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Forum
-> Relationships
-> Manners & Etiquette
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amother
OP
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 Sun, Jun 11 2023, 12:49 pm
BH I'm with it, well dressed, put together, I have friends. I have a great career as a therapist and love my clients. I work on social skills all day with kids, its hard for me to see how socially off people are.
I had a miscarriage a few weeks ago and we went away to my in laws for shabbos. My MIL asked me in private when my husband was in shul "did you do anything to cause the miscarriage?" I was really taken aback and said no it wasn't anything I did....
I have one neighbor who repeatedly asks me when Im going to have another kid, when am I going to start trying again etc. Its so extremely off. I told her I had a miscarriage and weve been trying a while thinking it would shut her up. It didnt! She asked me how many weeks I was and I was so shocked! I told her and shes like "wow you must have been traumatized. I would have been"
I had another neighbor tell me how weird it is my husband went to visit his sick brother in yeshiva and how I "let him" go and she would "NEVER" allow her husband to do that and vice versa. Like ok? Im sorry you have 0 confidence in yourself or husband and Im ok with being away from my husband for 4 nights.
I really dont know how to respond to people when they say socially off things. When its with a student I can simply say "that's not such an appropriate thing to ask someone. Lets think of something else we can ask?"
I find that I dont want to embarrass someone by pointing out how inappropriate they're being or calling them out, but on the other hand how will they learn not to be so rude? BUT... Is it my place to teach them?
I see my in laws once a year so with my in laws I just smile and nod... but she really says socially off things like how my parents should buy us a house and how my husband should quit his job and go into the family business (the family business is backbreaking manual labor and my 26 year old husband does not need to do that for the rest of his life. Like my MIL sees her husband working until 12 AM every night, why would she want that for her own child?)
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amother
Latte
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Sun, Jun 11 2023, 12:56 pm
Respond as you'd want someone to respond to you if you were visiting a foreign country and said something that was normal for you but socially off there.
Probably: if it's a pretty little thing just let it go. If it's a big thing that either might cause bad blood between you or really embarass them if they say it to someone else, then respectfully let them know.
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amother
Burgundy
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Sun, Jun 11 2023, 12:59 pm
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I lost a family member recently, and a couple of people quizzed me on things which were very hurtful, at a time when I just couldn’t handle it. It’s hard to understand what goes on in people’s heads.
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dankbar
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Sun, Jun 11 2023, 1:03 pm
You should be assertive without hurting the others. Im sure you have the right lines, if you are a therapist teaching that. Also need to be strong, not to be bothered and let it go over you, I'm sure you know the tricks and tools, for that if you are a therapist.
Like neighbor asking about your family planning, you can just say "I like to keep this personal" no need for her justification.
For mil, thanks for suggestion, but bh we figured out our finances on our own
I know its easier said than done, I struggle with assertiveness myself. I think it comes from people pleasing.
It might also be coming from not being strong on own and needing other people's validation in order to feel good enough.
Maybe a fear of rejection, if you tell people.
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amother
OP
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Sun, Jun 11 2023, 1:04 pm
| dankbar wrote: | You should be assertive without hurting the others. Im sure you have the right lines, if you are a therapist teaching that. Also need to be strong, not to be bothered and let it go over you, I'm sure you know the tricks and tools, for that if you are a therapist.
Like neighbor asking about your family planning, you can just say "I like to keep this personal" no need for her justification.
For mil, thanks for suggestion, but bh we figured out our finances on our own
I know its easier said than done, I struggle with assertiveness myself. I think it comes from people pleasing.
It might also be coming from not being strong on own and needing other people's validation in order to feel good enough.
Maybe a fear of rejection, if you tell people. |
I work with kids not adults theyre less scary lol! :/
I am not so assertive I do want to be viewed as good enough youre right...
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dankbar
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Sun, Jun 11 2023, 1:06 pm
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For letting husband get away, you can just say Im fine with it, if she says I wouldnt allow, just say, so you do you, I will do me.
