Shabbos with a bunch of little kids

amother

Sat, Mar 30 2024, 11:17 pm

Question, I'm a baal teshuva, and one thing that I've always questioned is how do moms do Shabbos when husbands are out of the house for a good percentage of the day? When the oldest kid is 8 and theres 3, 4 younger ones. How do the moms do it alone without family around or hired help?

TIA

amother

Lightcyan

Sat, Mar 30 2024, 11:27 pm

Shabbos is beautiful and very challenging for me.
I have 4 little kids. My oldest is 6. I work all week and work all Friday getting ready for shabbos. Our apartment is small so everyone is everywhere. Shabbos the kids wake up early despite me having gone to sleep late. It's definitely not easy. I too wonder how others make it work for them.

mha3484

Sat, Mar 30 2024, 11:29 pm

I have a 3,5,7, 9 year old and an older son who goes to Shul. I parent a lot like how my parents raised me and I teach them to self entertain from a young age. I’m not the social director. They eat, play and argue and play more. We also spend a lot of time outside when it’s over 50.

amother

White

Sat, Mar 30 2024, 11:32 pm

Honestly, I family plan around children I'll be able to handle by myself. My dh has a busy work schedule so I cannot rely on him all the time. That doesn't mean I can always do everything singlehandedly, but can usually manage without him.

Practically speaking, most men are gone for a good couple of hours in the morning. Some men watch their kids before they leave to shul, so that their wives can sleep in.

The shachris hours were always the hardest for me. The kids always ended up being so cranky, and had to clean up and set for the meal. We had guests often, which put an added pressure. Now my kids are a little older and more independent, but there are still a lot of morning fights. We also don't have so many guests anymore.

Mincha is not so long, although many times it falls out close to bedtime.

Those are mandatory shul hours. In regards to learning in shul, that is a discussion for each couple to make. The husband's can try to go at a time that is convenient for his wife. Before mincha can be a good time if the wife and kids are out socializing anyway.

amother

Lotus

Sat, Mar 30 2024, 11:45 pm

I find structure is key. And planning before. First I make sure to buy shbs cereal or special yogurt so everyone eats something in the morn. Also have healthy options for when the kids say they must eat something but it's not meal time.
Also I make sure we go out. Unless it's pouring, we try to walk to pick up dh from shul. Or we go on walk after the seuda.
I nap early like 1.30-3 and then take back over for the rest of the day. I don't get time to myself until after the little ones are in bed. I play with them on the floor cuz I find it keeps everyone entertained longer and stay calmer when I'm involved. No couch or reading for me! 3.45 shbs party, either go visit a neighbor or continue playing at home until 5ish when I serve supper for the kids. For this also I plan before shbs so I know what im offering. The weeks I dont plan, everyone is asking for something else and I get overwhelmed. By 6 I'm starting pjs time for my 2 and 5 yr olds. Then I read books until 6.45 when it's time for bed!
Then I get to play a more mature game with my older ones ages 7 and 9. As long as my 5 yr old is up I make sure we play stuff she can join. Sometimes my 9 yr old will go to shul with dh but not often.
I finally got some quiet time now which is why I'm on imamother at this late hour Smile

amother

Sat, Mar 30 2024, 11:50 pm

amother Lightcyan wrote:

Same situation with me. Reading the responses I see that everyone handles it differently, but one question, what if handling it doesn’t work for me? Why do we continue to operate our family like a one size fits all. My husband stopped going for mincha after the 4th baby. But just trying to figure this out. We are middle of the road frum chabad

amother

Lotus

Sun, Mar 31 2024, 12:03 am

amother OP wrote:

We don't all manage every week so splendidly. It's a work in progress. Also the kids ages and stages change pretty rapidly. We do the best we could to keep it calm and happy and strive to do better next week when things go wrong.
I also put the little ones to bed Friday night at their regular bedtime so at least I'm not dealing with cranky kids all shbs long. It's bad enough my 7 yr old is going to sleep at 10 but at least not my younger ones.
For me, unless I was drowning, dh wouldn't stay home from davening. So I make the best of it. I honestly love short Fridays, short shbs, long motzei shbs schedule.

amother

Snapdragon

Sun, Mar 31 2024, 12:07 am

Tbh shabbos is my least favorite day of the week. I kind of hate it. One day I will enjoy it again but that day is not today.

