I'm so mean at night

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Twins, Triplets, and more

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amother

Wed, May 10 2023, 1:59 pm

I can't stop saying mean things to my dh in the middle of the night when he is trying to be helpful with the twins. Im a really nice person during the day, but in my sleep deprived, half sleeping state everything he does in the middle of the night is wrong in my eyes. Most of the time I get up for the babies. I've been sick this past week and he doesn't move fast enough before the crying baby wakes the other baby and then instead of helping me by letting me rest, I still have to care for a baby. And then I start berating. I'm so tired. I'm awful in the middle of the night. Last night one of the babies was not feeling well and I told my dh if he could please give the baby Motrin (he was running fever during the day so I knew he wasn't feeling well . I even prepared the dropper). Dh held the baby . An hour later the same baby was up again and I asked him what time did he give Motrin. Turns out, he didn't! I was so angry and said a whole bunch of not nice things that I wouldn't have to have gotten up if he would have listened to me. No wonder the baby woke up again. He doesn't listen how to take care, and it ends up being on me anyway who needs this type of help?! Then in the morning I look at both of us and see two majorly sleep deprived adults and really I should be thankful for dh.

amother

Mayflower

Wed, May 10 2023, 2:01 pm

Cut him some slack, he's also sleep deprived.
Maybe you can hire help.

1ofbillions

Wed, May 10 2023, 2:01 pm

So, so normal! Even with one baby this can happen, let alone two. Do your absolute best to be nice but also have a discussion with dh about sleep deprivation and its effects on both of you. You should both agree to not take things said in the middle of the night personally. It is very hard to think clearly when you’re sleep deprived and are being woken up again and again. It will fill any person with rage.

amother

Begonia

Wed, May 10 2023, 2:06 pm

To make you feel better...my husband took my daughter for a drive at 3 am cuz I was so sleep deprived and she wouldn't stop screaming and he came back with a speeding ticket! The words I said that night... Can't Believe It

I was terrible even just with one baby!

zaq

Wed, May 10 2023, 2:11 pm

Cut yourself some slack, too. You're the new mom, dealing not only with the same sleep deprivation as your dh but also recovering from the physical strain of pregnancy and childbirth. Apologize to dh and finished.

amother

Strawberry

Wed, May 10 2023, 3:06 pm

Not that it's helpful, but I would be mad too.

amother

Outerspace

Wed, May 10 2023, 3:12 pm

I used to say such mean things at night and regret it in the morning. I now do not allow myself to say anything mean at night and I tell myself if I'm still mad in the morning I can say it then. 99% of the time I'm glad I didn't say it at night.

TwinsMommy

Wed, May 10 2023, 9:04 pm

can you two take shifts so you each get at least 4 hours of continuous sleep? he does the twins from 10 pm to 2 am and you do them from 2 to 6 am or vice versa? and when you're ON you still get to sleep between feedings but if there is extra fussiness from a baby you're the one to do the extra cuddling. OR one night he's in charge all night and one night you're in charge all night so there is every other night that you know YOU get to sleep? Extra things he wouldn't think about other than diapers and feedings and burpings, you can have written out in all caps...... Rochel gets this much motrin at 11:30 if she's up then..... etc. Put the notes RIGHT at the diapers/wipes so he can't miss the memo. Also little notes like THANK YOU FOR YOUR HELP with the twins--- I love you! go a long way.

JUST BECAUSE TWO BABIES ARE AWAKE DOES NOT MEAN TWO ADULTS HAVE TO BE! BOTH ADULTS ARE CAPABLE OF FEEDING TWO BABIES AT ONCE (or should be, in my opinion). Swooping two crying 4 month olds and taking them to another floor of the house so spouse can sleep is a wonderful trick. Then you need to burp and diaper one at a time but hopefully you get into a rhythm of them being almost done fussing when the feeding is over.

OR---- are the babies old enough that they SHOULD be sleeping through the night unless sick? You didn't specify if you're talking about two month olds or 18 month olds..... In which case, you're frustrated that sick baby wakes not sick baby because hubby doesn't move fast enough? In that case, putting sick baby in another room from not sick baby would be a good trick--- in a pack and play if big crib won't move out.

