Boy Shana aleph | Imamother

gottago

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 7:33 am

It's really hard that you're son is making choices that you don't approve of. He's not behaving how you wanted him to behave at this age.
You need to remember that he has bechira- actually, the word bachur comes from bechira because this is the stage where our children begin to make choices for themselves. This is how HaShem designed it.
I would encourage you to accept that he's in charge of making his choices. As others have said, he knows what you believe in and what your expectations are, and he's choosing otherwise.
Can you sit him down and have a conversation with him about what *he* wants over the next few weeks? Build him up, tell him that you believe in him, and that he's responsible for his choices about who he hangs out with, what time he goes to sleep, what time he wakes up, when he gets a job... empower him to exercise his G-d given free will.

As far as sending him back to Israel, is there a rebbi that you could talk to? Find out how he's spending his time there etc...
It could be that he's making better choices in Israel and this is his way of doing bein hazmanim or it could be that this is what he does in yeshiva, in which case, you have no obligation to support habits that you don't condone.

ShishKabob

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 8:02 am

I'm sorry, even if he's a teenager he still needs to be mentchlich and respectful of his parents. Common decency is to let a mother know what time he'll be back. How do we expect our sons to grow up to be responsible dh's if they are never trained or expected to act responsibly.
The only thing is, how to approach it and it has to be done in a loving non confrontational manner.

Hugs op, he is probably a good kid, just feels like he's on extended vacation now.

amother

Eggplant

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 8:23 am

You need to have a conversation of what’s next?
He needs to have some direction of what he wants to do.
You say he’s acting lazy.
Did he just get back ?
For him, he’s on vacation mode.

DH you and him need to sit down and ask yourselves what’s next.

He wants another year in yeshiva? Ok but let him know that you expect him to be studying not touring. Going a second year is reasonable, and parents usually pay for this.

If you can’t afford a second year, then that’s a different conversation.

essie14

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 8:25 am

amother Quince wrote:

yes. just give him lots of love and support, hes obviosuly not doing so well emotionally. a happy person wouldnt do that.

Staying out late is extremely common for teens and young adults who don't have to be at work in the morning. It's not indicative of emotional problems.

amother

Cognac

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 10:11 am

racheld6 wrote:

I agree but staying out till 2,3 and then sleeping in till 12 should I be ok with that ?

There's nothing you can do about it. He's an adult, starting to spread his wings, trying to figure out his path. He's going to realize on his own eventually right from wrong.

amother

Cognac

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 10:14 am

amother Quince wrote:

yes. just give him lots of love and support, hes obviosuly not doing so well emotionally. a happy person wouldnt do that.

That is so so not true!! It is normal for that age teens, that don't have a job to be at in the morning, to be up late in the night & then sleep late. It absolutely doesn't mean that they're not emotionally okay!!

amother

Cognac

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 10:16 am

ShishKabob wrote:

There's nothing wrong with a 19 year old telling his parents not to wait up. It's not disrespectful.

amother

Brickred

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 12:26 pm

racheld6 wrote:

Hello need advice little help ,
My oldest son 19 came back from yeshiva in Israel ,
Home for a few days he’s been out late so when I ask when he’s coming back he responds with ״don’t wait up״
Sleeps in , disrespecting not only me but his dad !
Am I right to ask and be concerned or just let it be ,
He’s claiming wants to go back to Israel but I know all he wants is feedom and to chill won’t work or go to school to do anything he’s relying on the little cash he makes running errands for a neighbor ,
Do I just let him be or put my foot down ! He’s not my only child I have a full house and we both work full time l feel my post is all over the place but 😤,,,,

Re: the bolded- is he disrespecting you in other ways or do you consider the sleeping in to be disrespectful?
He's 19, he's an adult it is most probably nothing to do with you that he's sleeping in. I'd also be wary of telling an adult son when he needs to be home but I'm also not up to that stage yet so I can't judge you:)
My husband told me that when he was that age my MIL would give him a list of jobs/expectations from him every day most were not time sensitive though. Ex. clean out the shed. Cook 2 kugels. Run to cleaners open between 10-4.
And he would do them on his own schedule. He knew that his mother expected them to be done every day but she didn't care if she did them a couple hours later (or even after midnight:) )
I would try that with him.
Hatzlacha navigating this stage with him!

amother

Wine

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 12:28 pm

It may not make you happy but it's pretty normal. I recommend speaking to his rebbi or rosh yeshiva because they should really have a good picture of where is he holding in all areas, but DH works with this demographic and I know boys who basically slept through shana aleph and beis and then "woke up" and matured in gimmel and are very healthy productive married adults. It's not indicative of a problem and happens more often than most parents realize.

amother

NeonPurple

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 6:14 pm

Why did he come home for Pesach? He could have baked Matzos (good money) clean homes (also good money. ) He is home. Sit with him and ask him what he wants to do next Zman. Tell him he can go learn but no ticket home for YomTov. If he goes to Israel he stays there. He has and will find more work. Maybe thats what he needs. Is he in a Yeshiva at all? Dorm? How does he have food?

amother

Whitesmoke

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 6:39 pm

He got used to being autonomous and independent. He enjoys it. Its a learning curve for you & him that he just got back. Give a few minutes for adjustments to happen.

He is first of all taking work to earn money. I call that responsibility. Second he probably sees telling you dont wait up as being thoughtful.

When you are in a calm place just have a heart to heart. Tell him your feelings from his actions, not the solution you want from him. See if he comes to it himself in a minute. Validate his feelings on what he would like to do now that he is home. Hopefully he will surprise you.