What age to go to funerals?

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children

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amother

Sat, Mar 09 2024, 9:23 pm

Of course there will be some variation based on individual sensitivities but I'm wondering what's typical or expected. I don't have a frame of reference for this. If I'm going to a relative's funeral I don't know whether or which of my kids I should take along.

amother

Melon

Sat, Mar 09 2024, 9:25 pm

Depends if it’s a cousin or aunt/ uncle I’d say bar or bas mitzvah and up. If it’s a grandparent I’d take any old enough to understand and sit quietly.

amother

DarkViolet

Sat, Mar 09 2024, 9:25 pm

I went in fourth grade to my grandfather's funeral. I think I was too young. Not too young to behave but too young for it to have any meaning.

I wasn't particularly mature so that would weigh in.

amother

Brickred

Sat, Mar 09 2024, 9:26 pm

Context is needed. Is it your grandparent? Aunt/uncle? Cousin?

amother

DarkViolet

Sat, Mar 09 2024, 9:26 pm

I do strongly believe though, that if they're old enough to understand and specifically want to come, you should definitely take them. That's the type of thing that can have repercussions if you don't.

amother

Stone

Sat, Mar 09 2024, 9:27 pm

If it's a close relative then sometimes the child needs to be there as part of the closure process. Relationship means more than age.

amother

DarkOrange

Sat, Mar 09 2024, 9:33 pm

My friend's mother passed away very suddenly (aneurysm) when I was in 5th grade. My mother forced me to attend the levaya. I didn't even see my friend, but the image of all the crying and shouting is still very clear in my mind today. I couldn't sleep for weeks after that!

I think it depends in context. I don't know if I would be so traumatized if it was an old great grandfather of mine... because that's the natural cycle of life.

amother

Sat, Mar 09 2024, 9:33 pm

They wouldn't specifically want to come, they'd be like "I dunno, am I supposed to?" And I dunno either.

The question is general because unfortunately it came up a few times recently. But currently up for decision is my uncle. The family lives a little near us so my kids know them. He was relatively young and it's going to be very emotional, even for a funeral.

Last time was a grandparent so everyone went except the very little.

The time before that was an uncle who lived farther away, funeral was farther away, they really didn't know him, so I gave them a pass. Went to the shiva instead. Wasn't sure if I should have been more encouraging for the older kids to go.

mha3484

Sat, Mar 09 2024, 9:33 pm

My grandfather passed away when I was 11 my sister was 9 and my brother 4. We all went and no one was traumatized.

My personal feeling for a non grandparent is 9 and older.

amother

Stone

Sat, Mar 09 2024, 9:35 pm

amother OP wrote:

If it's your uncle, not their uncle (but their great uncle), I'd say no. They don't need the burden.

amother

Lightblue

Sat, Mar 09 2024, 9:37 pm

I would say that it depends on the child and it depends on who the family is grieving. If it's a very close relative, it might be important. If the child is very sensitive, it might be overwhelming. When my mother died, my son attended and he was 7. I was very worried about him, but he did well. We were all there together from both sides and he was very protected by family. His siblings were older. My parents did not let me go to funerals until I was much older (late teens), but things were done very differently in those days. My brother's children did not go. Their grandmother is Chassidish and they had different traditions.

LittleDucky

Sat, Mar 09 2024, 11:50 pm

It depends also how close they were to the individual.
Sometimes a funeral is too hectic or frantic for kids but it would be helpful for them to have a mini levaya at a later time. So this way they can say good bye, hear something nice about them, and see the finality of it.

It also may depend on how small the family is. If the family is massive, it won't be as a big a comfort to the mourners as if there were only 10 people there. So in those cases if the kids are mature enough I would be more prone to take them with me.

agreer

Sun, Mar 10 2024, 12:20 am

Bar/bas mitvah and up; definitely not younger, even if they were close.
And ONLY if they want to go/don't have any reserves. If they don't want to go, I wouldn't force them.

It's not a mitzvah for a child to go to a funeral.
For family members they knew, a 9 year old can be menachem avel.

essie14

Sun, Mar 10 2024, 12:20 am

Any relative other than 1st degree (chv"sh) or close grandparent , I wouldn't bring a child under 14.

I wouldn't take anyone under 14 to a very tragic levaya unless there were extenuating circumstances. But a grandparent who lived a good life, there wouldn't be heartbreaking sobs.
So I'd give the child the choice.

Random great uncle who the child didn't really know - I wouldn't feel like anyone would expect your teen to be there.

But there's also a lot which depends on circumstances.
Maturity of the child, relationship. Etc.

amother

Strawberry

Sun, Mar 10 2024, 1:39 am

My grandmother was niftar when I was eight, and my m9ther kept us completely removed from the process. She sent us to a friend on the day of the levaya, and we weren't even told that my father was sitting shiva, let alone taken to visit. We had to cancel some plans I'd been looking forward to because of the shiva, and I didn't have any idea why. I've always been resentful of how she handled things.

Fast forward four years to when my grandfather was niftar. By that time I was twelve, and my mother must have felt that I was old enough to go to the levaya. She asked me, very anxiously, if I wanted to come, and I had no idea how to react. I'd internalised the message that children weren't involved in these things. So I said no, and she was relieved. That time the shiva was at our house, but she kept all of us out of the house as much as possible that week.

A few years ago I was visiting a friend sitting shiva, and noticed her young granddaughter wandering out of the house with a few empty bottles in her arms, just part of events in the most natural way possible. I was so envious of her.

So age guidelines? I really don't know, because there are so many different factors involved. I would say, if the child had experienced a loss, let them be involved in the mourning process.

If it is a grandparent and you judge the child old enough to attend the levaya, have someone else come along to be in charge of them. Not a teenage babysitter. An adult who they know, who can be there and explain what is happening, and take rhem out if necessary, and be there for them emotionally. During the levaya of a parent, or a spouses parent, you are too involved, physically and emotionally to care for children. Delegate that to someone else, and be there for them afterwards.

amother

Sienna

Sun, Mar 10 2024, 5:05 am

My grandparent passed away recently. My kids over bar / bas mitzvah wanted to go to the levaya and went themselves. My nine year old dd also wanted to go. She went with her 13 and 14 year old cousins. They walked together from school and took her back to school after. They said tehillim together. They wanted to go as a closure.

For the cemetery burial my 16 and 18 year old boys wanted to go so I arranged it for them. I was there too. If they needed support they could’ve come to me and I did tell them so. I discouraged my 13 year old as I felt the cemetery would be too much for a child that young.

amother

Sun, Mar 10 2024, 9:49 am

Yeah this is not a cemetery service. That's definitely too intense for kids IMHO.

I just feel in such a gray area. They were not very close but not not close. (Definitely close to the aunt but uncle was home less). They're not old enough to be definitely old enough and not young enough to be definitely young enough.

I don't want to bother anyone close enough to ask if grandchildren the same age are going. Older grandkids for sure yes and younger ones for sure no but don't know about their age. There are only a few grandkids total. None of the other great nieces and nephews live farther away and don't have a relationship.

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