Shabbos with a bunch of little kids

amother

Violet

Sun, Mar 31 2024, 2:56 am

I have a 3.5 year old and 9 month old.

We eat breakfast, then play with the toys whilst I read a little, then go the the park with some relatives for as long as we can strech it. DH picks us up from the park. We go home and set the table, make a seuda. Then we all lie down for a nap for 1.5 hours ideally. Then we play again and have shalosh seudos.

Then havdalah straight away and bath and bed. Later bedtime due to the nap.

Shabbos is kind of endless.

amother

Vanilla

Sun, Mar 31 2024, 3:08 am

amother OP wrote:

Question, I'm a baal teshuva, and one thing that I've always questioned is how do moms do Shabbos when husbands are out of the house for a good percentage of the day? When the oldest kid is 8 and theres 3, 4 younger ones. How do the moms do it alone without family around or hired help?

TIA

They are miserable.
But the answers are:
1) they live around family or hire help;
2) they have an eruv and go out.

I am a BT but when I was in that stage, my kids basically trashed the house. I was always on, played with them, went out at least once.

Also, men don’t need to be out for most of the day. There are different minyanim. Fathers of little kids whose wives have no company or help daven and run back home.

amother

Beige

Sun, Mar 31 2024, 4:14 am

So much depends on where you live and what you have available in your area. Are there parks? Relatives or friends nearby you can visit?
There's no magic formula. I work very hard on this because I want Shabbos to be an enjoyable day with pleasant memories for everyone.
We do a lot of playing in the park (we generally don't go to that park during the week, so it's the 'Shabbos park') in the warmer afternoons. I try to get out at least for a bit even if it's cold, as long as it's possible. Fresh air can do wonders.
I arrange with friends to get together so the kids get a change of scenery and some playmates.
We don't give nosh until the afternoon (maybe a drop by kiddush and a parshah treat in the seudah but that's all) so they aren't hyped up with sugar and acting more wild than usual. Later afternoon is shabbos party (for older kids can be brachos party).
The biggest deal for me is the change of mindset. Before I had kids, I thought shabbos was a day of rest - literally Smile

I had to learn to change my mindset and find other times to get rest (I know that's not easy!!) because Shabbos is now a family fun day.

Some ideas we've done in case they help you:
- special games or toys that are only for Shabbos
- visiting an elderly person or a nursing home in the area
- girls preteen + : learning groups (ex pirkei avos in the summer or something they don't learn in school) arranged round-robin style with a post-sem age girl to lead it. They learn, socialize, nosh, and play a game together.
- long friday nights or long shabbos days host a tehillim group for younger kids. all you need is tehillims, a good story to say (you can read one from a book), and a small nosh to give out as they leave.

I honestly can't imagine living in an area without a good eruv, I'd have to brainstorm all over again!
My husband also watches the kids for some time in the early afternoon (usually right after the seudah) so I can take a nap. By the time I get up, the house is usually a massive wreck but it's still worth it for me to get that nap.

Good luck and may Hashem give you ideas that will work well for you and your family so that Shabbos is a day of happiness for you!

amother

Snowdrop

Sun, Mar 31 2024, 4:49 am

I think it depends a lot on your kids and their dynamics. If they can't be together without fighting, Shabbos will be worse. What makes it easier when your dh is home? What do you all do differently? What happens when he leaves? Is each of you playing with or entertaining one difficult kid? Are you trying to relax and read and the kiddos go nuts?

I have 5 kids from 2 to 9.5 but mostly girls and they B"H play really nicely together most of the time. They don't love getting dressed and sometimes stay in PJs all day, but they just play, eat, play more. My ds is more difficult at times but he likes going to neighbors often on Shabbos. Sometimes he'll sit for hours and play Lego or Playmobil. But that doesn't help you if your difficult kids won't do that. I often read to everyone, too. Sometimes everyone manages to get dressed and we go to the playground for a bit in the late afternoon. We have a lovely relaxing day for the most part.

So what's going wrong in your home? Which kids are acting out, how, and why? Maybe some new toys or books would help?

amother

Violet

Sun, Mar 31 2024, 6:00 am

amother Snowdrop wrote:

My kids are fine but it is a day without much schedule as much as I try to make one (Read my previous post).

It's not about acting out, either way, it's exhausting.

amother

Mintcream

Sun, Mar 31 2024, 6:24 am

amother OP wrote:

Same situation with me. Reading the responses I see that everyone handles it differently, but one question, what if handling it doesn’t work for me? Why do we continue to operate our family like a one size fits all. My husband stopped going for mincha after the 4th baby. But just trying to figure this out. We are middle of the road frum chabad

My husband didn't always go to shul when kids were little because I was not handling then my husband started davening at the thr netz minyan and was home much earlier and felt much more doable.

Getting together with another family helps, but it can be long and hard. It does get easier eventually!

amother

Denim

Sun, Mar 31 2024, 10:49 am

amother Nemesia wrote:

We all go to shul.

Us too.

My oldest DD and I go to shul for a quick shiur before davening. My husband comes with the rest of the kids right before davening starts. Toddler goes to babysitting, older kids play until their kids' group starts. We hang out at kiddush, while the kids play some more with their friends.

After kiddush, we come home and have lunch. We usually have a few extra kids come home with us for lunch, and more kids that come over after lunch. The kids play for a few hours. I always try to keep a lot of ice pops and other pareve treats on hand. DH and I keep tabs, but also get to nap, read, learn a little.

We go back to shul in the afternoon. There are kids' learning programs, shiurim/learning for adults, and babysitting for babies and toddlers.

When the days are long, we hang out in the park by the shul and the kids play and adults learn or schmooze. DH davens mincha and learns earlier, comes home for shaloshudis and to spend time with the kids, and then goes back for maariv.

In the winter months, when the days are short, all of us have shaloshudis at shul. DH learns between mincha and maariv, while the kids go to their programs. There is also a big havdalah at shul, with music and with a raffle for the kids.

Motzei Shabbos, my older kids like to have sleepovers. So we typically just bring the sleepover guests home from shul or the park with us.

amother

Daphne

Sun, Mar 31 2024, 10:56 am

I live in Israel with an eruv so even though our apt is small, we spend all Shabbos in the park.
We can be in the park by 8:30am, DH picks us up after shul, we go home for the meal and go right back out to the park until shaloshudes. DH usually watches them first so I can nap and when I get up, he goes to shul to learn and for mincha. He also takes the boys for Avos Ubanim learning before mincha.
Rainy days are the hardest and sometimes we go out with boots and coats even in the rain.

amother

Babyblue

Sun, Mar 31 2024, 10:57 am

amother Daphne wrote:

What about in the summer when it's boiling hot?

amother

Buttercup

Sun, Mar 31 2024, 11:48 am

I wish we hadn't changed the clock. Shabbos is torture now.
No eruv where I live and we're in apartment so no front yard/back yard/ porch to sit outside.

I can walk with the older kids to a nearby park and dh stays home with baby. Problem is I have very bad allergies and it's really hard to go out if I cannot take tissues. Also when it's hot I get faint and dehydrated and I really need to carry water around with me everywhere, which I can't do on shabbos.

I know all the tips and tricks like library books and new toys but ultimately it's just very very hard.

bnm

Sun, Mar 31 2024, 12:39 pm

amother Buttercup wrote:

can a kid carry a backpack with water and tissues? Can your husband take them to the park and you stay home?

And yes I sympathies. I still remember those days.