Respectful parenting - now my kids are more whiney?

amother

Thu, Sep 28 2023, 9:50 am

Ok so basically I started parenting more respectfully a couple of months ago... I had read up about it, I started to understand really how my children are human beings that deserve to be treated with respect and gently. I never was a parent who hit or was really mean to my kids (I tried) but I just didn't understand fully the concept of how children are human beings and treating them with love and understanding is so vital.

Or rather I knew it in my head but really educating myself put it into action.

Here's the thing: Lately I've seen that they've become more whiney. What I mean is that they need me around them at all times. If I go to the bathroom they can sometimes even cry and stand by the door.

They are ages 2 & 3.

One of them was also more easygoing and lately he's been more clingy and crying for small things that he used to not.

I'm not here to say that respectful parenting is bad - far from it I believe in it 100% so if anyone wants to take this as proof how terrible it is... this thread isn't it.

My question is this: Is this a normal part of the process?

Have people experienced this too?

Perhaps they used to hide their feelings more and now they feel comfortable expressing it because they know I'll really be there for them? And if yes how do I go about this?

amother

Cappuccino

Thu, Sep 28 2023, 10:14 am

amother OP wrote:

I hear that. Though it's a little hard it's like I can't leave them for a moment without them getting hysterical.

I don't know too much about respectful parenting.

But I do have clingy kids.

It's usually because I don't have the confidence to give over that safety and security and boundaries.

amother

Starflower

Thu, Sep 28 2023, 10:19 am

I see this issue when parents create a situation where they are the solution instead of helping kids feel confident and learning to problem solve. So if you always run when there is a problem, or you always over fix things and bubble wrap them, then when you close a door their solutions are all gone and it’s scary. Many people make this mistake when trying to follow respectful parenting. You treat them with respect but you don’t fix everything and cushion life. It’s a tough balance. But you need to make sure you are giving them the confidence to believe and trust in themselves.

amother

Thu, Sep 28 2023, 10:29 am

amother Starflower wrote:

I can totally hear that.
I do try to allow them to problem solve but I probably do help out too soon.
If they cry that something is stuck I tell them Ok, try to move it. But I don't like making it into power struggles so for example if something falls on the floor and I ask them to pick it up and they don't want to I'll pick it up for them.
But lately they seem to be kvetching to me with little stuff it seems they wouldn't have previously.

What are ideas how not to "fix everything?"

I think this is the crux of it. I want to show them I am hear for you, I love you, I understand you and am here to help you AND you are resourceful and can figure out solutions (to age appropriate things of course, like picking something up that fell)

imaima

Thu, Sep 28 2023, 10:35 am

amother OP wrote:

They are still very little

Also noone promised that if you do respectful parenting, your kids would be easier. Easy kids are not necessarily psychologically healthy.

amother

Starflower

Thu, Sep 28 2023, 10:38 am

amother OP wrote:

There are a few ways. Do hand over hand. Come let’s pick this up together. Gently use their hand to lift it with you. See you got it. Next time you can do it all by yourself. Messages like that. Also if something fell it’s not really urgent to fix it. So you don’t need to power struggle, you say your crayon is right there, reach down and get it. If they say no you say when you are ready you can get it your crayon will be waiting. It’s not disrespectful to not run and pick it up. And also it’s ok for them to whine or cry about it being on the floor. You just calmly repeat the solutions to them. If you are right there it can be simple to get it and say see I bent down and picked it up you can do it too, you are very strong. But if you are in middle of cooking it doesn’t make sense to drop what you are doing and run to pick up. That’s the time to gently talk them through age appropriate solutions. It’s all a dance. But always explain, model and teach while you are doing things, never swoop in and just fix it.

imaima

Thu, Sep 28 2023, 10:41 am

amother OP wrote:

Using your example
You go to the bathroom and say „Guys I am going to the bathroom. Please wait for me nicely it will be short“.
You go and they whine by the door.

You come out and console them. You ask: Did you miss Mommy? Why did you cry?“

You talk them through it and say Look! I was gone and now I am back! Everything‘s alright!

They learn that if they cry, they will be heard. It’s okay to miss mom. Mom does come out. I can share my feelings with her

AlwaysGrateful

Thu, Sep 28 2023, 10:43 am

In the same way that if your spouse dropped something, you might go over and pick it up to help them, you can pick it up.

But you would start feeling resentful if your spouse sat there and made you pick up things they dropped all the time. So I would set a boundary here.

If something is really too hard for them to do, it's fine to step in. And it's also fine to help them do things they could do themselves, especially if they're not emotionally in a space where they can do it easily. (Like if a kid is disregulated right before bedtime, you might help them get into pjs even if they normally do it themselves.) But it's a tightrope between understanding when they need you and when they're just lacking confidence or initiative. If it's the latter, I would set a boundary and expect them to do it themselves (or at least try).

amother

Lemon

Thu, Sep 28 2023, 11:26 am

amother OP wrote:

I actually do sometimes take them inside! But I really don't like to do that.

Giving in to their whining and not putting up boundaries, will just create a bigger whining problem. Respectful parenting doesn't mean giving in to everyone and never saying no.
For example: your 3 year old is cry "mommy pick me up, hold me" but you're busy, your hands are dirty, you can't pick them up now. Instead of stopping what you're doing to hold them, you'd say "you want mommy to hold you? Look, mommy is busy with..... now, mommy's hands are dirty. When mommy is done, I will be able to pick you up. You're sad that mommy can't pick you up now? Oy. I'm sorry. I will pick you up as soon as I'm done."
Instead of just saying no, you have a conversation with the child, validate their feelings.
Giving in to whining, is not respectful parenting and creates more whining.

lamplighter

Thu, Sep 28 2023, 11:32 am

They are still very young. Toddlers whine and cling for all kinds of reasons that have nothing to do with your parenting.
I think you are overthinking this and I wonder if this "doing it right" anxiety is being felt by the kids. It's ok if you pick things up once in a while. It's ok if they don't solve all their problems. Did I remind you yet that they are toddlers?
Maybe they are off schedule it's Tishrei, maybe they are getting a bit of a cold, maybe a kid at school took the crayons they wanted. Respectful parenting is great but be careful that you don't start making every little thing mean something.