Hachnosas orchim advice?

thegiver

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 12:25 am

It annoys me when my guest never offers to help. Staying with us for one month and a relative of my husband. How do I not let it trigger me? I think it’s rude to expect to be served and never offer a lending hand. ESP when I have so much on my plate and I’m tired.

He just likes to be fed and then goes to sleep or goes to his room leisurely. If he uses a dish and he sees someone is washing the dishes he doesn’t even apologize and just adds it to the pile of dirty dishes.

My love language is acts of service so this attitude of entitlement and lack of helpfulness really triggers me.

amother

Smokey

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 12:28 am

Is this an Israeli guest? Ugh! I vote they all stay home.
If your housing and feeding someone for a while month, I'd say you can politely ask him to please pitch in.

zaq

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 1:26 am

Several options. Ask him to help (would you please wash the dishes), tell him to help (it's your turn to do the dishes), stop serving him (this is not a restaurant, so if you want to eat you either help with the dishes or eat out), or evict him. All depends on how exasperated you are and how blunt you want to be. But since it's dh relative, let dh do the asking, telling or evicting.

amother

Lightgray

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 1:28 am

zaq wrote:

Agreed.

He is either clueless, used to his mother doing everything, or just plain rude. All of which can be solved by communicating or terminating the situation.

thegiver

Sun, Sep 10 2023, 11:59 pm

It’s equally rude to ask to pitch in. Why isn’t it obvious?? He did start eating out a lot.

It’s against Halacha to evict a guest Smile

. You can’t tell a guest to leave.

Is it rude that I’m not washing his sheets? He is a grown man… he knows how to use the machine and helps himself to it whenever he likes without asking. It’s on my conscience.

How are we SUPPOSED to treat a guest according to Halacha? Pls if you are good at this mitzvah educate me.

It’s a man and I prefer to keep a distance out of Tznius but maybe Hashem wants me to offer meals and ask how he’s doing and change the sheets when he’s not around. Pls educate me!

WhatFor

Mon, Sep 11 2023, 6:01 am

How old is this guy? Why is he staying at you for a month? Where is DH in all of this - it's his relative/guest, so why are you the one picking up after him?

imasinger

Mon, Sep 11 2023, 6:12 am

The status changes with the length of the visit.

It's not rude to ask a long term guest to do things to pitch in.

Because you have already set a precedent that you will wait on him, it might be kinder if you had some reason the situation is now changing. "It gets so busy around Yom tov, I'll need to ask for your help..."

Follow with a specific list. Remember that it's human to forget, and be prepared to cheerfully remind him.

Although zaq is right that if it's DH's relative, the direction is best coming from him, I think it depends on whether DH is very active around the house himself, and whether there's a general sense that you're the boss of household things. I think it's fine for you to be the one to speak up. It's not impolite if you ask nicely, and if you say it firmly enough, and aren't afraid to repeat yourself if necessary, it's not as likely to be ignored or forgotten.

Bnei Berak 10

Mon, Sep 11 2023, 6:27 am

amother Smokey wrote:

Is this an Israeli guest? Ugh! I vote they all stay home.
If your housing and feeding someone for a while month, I'd say you can politely ask him to please pitch in.

OP didn't state nationality of guest. What makes you think he is Israeli?

amother

Powderblue

Mon, Sep 11 2023, 6:49 am

amother Smokey wrote:

Is this an Israeli guest? Ugh! I vote they all stay home.
If your housing and feeding someone for a while month, I'd say you can politely ask him to please pitch in.

This is Motzei sheim ra -are you prepared to ask Mechila from a whole country?
We had Israeli male guests who were helpful with clearing the table, and in other ways, too.

Picture someone responding, “Are your guests from the Smokey family? Don’t invite them, they’re all terrible guests.”

MyKidsRQte

Mon, Sep 11 2023, 1:56 pm

amother Powderblue wrote:

I had an Israeli guest who rolled up his sleeves motzaei shabbes, and washed my crockpot and soup pot. When I protested, he told me "you told me to feel at home, so......" LOL

Chayalle

Mon, Sep 11 2023, 3:43 pm

FTR my brothers visited from Israel for a recent family Simcha, and asked how they could be of help. My brother walked into the kitchen and informed me he could peel those vegetables, he does it at home all the time....

OP if relative was visiting my home for an extended stay, I would spell out my expectations in advance (we'd love to host you, but in order to make it work for both of us, I will need help with XYZ....)

NechaMom

Mon, Sep 11 2023, 11:29 pm

thegiver wrote:

He’s a lot older than both me and my husband. It seems rude and condescending to tell him what to do

For how long is he still staying? If it’s long term your resentment will keep building until you or DH tell him something. I think the least he can do is clean after himself (if he’s physically able to).
Many men are bad at noticing when sheets need to be changed. If you have a cleaning lady have her change it. Otherwise, maybe tell him you’d like to do all the linen this week can you please strip yours? Then give it back to him washed (to put it on himself).
Btw, you are a real giver for hosting him!