Please don't ask why I'm not going away for pesach!

amother

Turquoise

Thu, Apr 11 2024, 1:42 am

I'm having this situation too. Our family dynamics changed recently and it doesn't work to go to one side so we are staying home for part of yom tov. We are married enough years that I didn't think anyone would comment, though our family is small. I've gotten a bunch of comments about it that I was not expecting.

amother

Orchid

Thu, Apr 11 2024, 4:39 am

amother OP wrote:

I just don't get it!
I know I'm youngish to be making pesach especially that my parents really have the space to host us. But, we have been disinvited for a few years already because asking to come means going thru a whole talking to that they don't like that I don't do all their things that married daughters are supposed to do. like call every single night to check in with mom. make sure to call if need be 20 times on erev shabbos because you MUST wish your parents good shabbos on friday no matter what. and all sorts of things like that. it would come with yellings and threats and I'm done with dealing with it. so we just don't ask to come and we have never been offered/invited since.

But why in the world would you ask me 'But why are you not going?? everyone has their private reasons. keep your comments to yourself!!!

(and when I excuse myself, please don't further question my excuses. but your mom wouldn't squeeze you in anyway?.....

The bottom line is that not everyone has parents who they can go to.

Not everyone can go to their parents (for whatever reason).

Though I think it is good that as a community we expect that kind of connection between kids and their parents. (We have also made Pesach ourselves since shana rishona. Only one year we spent Pesach with my in-laws, after our first was born, they paid the ticket. Hasn't really been enough cash since then...)

amother

Orchid

Thu, Apr 11 2024, 4:42 am

amother OP wrote:

LOL maybe! but my mom is lot less harsh on my brothers. I'm the only girl...

I blame it all on my parents too! but then I hear from others that my mom makes it sound like I'm some kind of martyr so she can excuse herself. it gets me so upset.

Narc moms are often much meaner to daughters than to sons....just saying....

amother

Bellflower

Thu, Apr 11 2024, 5:06 am

I also don’t go away for pesach. Family dynamics that I’m not getting into now.
It’s interesting because I’m also the only girl in my family …
I don’t have the pressure of the expectations you have. In fact, I usually call about 1x a week. And they really don’t care.
I won’t tell you about the hurtful comments made about me or my kids…
the point is that we want to feel valued by our parents. Wouldn’t it be nice to hear that they think I’m doing a very good job?
But I have never heard that.
Even without words.
I remember a neighbor complaining to me that her out of town mother keeps sending her packages and she has to drop everything and go pick them up when they arrive with a ride to the neighborhood. She said that her mother loves to cook and bake for her to make things easier.
I never received a care package from home. Nothing.
So my point is, we wouldn’t be walking around with so much pain if only we felt valued.
It’s hard to be different.
Most parents value their children and express love towards them.

amother

Poppy

Thu, Apr 11 2024, 7:04 am

amother OP wrote:

I can't really use that excuse Smile

we are happily going to my in laws for part of pesach...

Is it possible that you are self conscious about it and that is coming out in the conversation? We are also staying home half and going to inlaws for half and when I tell people our plans no one seems too fazed.