mother is crying out of sentiment, the way she'll cry at his first day of school, bar mitzvah, graduation, wedding, and the bris of HIS first son?

Yes. It's a beautiful time for prayers. Literally. The men in tallisim.
Eliyahu hanavi. A sandek. It's a really heilig atomsphere.
I don't know why everyone keeps saying pangs of regret.

I can cry at a cousins bris too.

amother

DarkYellow

Mon, Jul 10 2023, 8:52 pm

amother Marigold wrote:

It is your husband’s mitzva

Sarcastic question ?do you want to be by your sons first mitzva after his chuppah?

I reported this post. Your nastiness and crudeness were uncalled-for. The obligation is the husband's, not the baby's, true, but the bris is the ceremony that officially welcomes the child into the Jewish people. A mother should be proud to be present. Furthermore, it's the first mitzvah in which the baby is a PARTICIPANT. Why shouldn't a mother want to be there? Do you feel a mother shouldn't be present at her baby's pidyon, either?

amother

Mintgreen

Mon, Jul 10 2023, 8:59 pm

zaq wrote:

And, hey, correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't the kid get his official name at the bris? Shouldn't a mother be the first to know, not the last? (There are stories galore about kids whose fathers were so dazed or nervous or excited that they gave the mohel the wrong name.)

First of all I never heard the name being given I always need to ask what’s the name. The grandmother or sibling can always call the mom. Look I don’t feel all moms belong going and yes I go so people that choose not to go because of minhag or because they don’t want to should be respected about their decision . No one should convince them as to why to go

ImmaBubby

Mon, Jul 10 2023, 9:53 pm

I feel like there are several issues here and how a mother is feeling physically and emotionally could impact the decision.
My guess is that the origin of women not going is possibly going through labor and delivery and not having luxuries like kimpaturin heim or even meal trains. Or hospitals for that matter. So the physical toll is real, and then the thought of the “surgical procedure” on the newborn is really taxing. Then comes the naming which could in and of itself be emotionally charged.
The whole thing doesn’t take long but it can sure take a lot out of a mother!

amother

Mint

Mon, Jul 10 2023, 9:59 pm

Everyone should do what works for them and let’s respect what other people do. This “how can I abandon my baby in his moment of pain” (he has no clue whether you are across the mechitza, in a room outside or 5 minutes away by car) or “how can you miss out on such an important Mitzva” blah blah comments have no place and are judgmental. If a woman wants to go she should be allowed to. If she doesn’t want to whether because it’s her minhag or she doesn’t feel up to it physically or emotionally then that’s ok too and don’t make her feel bad about it. Sometimes we women are our own worst enemies.

keym

Mon, Jul 10 2023, 10:02 pm

My grandmother didn't go to her kids brissim because she wasn't released from the hospital yet. Mothers were in the hospital for 2 weeks. The father would take the baby and return him.

My great-grandmother gave birth in her house. But she wasn't allowed out of bed. She and her mother, sisters, etc would stay in her room and the bris would take place in the other room and they'd bring the baby to his mother straight after.

My mother went to her son's brissim. And the whole time, the grandmothers and great-aunts were busy clucking how in their days they never went to the bris they were in PJs in the hospital or their own bed.

amother

Chocolate

Mon, Jul 10 2023, 10:03 pm

amother Mint wrote:

This this this

HonesttoGod

Mon, Jul 10 2023, 11:15 pm

In my family (a mix of chasidsh and totally not chasidish at all), the women go out of the room during the bris.
We’re with the baby there but for the actual bris part we go out.

It has been passed down that way because a mother who hears her baby screaming may stop the mohel from completing the mitzvah.

Personally, I stepped out the room for all of them I did not want to hear them crying. I had a family member text me when it was over and was back inside in time to take him from the kvatter.
As an aunt, I’ve wanted to stop the mohel because it’s so hard to hear the baby cry but if I’m in the room I use this moment for tefillah. Often I have been outside with my sister or sil to be with them for those few minutes.

amother

Ivory

Tue, Jul 11 2023, 1:03 pm

I find my baby cries just as loudly and sadly when I'm not as quick to pick him up as he'd like, or when I take him out of his warm bath into the cooler air, or when I'm getting him dressed and he's not happy I'm moving his arms through the sleeves. Do you all really find there's something especially painful about the couple moments of the baby's cries during the bris? To me a lot of it would appear to just be the context of it in your mind, not the actual pitch and tone of the baby's cries. Or maybe I'm just more practical than a lot of you- I know my baby is fine and will be calm in a minute...

keym

Tue, Jul 11 2023, 1:45 pm

amother Ivory wrote:

Yes.
I went to all my boys brissim.
My babies were all colicky. They cried when they were unswaddled.
When the mohel opened their diaper, put on alcohol, etc they cried. But I was always able to tell when the mila happened. There was a different pitch. A shrill hysteria of pain for a minute and then settled back into regular crying.
It was a similar cry by vaccines, heel pricks.
It was pain.
It was over very quickly. And it's a Mitzva and I'm going to do it.
But I 100% disagree that there's no pain, or that it's just the opening of the diaper.
My kids all cried differently during the actual mila