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dankbar
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Sun, Jun 11 2023, 1:13 pm
You have to be strong with your decisions and not let anybody make you question your sanity or guilt you into the decisions you made.
When neighbor says I would never let my husband go, do you start thinking to yourself, am I really crazy for letting him?
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zaq
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Sun, Jun 11 2023, 1:33 pm
Your title gives you the answer. By assuming these people are socially off and don't know any better (or are experiencing a temporary lapse in judgment), you grant yourself permission to ignore their rudeness. There is zero point to trying to "teach them something" unless they're seven years old. If they're clinically atypical, you already know as a professional that lecturing them won't help, and if they're neurotypical but ill-bred, your lecturing them won't help.
Be the bigger person, but refuse to engage. "I'm not at liberty to discuss that." "I prefer to keep that information private." "The matter is confidential." "Thank you for your concern but that's strictly between my husband and me OR my doctor and me OR my conscience and me OR the lamppost and me." And if that fails, open your eyes wide, let your jaw drop, say "I can't believe you would be so rude as to ask such a question!" and walk away.
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amother
Scarlet
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Sun, Jun 11 2023, 1:36 pm
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You can say, "Oh, that's a strange question." Then change the subject.
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amother
OP
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Sun, Jun 11 2023, 1:37 pm
| dankbar wrote: | You have to be strong with your decisions and not let anybody make you question your sanity or guilt you into the decisions you made.
When neighbor says I would never let my husband go, do you start thinking to yourself, am I really crazy for letting him? |
I felt strong, then when she said that I just felt stupid that I let her say something to me like that. But I grew up with my parents going on solo vacas I think its healthy...
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amother
OP
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Sun, Jun 11 2023, 1:37 pm
| zaq wrote: | Your title gives you the answer. By assuming these people are socially off and don't know any better (or are experiencing a temporary lapse in judgment), you grant yourself permission to ignore their rudeness. There is zero point to trying to "teach them something" unless they're seven years old. If they're clinically atypical, you already know as a professional that lecturing them won't help, and if they're neurotypical but ill-bred, your lecturing them won't help.
Be the bigger person, but refuse to engage. "I'm not at liberty to discuss that." "I prefer to keep that information private." "The matter is confidential." "Thank you for your concern but that's strictly between my husband and me OR my doctor and me OR my conscience and me OR the lamppost and me." And if that fails, open your eyes wide, let your jaw drop, say "I can't believe you would be so rude as to ask such a question!" and walk away. |
Part of me wants to say the bolded, but I dont want to embarrass them
like if someone asks me "when are you going to start trying for another?" you think I should say back "its private" ? I dont sound prudish?
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smss
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Sun, Jun 11 2023, 1:42 pm
| amother OP wrote: | Part of me wants to say the bolded, but I dont want to embarrass them
like if someone asks me "when are you going to start trying for another?" you think I should say back "its private" ? I dont sound prudish? |
Would you actually consider answering that?!
I would give a surprised look, say "oh! THAT'S a personal question" and change the subject.
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imasinger
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Sun, Jun 11 2023, 1:47 pm
Repeating some of what others have said.
You'll have to evaluate each situation with your own inner meter of social appropriateness.
It's socially appropriate to correct your clients.
It would be rude to correct some people, appropriate to speak up to others.
Evaluate the likelihood as to whether you'll interact with them again, what you'd hope would be gained from saying something to correct them.
Use either"I" language, or the more general, "excuse me?" when you decide it's warranted.
To your MIL, you could even say, "That feels like such a personal question, and if I had done something, it would be very distressing to talk about it. Please don't ever ask me something like that!". And about the finances, "thank you for your opinion, DH and I are always aware of financial planning, we appreciate that you care, but it's under control."
To neighbor, you don't confide about m/c unless you feel close. Otherwise, "I don't discuss family planning, I hope you'll understand" should do the trick.
I love the Judith Martin Miss Manners collections, they address how to respond politely in many situations, and are very entertaining reading. You might see if they're in your library.
