14-Year-Old DS About to Be Kicked Out of Yeshiva-WWYD?

amother

Tue, May 01 2012, 10:15 am

ChossidMom wrote:

Sadly, OP, there are many Rosh Yeshivas who are more worried about how things LOOK in their yeshiva than about any particular boy's neshama. I find this very, very sad. It is more important for them to "set an example" than to think about the ramifications of sending a boy home in shame, for the last weeks of the zman. IMO it's tragic and I don't think I would want my son learning in a yeshiva like that (not that that's any help to you if you get stuck right at the end of the year!)
I pray for you that things work out for the best.

I also feel that way - I think the RY's attitude is all wrong in terms of his reasoning for firing him. He said that if he takes him back, everyone will see that he didn't get a proper punishment, that they won't learn that it's so wrong and might do it again. Yet I think they'll see that it's apparently ok to call the police to say thieves are in the school and not to own up to what they did, as long as somebody else gets ALL rather than partial blame.

And yes, what seems to bother him the most is the image of the yeshiva. And when I pointed out that maybe there should be better supervision in the dorm, he didn't like that at all. "The dorm is not a prison. How do we know what they are doing on the public phones, etc. etc." But wait a minute, there were six or seven boys in this story and it was 10:30 at night, which is supposed to be lights out.

Scratching Head

But I would still rather he finished there and went somewhere else next year than being unceremoniously thrown out.

CatLady

Tue, May 01 2012, 11:04 am

I am wholly unimpressed with the "image-consciousness" of the school administration. But I would also point out to DS that his "friends" left him twisting in the wind to save their own necks. Even under pressure from authorities and facing expulsion, your DS still showed strength of character by refusing to rat out his buddies. As soon as he starts defining himself by his excellent middot (loyalty, not bowing to authority's pressure to save himself by incriminating his friends, willingness to accept responsibility for his actions and to learn from his mistakes), he will realize his full potential, which I believe is considerable. I hope the expulsion doesn't become The Thing That Defines Him - it's up to you to frame this in the best possible manner so he can move past this phase and put his leadership skills to good use. Hugs to you, and hopefully you will find a much better learning opportunity for your DS next year that values character more than image.

amother

Fri, May 04 2012, 8:53 am

Update:

In the end, they didn't throw him out, b"H. I am supposed to call the RY on Motzaei Shabbos and he will tell me when ds can come to him and make an official apology and statement as to why he knows that it is wrong to do what he did. Then, if they like his answer, he can come back.

So I have done my part. The rest is up to how ds behaves and what Hashem decides.

Good Shabbos!

ValleyMom

Fri, May 04 2012, 10:46 am

I do not understand why you are so desperate to force your son BACK into a yeshiva where:

A He is unwanted

B He is not supervised

C The students sound a little out-of-control

D The administration cares more about the schools image than the social, emotional and physical well-being of their students.

Please take a moment to explain yourself as I am completely bewildered by this thread.

ChossidMom

Fri, May 04 2012, 10:49 am

Good, OP.

Allow me to explain why, Valleymom. We are only about 10 weeks before the end of the zman. This is not the right time to pull her son out of this yeshiva. First he has to finish the zman. Then she can decide what she has to do. It would also look VERY bad for her son if he were to leave the yeshiva right after this business. If he leaves it has to be on OP's terms and when the time is right for her and her son. She has to do everything in her power right now to preserve his reputation because if that goes down the toilet so does his future.

amother

Fri, May 04 2012, 10:53 am

Chossidmom has it right.

I think throwing ds would have a bad effect on his reputation, would mess him up in terms of where he'd want to go next, and woud also do him a lot of emotional damage. He is very happy to go back there as he has many friends in that place. I told him that we should start looking for somewhere else for him to go next year. In the meantime, let him finish the year and then move on, rather than being slung out with nowhere to go.