I have five adorable kids who fight and kvetch and cry and poop and pee and get dirty and need help and food and drinks and toys and and and and and and and.

I work full time and im exhausted. I can barely get a salad made and everyone dressed let alone to shul or whatever.

My husband watches them before shul, I sit in the couch with coffee for 2.5 hours and make sure everyone stays alive and then when he gets home we all get dressed, clean up, and have the seuda.

After lunch, my husband and I switch off taking naps and watching the kids. Some of the older ones go to friends or friends come over but we still need an adult around so we trade off the afternoon. Its a long hard boring day and we are both tired and worn out. When the kids are old enough to take care of themselves, I can see shabbos being much more enjoyable.

amother

Bellflower

Sun, Mar 31 2024, 12:08 am

I find Sundays harder than Shabbos.
I have 3 kids, oldest is 8.
They play with each other on Shabbos. I read TONS of books to them.
I find davening with them, Shabbos party, the meal, etc all takes up time which is good.
It was much much harder for me when it was just me and my oldest before the younger ones were born.

amother

Babyblue

Sun, Mar 31 2024, 12:08 am

I'm a BT too and tbh I dont think the ffbs have anh special formula. Kids are ages 7,5 and 2. It's really really hard. My husband usually takes the oldest to shul. I try to meet him with the others for kiddush. Now we are in an apt so its really tough but iyh moving soon with more space, etc. When my oldest didn't go to shul it was rough. He is not an easy kid. At one point I had a girl come shabbos mornings and take my kids to park/her house across the street or stay home with them bc I really couldn't manage.

What can I say? You make it work. I try to give my husband the time he needs to daven and learn bc it's good for him and our family and in return I usually get a nap in after the meal and he cleans up.

When the weather is better we go outside, and also we do afternoon youth groups in the neighborhood.

esther7

Sun, Mar 31 2024, 12:08 am

amother OP wrote:

I'm with you!
We all have to figure out how to handle things based on our personality, kids, and other circumstances, for shabbosim and every day. There really shouldn't be a one size fits all. And it constantly changes and shifts as the family dynamic changes.
For me at the moment, to make shabbos work well, means my husband watches the kids in the morning for an hr while I go back to sleep. And in the summer, does another hr or so stretch in the afternoon so that I can unwind/relax (or nap again. Trust me, I'm capable of 2 naps a day Wink

I also don't have shabbos guests very often at all.
Maybe having a young girl come over to help entertain the kids for some of the time would be an option for you? Or the older kids can do with to mincha. Or if the current system is working for both of you, stick with it until it stops working

amother

Babyblue

Sun, Mar 31 2024, 12:10 am

amother Snapdragon wrote:

Yup. This resonates deeply with me!!! And my kids kvetch...mommy you're so boring. Yes, I am. Lol

amother

Maroon

Sun, Mar 31 2024, 1:36 am

My MO is to get out. By I've always lived with an eruv which helps.
Take kids out in the afternoon!! Go to a park!!! Go to your friends!!

In the morning I stay in bed for a long time (if no older kids to help, I'll give breakfast) and they come to tell me things and kvetch.
Then go to kiddushim if have, Then seudah.

Afternoon dd goes to bnos and then usually plays with a neighbor.

tichellady

Sun, Mar 31 2024, 1:40 am

We all go to shul and spend the afternoon with friends or at the park. We live in a community that is child friendly and that’s something very intentional for us. I can’t imagine being in an apartment all day with my kids, that is hard

amother

Lightgreen

Sun, Mar 31 2024, 2:48 am

We make morning play dates with other families where the kids match up well with ours or go to the park.

Mincha and maariv are only half an hour each, and he comes home between. I sometimes send a preschooler to shul for one if the timing is particularly difficult.