How did I become public enemy number one 😞

mha3484

Mon, Apr 15 2024, 4:39 pm

I don't know if its my age or my personality or both, also how I was raised in the late 80s/early 90s but for years I have tapped into this idea that my kids are not my friends. I don't need or want their validation. I am 40 years old and I don't really care what my 13 year old thinks of me. This helps me manage behavior I don't like without it turning into a power struggle. Because whatever he or my extremely challenging 9 year old does or says doesn't produce the results that lead down the power struggle path.

amother

Lightcyan

Mon, Apr 15 2024, 4:54 pm

amother OP wrote:

Thanks for your response. How should I have handled it? I guess I could have told my younger dd to take the stuff off the bed. I didn’t because I didn’t think it was right for teenaged dd to leave it there.

Honestly? I probably would have moved it myself. I would have given dd a "look", and then done it. Sometimes it's just not worth it.

But also, what was behind her refusal to move it? Was it simply a matter of, she didn't like being told what to do? If so, then yes, I try to never engage.

The other thing is what is the totality of your relationship like and her behavior the rest of the time? If she's overall a good kid and your normal relationship is positive, then sometimes it's better to just look away.

amother

Snapdragon

Mon, Apr 15 2024, 4:57 pm

I'm from the 80s and I don't take nonsense from teens. But my teens are batting 1000 today in obnoxiousness. I wouldn't care so much if I didn't have to constantly clean up after them. They lie in bed all day on this vacation, help for five minutes, and then go back to their beds. They roam the house at all hours, complaining they're hungry as if I'm supposed to produce food for them at the snap of a finger. Then when I tell them something about their behavior, they blame me.
I'm so done. My pesach menu has just decreased in half its size because I'm not lifting another extra finger for them.

Chayalle

Mon, Apr 15 2024, 5:01 pm

amother OP wrote:

Great advice but I have no clue how to actually do that. The pain builds a wall around me I don’t know how to break through

It's really a conscious decision to talk to yourself, to tell yourself that you are okay and that her words are just the words of a teenager. They are not definitive. They don't say anything about you (they say things about her.) Tell yourself that she is just being a teenager. Let yourself breath deeply and diffuse the pain with positive messages to yourself.
Eventually you will be able to handle it better when she is being a teen. And at that point, you are the adult.

imaima

Mon, Apr 15 2024, 5:21 pm

amother Maroon wrote:

Do you have teens or older kids?

The things belonged to the teenager!

Should the younger dd have moved them herself? Forget the question of whether it's fair (though my kids would have a field day with that), I'm envisioning a meltdown from the teen that her stuff was touched (ridiculous, since she left it on her sister's bed, but a little ridiculous never stopped a teen).
I'm guessing younger dd either already asked teen dd to move the stuff and, when she didn't, turned to mom for help, or she already learned from experience that there's no point in asking her sister to do anything.

I will sometimes announce something like, 'Dd's bed needs to be cleared by x o'clock. Otherwise I'll have to clear the stuff to the floor.' Then teen dd can choose not to without affecting her sister and shouldn't have an excuse to yell (but she might anyway).

Yes I have both. I don’t see where OP says that her kids couldn’t manage this situation prior to her dh mixing in.

amother

Starflower

Mon, Apr 15 2024, 6:41 pm

amother Snapdragon wrote:

Same, but apparently that doesn’t make a difference. Seems like I’m the one batting 1000 today….I don’t even remember what happened in the car on the way to school this morning. Now, she came home from school a little while ago, and said she got a 94 on a test. I said that’s awesome, and asked what subject- עברית. Then she got a funny look, and I asked her if she got her math test back. (She failed the first two or three semesters, but she’s been doing better so far this semester) and she said she got a 68. I said that’s great (meaning it’s great that she passed!) and evidently that was the wrong this to say. After a little back and forth, I said fine, next time I won’t say anything. As she was walking away, I turned to my baby’s therapist and said “I hate girls” to which she responded “well, if you hate me, then don’t talk to me!”

amother

Lightcoral

Fri, Apr 19 2024, 9:58 am

you need to fill yourself and not need approval from lil stinkers.

I lost the popularity contest a long time ago with my teens ive learned to try to listen closer if theres somewhere we keep finding ourselves stuck and reevaluate (certain rules etc) but my teen girls really instigate each other lol

And I need to be their mom not their high school cool friend

I will find friends my own age

amother

Lightcoral

Fri, Apr 19 2024, 10:06 am

not sure if I understood but she told your hub to kick her out of the room? I wouldnt tolerate it for the risk of her treating others like that. He should've ended the convo right there and said mommy and I are on 1 team. If she's out I'm out

Or say "u sound pretty upset about something id love to talk it through with you but you can't be mean when you're mad. I need an apology"

And walk off

I also know that notes diffuse such situations. I try to be the adult on harder days and drop a note on her pillow saying I love her no matter what and throw in some sympathy and reminders that every day is a chance to try again

Id follow up by trying to catch dd be flexible and tolerant write her long letter singing her praises so it reinforces the good behavior

Dd has dmdd or one of those undiagnosed complicated personalities. It's been the ultimate journey of self improvement...

For me

amother

Raspberry

Fri, Apr 19 2024, 10:18 am

amother Lightcoral wrote:

And what about when you as the parent mess up. Act mean when you’re mad. Now what.