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dankbar
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Sun, Jun 11 2023, 1:47 pm
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The other person is off and rude for asking you, not you for saying its private. She is the one violating your privacy, so you need to set up boundaries. You are not being rude. You are not saying You're stupid or myob. All you are saying in I language, to protect yourself, that I/we decided to keep this private.
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imasinger
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Sun, Jun 11 2023, 1:50 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | I felt strong, then when she said that I just felt stupid that I let her say something to me like that. But I grew up with my parents going on solo vacas I think its healthy... |
For this one, you might say, "it sounds like you'd have a hard time with that situation, each marriage is different. DH and I are both perfectly comfortable with it, thanks."
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zaq
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Sun, Jun 11 2023, 1:55 pm
| amother OP wrote: |
like if someone asks me "when are you going to start trying for another?" you think I should say back "its private" ? I dont sound prudish? |
AB-SO-LOOT-LY you should, and no, you don't sound prudish. (Though so what if you did?) You sound assertive. You sound like a woman who doesn't let people push her around. You sound like a woman who knows what's appropriate and what's not. You don't have to say it in an angry way; you can say it sweetly, but firmly. You can repeat it if they persist, but why waste your time and breath? Walk away.
People who ask such questions are incapable of being embarrassed.
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imaima
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Sun, Jun 11 2023, 1:59 pm
| amother OP wrote: | BH I'm with it, well dressed, put together, I have friends. I have a great career as a therapist and love my clients. I work on social skills all day with kids, its hard for me to see how socially off people are.
I had a miscarriage a few weeks ago and we went away to my in laws for shabbos. My MIL asked me in private when my husband was in shul "did you do anything to cause the miscarriage?" I was really taken aback and said no it wasn't anything I did....
I have one neighbor who repeatedly asks me when Im going to have another kid, when am I going to start trying again etc. Its so extremely off. I told her I had a miscarriage and weve been trying a while thinking it would shut her up. It didnt! She asked me how many weeks I was and I was so shocked! I told her and shes like "wow you must have been traumatized. I would have been"
I had another neighbor tell me how weird it is my husband went to visit his sick brother in yeshiva and how I "let him" go and she would "NEVER" allow her husband to do that and vice versa. Like ok? Im sorry you have 0 confidence in yourself or husband and Im ok with being away from my husband for 4 nights.
I really dont know how to respond to people when they say socially off things. When its with a student I can simply say "that's not such an appropriate thing to ask someone. Lets think of something else we can ask?"
I find that I dont want to embarrass someone by pointing out how inappropriate they're being or calling them out, but on the other hand how will they learn not to be so rude? BUT... Is it my place to teach them?
I see my in laws once a year so with my in laws I just smile and nod... but she really says socially off things like how my parents should buy us a house and how my husband should quit his job and go into the family business (the family business is backbreaking manual labor and my 26 year old husband does not need to do that for the rest of his life. Like my MIL sees her husband working until 12 AM every night, why would she want that for her own child?) |
Lol
Sounds like my in-laws
I didn’t used to answer and just sat therr quietly, in shock.
It did help in that they saw that I don’t engage in this topic.
Later I started to give snarky replies or just tell them they are beings inappropriate.
So I noticed tht they really put in filter and don’t just speak whatever they think
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amother
Slategray
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Sun, Jun 11 2023, 2:02 pm
Let it blow over like smoke
Don’t give it substance or meaning
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essie14
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Sun, Jun 11 2023, 2:14 pm
To a nosy neighbor I would say with a laugh - "Oh, I really don't discuss that with anyone but my husband! Lovely weather we are having, isn't it?" 
To my socially off in laws I either ignore or I will look him/her straight in the eye and say, "I really can't believe you asked me that." and stare til they look away/apologize.
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ewwpeas20
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Sun, Jun 11 2023, 2:15 pm
“I’m uncomfortable with this question”
“I’d like to keep it private”
“It’s personal”
“It’s none of your business”
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