Do you go to your childs bris?

zaq

Mon, Jul 10 2023, 7:14 am

Not chassidish. I thought you meant you own grandchild's (I.e. your child, not you, is the baal hasimcha) bris, because I can't imagine not attending my own son's bris unless G-d forbid I had been still hospitalized--in which case I would have lobbied like mad to have the bris in my hospital room, barring medical concerns like a rampant infection. A mother may attend her son's bris even when she's in aveilus. See https://dinonline.org/2016/12/.....ilus/

No, I didn't bring binoculars and watch the actual surgery, but I don't do that at anyone's bris. I didn't watch the needle go in when my kids got their immunizations, either.

Last edited by zaq on Mon, Jul 10 2023, 7:18 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Aqua

Mon, Jul 10 2023, 7:16 am

Chassidish. I only went to the bris or my 3rd son because the shul wasn't close to my house and I wanted to be able to nurse and comfort him asap. I did wait outside though. It was very distressing to hear my baby cry (heard him till the street). I would never say this is healthy for a postpartum mom, given her fragile emotional state. My sisters and sisters in law would have taken excellent of him if the shul was close by and I wasn't there. I know mom is best, but the emotional fallout can be awful for some.

amother

Cornsilk

Mon, Jul 10 2023, 7:28 am

amother Aqua wrote:

I don’t get this. You know someone who has ‘emotional fallout’ from going to her sons Bris?

amother

Mint

Mon, Jul 10 2023, 7:40 am

To clarify, there are those that hold they the tears of the mother can actually cancel out the tefillos of others and actually take away from the Mitzva. This is what some chassidim hold. It’s not that the mothers are so fragile so no need to bash. FTR I’m chassidim and I do go so that I can nurse my baby right after but I am usually kicked out of the room and sent to wait outside during the Bris itself. My father said that my tefillos can work just as well outside and I don’t need to heat my baby crying for that. I think this is fair and I didn’t argue the point even though I did feel up to attending fully.

amother

Lavender

Mon, Jul 10 2023, 8:06 am

My mother took my son and brought him back the second the bris was over.
The reason we don't go:
-The mother should not feel any tiny bit of regret and then the mitzva won't be beshleimus.
-To prevent Ayin Hora for the mother (ppl will comment that she looks amazing ...)

amother

Dustypink

Mon, Jul 10 2023, 8:13 am

My mother in law yelled at me at my son's bris that I was there. I wasn't up to arguing so I just stared at her, shrugged, and walked away. No money in the world would keep me away. My baby needs me, especially when he's in pain. No one can take the place of a mother. You bet I'm there.

amother

Lemonlime

Mon, Jul 10 2023, 8:13 am

amother Lavender wrote:

These are kind of weak reasons for me to not be with my baby when he needs me.

watergirl

Mon, Jul 10 2023, 8:19 am

amother Cornsilk wrote:

I don’t get this. You know someone who has ‘emotional fallout’ from going to her sons Bris?

I think there is an aspect of self-fulfilling prophecy at play here. You are told women can not handle the bris, you are told it's too hard emotionally and physically, everyone around you echoes the same sentiment... guess what? The one outlier who attends her son's bris is likely to experience exactly what she is told she will. And note I said "is likely", not "will". Because as we see here, there are those outliers who DO attend and are fine and glad they went against the norm where they live. But this is no different than the rest of the narrative different communities hold surrounding childbirth.

The women who are told need to get right up from childbirth in the "rice paddies" and get right back to work - most do and are ok. (some do and are not ok).

The women who are told they are fragile and need to rest in their "red tent" and are coddled - they are also mostly ok (and some are not).

And of course this community expectation thing is beyond chassidim, beyond frum Jews in general - we tend to meet expectations if it's the narrative we've been told our whole lives. Childbirth and other.

I am not speaking in absolutes and in rules - I'm making a generality and noting there are always exceptions and it's impossible to speak for a whole community.

amother

Cornsilk

Mon, Jul 10 2023, 8:24 am

amother Lavender wrote:

The last reason seems strange to me. I mean, why let a woman leave the house ever lest anyone say how amazing she looks

amother

Molasses

Mon, Jul 10 2023, 8:25 am

I’m chasidish. By my second son I was sitting around feeling restless so I walked myself over to the shul down the block and arrived just as they were starting the bris. Bh we used a top mohel and the baby hardly cried. It was an amazing emotional experience since exactly a year earlier I was at a bris in the same shul davening for a baby. I had a good breakfast seuda and enjoyed my simcha.

amother

Molasses

Mon, Jul 10 2023, 8:28 am

amother Lavender wrote:

I arrived after the baby was taken in so I didn’t feel that not wanting to send the baby feeling.

I came in my tee shirt and long skirt. I didn’t look amazing.

amother

Lightpink

Mon, Jul 10 2023, 8:28 am

I'm expecting now my first - a boy. I'm chassidish and our minhag is not to go but no way I'm not going.

First I want to be there to comfort him.

Second my family will be there, and I - the mother of the baby- will be left out? It feels weird that my mother and MIL will take care while I'm not there.

Iymnok

Mon, Jul 10 2023, 8:32 am

A minhag exists for a woman to not leave her home for the first 30 days after birth. DH says it’s not applicable when the birth is not at home. The first place she should go is to Shul to bentch Gomel.
Since the bris is within 30 days, the mother is still at home.

amother

Chocolate

Mon, Jul 10 2023, 8:33 am

amother Lightpink wrote:

You can go out of the room for the few minutes it's taking place and take the time to pour your heart out for your child with no distractions. My baby's bris was in my parent's house - where I was at the time, and this is what I did. It was so meaningful!! And this way they brought him to me right when it was over, and I still was able to keep the minhag.

AFAIK there is nothing against being by the bris seuda (unless the mother is makpid not to leave the house) just by the actual bris.

And people -- why do we need to continue the minhag bashing???

amother

Cornsilk

Mon, Jul 10 2023, 8:35 am

Iymnok wrote:

Do women typically wait for day 30 to bentch Gomel? (Who takes the baby to his pediatrician appt?)

(I benched Gomel at shul on the first shabbos after all my children were born)

amother

Chocolate

Mon, Jul 10 2023, 8:36 am

amother Magenta wrote:

Yes I went. No way I would miss it. The not going is sort of old wives tale that became mesorah.

This is what I mean. Why??? Are you so sure it's an old wives tale? Are you sure beyond a shadow of doubt that there is no source for this? Even in this thread, someone brought a source from kabalah. Why so quick to be sure it's an old wives tale?

amother

Lightpink

Mon, Jul 10 2023, 8:56 am

amother Chocolate wrote:

IDK I want it be there, it's my simcha.

My belief is that minhagim are nice, but if it makes you resentful, then you rather shouldn't do it.

amother

Buttercup

Mon, Jul 10 2023, 9:18 am

Chassidish. Not our minhag for the mother to be there. I’m the only one of my sisters in law who insisted on being present in the building (but not at the bris) so I could nurse immediately. I was also able to enjoy my guests after- but honestly it was exhausting. I wouldn’t do it again I don’t think. I’ve stopped going to my baby’s kiddushes too. But I get to keep the baby home with me.