How to respond to socially off things?

amother

Quince

Sun, Jun 11 2023, 6:29 pm

I so relate to this. I participate in a few groups and one or two of the women can be totally off. I've started to just ignore what they say. I was at a luncheon last week which started early. I don't like to eat when I'm not hungry, so I waited, saying, "It's a bit early for me." When I did start eating, one of the habitually off ones said, "I'm glad you started eating. I was worried about you." I happen to be on the thin side, so I'm sure she meant she thought I was anorexic. I said NOTHING. I pretended she had nothing to do with me.
I used to respond to off questions and remarks. Now I'm finding it's much better to just pretend I didn't hear.

amother

Pistachio

Sun, Jun 11 2023, 6:32 pm

amother OP wrote:

BH I'm with it, well dressed, put together, I have friends. I have a great career as a therapist and love my clients. I work on social skills all day with kids, its hard for me to see how socially off people are.

I had a miscarriage a few weeks ago and we went away to my in laws for shabbos. My MIL asked me in private when my husband was in shul "did you do anything to cause the miscarriage?" I was really taken aback and said no it wasn't anything I did....

I have one neighbor who repeatedly asks me when Im going to have another kid, when am I going to start trying again etc. Its so extremely off. I told her I had a miscarriage and weve been trying a while thinking it would shut her up. It didnt! She asked me how many weeks I was and I was so shocked! I told her and shes like "wow you must have been traumatized. I would have been"

I had another neighbor tell me how weird it is my husband went to visit his sick brother in yeshiva and how I "let him" go and she would "NEVER" allow her husband to do that and vice versa. Like ok? Im sorry you have 0 confidence in yourself or husband and Im ok with being away from my husband for 4 nights.

I really dont know how to respond to people when they say socially off things. When its with a student I can simply say "that's not such an appropriate thing to ask someone. Lets think of something else we can ask?"

I find that I dont want to embarrass someone by pointing out how inappropriate they're being or calling them out, but on the other hand how will they learn not to be so rude? BUT... Is it my place to teach them?

I see my in laws once a year so with my in laws I just smile and nod... but she really says socially off things like how my parents should buy us a house and how my husband should quit his job and go into the family business (the family business is backbreaking manual labor and my 26 year old husband does not need to do that for the rest of his life. Like my MIL sees her husband working until 12 AM every night, why would she want that for her own child?)

Your mil sounds tactless ok accept and move on. Don’t even take her questions seriously. I would respond with “I don’t understand the question” In a sincere way, so she understands it’s a wierd thing to ask once she breaks it down.

The friend you need to learn how to be more assertive by ending the conversation if it heads in an inappropriate way, change the topic or say my husband doesn’t like me to discuss these topics so I am careful to respect his privacy. Anything so she gets it.

In general some people are blunt or miss cues and it’s their issue. Nothing to get all ruffled about.

amother

Pistachio

Sun, Jun 11 2023, 11:20 pm

amother Eggplant wrote:

One of my proudest moments was when someone asked a question about how my twins were conceived and I turned to her and said "that's a nosy question! "
She almost ruined it, by protesting "no, I didn't mean it that way. I'm just so curious. " which makes no sense when you think about it, but at the time it left me gaping.
I just stared at her for a few seconds and changed the topic and I think that was the best response possible.

Another time someone asked if I was pregnant because I said I was going for bloodwork and I said no and felt myself turn purple. Normally my reaction would be to reassure the person that I'm not insulted. This time I just didn't hide my embarrassment and she felt terrible. Sometimes silence is the most appropriate response.
I hope an important lesson was learned.

These people weren't socially off, but maybe because of cultural differences they never learned that certain questions are very painful/ rude. It's not my job to teach them, but it certainly isn't my job to make them feel better or pretend that I'm not insulted.

I think embarrassing someone like that who is innocent (perhaps tactless) is not very good middos. A kinder and gentler way is possible.

amother

Apricot

Mon, Jun 12 2023, 4:54 pm

OP, I'm sorry that people have been so tactless with you. Snappy comebacks often work with younger people who are friends and not relatives. Sometimes, you really can't say anything:
My mother in law means very well, is generally very well mannered, and is not particularly nosy (except with her kids). When my dh and I were doing ivf for secondary infertility, she told me to "make sure you're also doing it the old fashioned way." I was 35 and had been married quite a number of years (so not a new bride) and almost died of embarrassment. After I picked my jaw up from the floor, I think I excused myself to use the bathroom and hide.

A few years ago, I was at my nephew's bar mitzvah and unfortunately had gained some weight. An old friend of my parents' was there with her husband and hadn't seen me in a number of years since my mother had died. She said to me (in the presence of her husband and my father) "I almost didn't recognize you. Doesn't it bother you to look like that? Why don't you do something about it." Talk about humiliation and hurt. She was a good friend of my mother and I didn't want to make a scene at the simcha. Instead, I said " I really don't think this is a conversation we should be having." On the other hand, she is elderly and perhaps is beginning to show signs of dementia, so I let it go.

amother

Honeysuckle

Mon, Jun 26 2023, 9:25 pm

While it's is obv more ideal to he assertive, I also struggle with that. The way I respond when people say these kinds of things to me is to smile and pretend I didn't get it and give back a vague sort of non-answer.
When will you start trying for a baby? Smile and say, I know, it's crazy and so complicated all this stuff.
Did you do anything to cause the miscarriage? Make a face and say, oy that would be horrible.
Totally vague and not really answers but kind of distracts them from the question.