Hang in there. Soon both twins will be old enough to annoy you enough at midnight that you can simply say "shut up and go back to bed, teenager". Smile

amother

Daffodil

Wed, May 10 2023, 10:12 pm

You’re too tired… it’s not your fault. It’s SO hard to be tired!!! I wish I could think of a solution for you.
One shabbos I was collapsing from exhaustion. I had a newborn, 2 year old and 4 year old. I wasn’t sleeping and I was a grouch. My husband offered to watch everyone including the newborn on shabbos afternoon so I can sleep. He NEVER offers to watch the kids! I fell asleep for over an hour. When I woke up I was supposed to express my thanks. Even though I slept I was still feeling so tired and groggy. I went to find everyone. I saw that dh was giving the baby a bottle. That didn’t make sense. I was about to feed her. Where did the bottle come from? Dh told me that the baby was crying so he decided to make a bottle. I knew that he had no idea how. I started yelling at him that feeding the baby is MY job and he had no right to go ahead and make a bottle on his own
In my sleep deprived state I criticized and belittled him instead of thanking him.
That’s what happens when we need a little sleep…

amother

Orange

Wed, May 10 2023, 10:30 pm

As a mom of twins this is so relatable! as I was reading your post I was remembering being so super stressed that one shouldn't wake the other.....
FYI I think delivering multiples is so much harder on the body it takes time to get back to yourself. Being in a heightened state was just part of the baby phase.

Hatzlacha!!

amother

Fern

Thu, May 11 2023, 3:49 am

Omg I have the same issue! We get into the pettiest little arguments In the middle of the night when we’re up with the baby…I also get mad at my baby even though it’s completely not his fault and I feel like the worst mother in the world😭😭
It’s so hard to be so sleep deprived!

amother

Heather

Thu, May 11 2023, 8:56 am

Please get a night nurse.

If you can’t afford one every night, get one twice a week. Or at least get someone do you can nap…

During the day, when both are calm (we believe in miracles Wink

) tell your husband you feel mean and tired (and probably lonely) when you wake up at night.

Make sure to tune into your mental health. There’s a reason sleep deprivation is a form of torture…

Fox

Thu, May 11 2023, 9:22 am

My twins are 27 and have kids of their own, but this took me right back to those early days.

Sleep deprivation is no small thing. There's a reason it's used as a torture technique.

I'll echo the other posters: please try to get some help, even a couple of nights a week. If you can't afford it, please approach your rav or local organizations for assistance. You need this as much as food or shelter.

amother

Petunia

Thu, May 11 2023, 10:33 am

Everyone else is right but really practical advice. Buy mouth tape from amazon, it's like $10 for a box of X shaped tape. Helps you sleep better for whenever you do sleep. And may help you keep your words in.

amother

Oak

Thu, May 11 2023, 10:33 am

amother OP wrote:

I’m like that to my DH as well. It’s truly frustrating! Every time I rely on his help I end up being aggravated because he won’t do it properly . I learnt it is just easier to do everything myself. When I use to rely on his help it wasn’t a help, often made things worse and I would have to do it anyhow in addition to dealing with the mess and/or chaos his “help” caused.

amother

Daffodil

Thu, May 11 2023, 11:09 am

amother Petunia wrote:

Mouth tape 🤔

amother

DarkKhaki

Thu, May 11 2023, 11:39 am

I am mean when I’m sleep deprived even if it’s not in middle of the night. I told my husband that when I’m sleep deprived or hungry then I’m not rational. I don’t have multiples btw. If it’s Shabbos and I woke up early for the baby while he slept in (after we were both up really late the night before let’s say) and then he falls asleep at the Shabbos table and that turns it l a 2 hour nap (so that I haven’t had a chance to nap yet) then yes I will likely snap at him after. He knows that it’s his responsibility to make sure I have enough sleep on the weekends. If he chooses to be selfish and takes all the sleep he wants and doesn’t give me any chance to rest or relax then he risks my wrath. I know it sounds bad but it is what it is. I can’t be expected to be normal on no sleep.

Bnei Berak 10

Thu, May 11 2023, 11:46 am

amother Begonia wrote:

I was terrible even just with one baby!

At least he had an unusual solution to get your daughter out of the house Smile

Jalapeño

Thu, May 11 2023, 11:47 am

We had an a rule (that we talked about as calm, day humans) that everything said between the hours of 1-5AM doesn't count.
We were both grouchy, tired, frustrated, etc and while we also tried to not be mean and angry it's sooo hard in the middle of the night.
Easier to just acknowledge and apologize during the day Tongue Out

We still like each other so I think it worked!

amother

Petunia

Thu, May 11 2023, 12:03 pm

amother Daffodil wrote:

Mouth tape 🤔

Yes?

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