how do I handle this?

amother

Fri, Apr 11 2008, 12:01 pm

My hubby's family is verrrrrry materialistic! Their main concern in life is to be funky,trendy.... They actually are a very frum family and are slowly going down. Whenever I visit (which is often) I am always worried that I'll look "less" than them. I still go by my standards and won't change. I will not wear ill fitted clothing or short skirts, so I don't look as "good" as them. How do I handle staying my frum self(I look good but I don't wear things that dont fit my image) I will not wear nail polish, I do not think it is part of my upbringing, ( neither was it theirs). I need some chizuk to not be intimidated everytime I visit.

Squash

Fri, Apr 11 2008, 12:10 pm

here it is. my chizuk. did ya catch it? good.

just remember who you are and what you are aiming for. keep reminding yourself

also, I'm starting to sound like a broken record here, but I still think it's great advice: keep asking Hashem to help you maintain your standards of tznius and not get swayed by peer pressure. davening is the most valuable resource we have.

for those of you who will start saying : well, there's nothing wrong with nail polish, and skirts could be up till x amount from your knee, etc etc etc. this is NOT the issue. op wants to maintain her standards. she's not asking if what others are wearing is wrong.

hatzlocha op.

flowerpower

Fri, Apr 11 2008, 12:12 pm

if u just do what u usually do youll be fine. im sure they admire u for being the way u are, people always look up to others that are above their level, I see it over and over again

NotInNJMommy

Fri, Apr 11 2008, 12:15 pm

You have to be confident in who you are. Do you think you look good (on all levels)?

If you are confident that you are a special Yiddishe woman, and you are looking your best (since this is about feeling self conscious about looks), then find some positive affirmation: I'm helping to bring Moshiach by dressing appropriately and setting an example of looking good and tznius AND by being b'simchah!

Also, don't get preoccupied with their clothes. Focus on the conversation, cooking, whatever is going on.

I couldn't care much less about some things my in laws/coworkers might be interested in. I look for common ground, and even though some people look down on others who aren't "into" the shutssim they are into, I am confident that I'm no less of a person bc I'm not obsessed with x,y, or z.

I know, easier said than done. When you don't have to be around them, surround yourself with others who behave/value things in the way you do.

Raizle

Sun, Apr 13 2008, 6:41 pm

Quote:

I will not wear ill fitted clothing or short skirts, so I don't look as "good" as them.

look at your sentence. You will not wear ILL fitted clothing, so you don't look as good?

How would ILL fitted clothing make you look good and why don't you look good if you DON'T wear ILL fitted clothing? Wink

Stay yourself, be confident and proud of who you are!
If its really an issue for you then view it as your nisayon which you know you can and will pass.

amother

Mon, Apr 14 2008, 2:10 pm

Thanks all you guys for your support. It's just that I sometimes feel like a fifth wheel when I don't know brand names(let alone wear them ) and the latest fashions.

Squash

Mon, Apr 14 2008, 3:01 pm

amother wrote:

Thanks all you guys for your support. It's just that I sometimes feel like a fifth wheel when I don't know brand names(let alone wear them ) and the latest fashions.

don't feel like a fifth wheel. I'm always proud that I have no clue what some of the names are that are thrown around when shmoozing with neighbors, etc.

be proud that you have more worthwhile things occupying the gray matter in your head than brand names. kwim?

NotInNJMommy

Mon, Apr 14 2008, 3:56 pm

I'm also totally not trendy, so in small doses, I enjoy finding out what names are trendy--otherwise my wardrobe never gets spiced up at all. I dont' ahve the time to follow fashion, so it's useful for me to have fashionable friends (although BH I don't think they are untznius, etc.) bc then I get new ideas to bring life to my otherwise monotonous wardrobe.

My point it, sometimes there can be useful things for me in otherwise normally dull topics, although I can only handle small doses.

Raizle

Mon, Apr 14 2008, 6:36 pm

well I consider myself trendy and tznius at the same time but I don't care about brand names. In fact I don't know anyone who is trendy, tznius or not that cares about whether you know brand names or not.

I don't think knowing brand names has anything to do with tznius or trendy.

In fact you could be all into brand names and be a lousy dresser tznius or not. You could buy the best brand names clothing but get things that are all wrong for you, both in the trendy world and in the tznius world.

NotInNJMommy

Mon, Apr 14 2008, 6:39 pm

brand names or trends....my point was being around shopaholics can satisfy my small desire to have a bit more trendiness in my wardrobe, which otherwise I wouldn't have the talent or time to foster...

Basically, finding the "silver lining" in the conversation at hand (as long as it's kosher....)

amother

Tue, Apr 15 2008, 5:23 am

I feel the same way sometimes, except with my whole community, not just my husbands family.. I can't wait to move..

I am liking the comments as I can benefit from advice too!

I'm the girl sitting in the middle of a bunch of ladies, Im wearing a tznius black dress, tights, flats.. surrouded by ladies who don't cover their hair, short dresses, arms/necks/ cleavage showing, the highest of fashionable heels, no tights, some in pants.. need I say more??

I stopped going out for Shabbos meals for this reason, I can't stand it anymore!! I feel so strange all covered up and not wearing 'the latest'. Unless I know the people dress appropiately at least.. even then the high fashion part makes me feel uncomfortable..

zufriedene

Sun, Jul 20 2008, 1:43 pm

I would just allow that to be my shminis gaave, not changing traditional wardrobes and not becoming trendy'
if u change what will be with the next generation? stand up "shtulzerheit" and remember bizchus they didnt change their lvush, our ancestors were redeemed from mitzraim.