Need Chizuk | Imamother

amother

Mon, Dec 01 2014, 2:55 pm

amother wrote:

One of my siblings went thru a rebellious, independant stage as a teen...and today is happily married, with a wonderful DH and five normal BY-type angelic kids.

She never made any really bad choices as a teen....but her crowd was on the wild side, and she dressed, read, hung out, etc....climbed out the window to join her friends.

She always says that when she meets hs teachers, they look at her and give a double-take. They are likely surprised that she settled down and turned out so well. Her point there being that hs teachers tend to be judgemental.

OP: Thanks! Can everyone please keep us in their tefillos that we shouldn't even get to the rebellious stage? Hashem will know who you mean...
Thanks to everyone, this thread has really been helpful, both practically and emotionally, and if you have more ideas or anecdotes, keep them coming.

amother

Mon, Dec 01 2014, 3:26 pm

amother wrote:

14 year old daughter is a good Bais Yaakov girl who since starting high school is showing scary changes - wants to listen to secular music, watch all kinds of movies and tv shows and read any books she wants. This is not how she was raised. We're afraid of restricting everything though and pushing too hard. This is devastating to us.
Have any of you dealt with this? How did you manage?

I was your dd as a teen. I never really got along well with the more yeshivish girls. I was a quieter kid with low self-esteem and gravitated toward this kind of group who was very accepting of me. No one at home listened to secular music - my mother only let me listen on my headphones. She didn't let me read certain books and would flip through them and not allow me to read anything with romance. In regard to movies, my mother had no idea what I watched at my friend's houses but she held her ground at home and wouldn't let me watch anything at home. She called my friend's mother and said she does not allow me to watch R rated movies which I appreciated bec then it was about her and not abt me and gave me an excuse with my friends. Also, she would tell my friends that they have to tell her before we watch any movies rated PG-13. If it looked too violent or scary, then my friends could blame her. Evenutally I got the confidence to stand up to my freinds and say I dont want to wtch movies at sleepovers. Her disapproval of not allowing me to do things at home but giving me space to do things at friends houses showed me it was wrong yet she still accepted and loved me and understood. I am telling you right now that if my mother would have restricted everything, I WOULD HAVE had no friends and would probably be very turned off of judaism.

I frummed out in seminary, went for 2nd year, married frum yeshivish chareidi guy who is against any movies or non-jewish music.

the only way to get her to a different, better place is to allow her to go through this. say I understand what your friends are doing that u want to know the in songs and watch the popular movies. be aware, show disapproval, but allow her to do thigns with your firends as lng as she tells u. otherwise she will do it anyway without telling u in order to fit in. or she will lie and tell u she was with a diff friend that u do approve of. trust me, ive been there. don't restrict her chance at freinds at being cool and fitting in. be smart.

amother

Mon, Dec 01 2014, 8:32 pm

amother wrote:

Thank you - I appreciate this a lot. I'm not restricting everything at all. The secular music is really bothering me but I'm allowing Maccabeats (thanks to another amother) and that type of stuff even though I really don't like it either, and I'm allowing videos here and there but only ones I approve of. She knows it's bedi'eved but even so, it feels like no matter what I compromise on, she wants more. I'm terrified of going too far in either direction.