help!!!!!!!!!!! | Imamother

amother ↓

Mon, Jun 01 2009, 10:03 pm

I have 11 yr old ds hes a cute very good hearted boy hes always looking to help ppl. but lately his behavior is just as if hes a little kid.today my dh punished him he cant go out and play with his bike bec. he went to the grocery and pizza store with out permission.so he was punished right after school he had to go take his shower.I was outside watching my other kids when I just decided to come in and check upon him since I dont like leaving him alone in the house.I came into the house found him playing with fire b'h I was very lucky and nothing happend.

what was he thinking? I got so mad at him I slap him
and I punished him he had to say tehillim and go straight to bed he couldn't eat supper.
I really feel bad what happened and that he went to bed with out supper.but that was the only punishment I felt that would really bother him.
do u think he needs therapy? who should I take him to?I dont know what to do with him?in a way I think he shouldnt go to camp but then in a way I think he should?
p.s hes not affraid of NOBODY.

↑ de_goldy

Mon, Jun 01 2009, 11:02 pm

Yes, I do.
Saying tehillim should never be a punishment.
and not giving supper is cruel.
A punishment or consequence needs to relate to the behaviour that caused you to punish.
Sending to be right after school, saying tehillim and eating supper have no connection to what your son did.

greenfire ↓

Mon, Jun 01 2009, 11:08 pm

hormones come in at this age ... their moods change ...

I don't think slapping and going to bed without dinner helps ... just makes the kid angry at you because he feels betrayed ...

try to think of better strategies ... you can read "how to talk so children will listen" ...

Blair

Mon, Jun 01 2009, 11:09 pm

First off I think you should calm down. Maybe something is going on at school. Try talking to his Rebbe or teachers and see if there has been a change at school. Second try calmly specking to you child ask him if anything is going on. Yes you did over react with your punishment but don't start running off for consulting till you have the facts. It could just be a stage he is going threw and he needs extra attention from you. Has anything stressful happened lately in your family.

↑ amother ↓

Tue, Jun 02 2009, 6:01 pm

what punishments would u give this child???????? what ever I punish him doesn't help he just does it again I thought since he had to do with fire this punishment with not eating supper would be a real punishment maybe he wont touch the fire again. today he got expelled from school because he picked up his hand to a kid. do u think it helps by sending him home? he loves it.I can't even count on my hands how many times he got send home bec.he hit.

please help me give me ideas on how to punish such a kid? who can I go to?

supermama2

Tue, Jun 02 2009, 7:17 pm

I totally hear your situation OP.

I would not slap and would not assign Psalms as a punishment.

I'd talk w/ the Rebbe of my DS to see what he suggested. If you haven't arranged in advance that if ds does X then he'll go to bed w/o dinner, I'd find an alternative. Say perhaps, "OH, you're playing w/ fire in the house..that's very dangerous..here lets find something for you to do now" That something could be dusting baseboards of the house, washing kitchen cabinets..etc. I suggest Transforming the Difficult Child. The book can be found at Amazon. I'm still trying to finish it..I'm only 1/2 way through b/c I'm trying to digest it and apply it as I go. It comes w/ a work book as well which I was told to use AFTER reading the book. A friend of mine has gone to training to apply the methods found in this book. She's a school teacher and has had amazing results at home and in the class room w/ this book. Hatzlacha! Feel free to PM me if you want to talk more. I'm not an expert but I've been dealing w/ similar issues for a while now so perhaps I could be somewhat useful Smile

Hang in there!

ShakleeMom

Tue, Jun 02 2009, 7:50 pm

Clearly, he's in a cycle of negative behavior so he goes form one punishment to the next. many factors bring this on including hormones as mentioned above, jealousy, a new baby, mommy is pregnant and weak, lots of stuff. I second the parenting classes. This age brings its own flavor of parenting skills. learn how to be firm yet loving, you will crack that coconut and find a loving child in there again.

↑ amother ↓

Tue, Jun 02 2009, 10:58 pm

if you hit him then nothing is going to stop him from raising his hand to hit someone else. thats a very poor example to show him.
sending to bed without supper is cruel and abuse. you should never let your kids go to bed hungry.
you need to speak to someone and figure out better ways to handle the situation.

flowerpower ↓

Tue, Jun 02 2009, 11:03 pm

Taking a shower early in the day, saying tehillim, not getting supper is all not good consequences. Being grounded and thinking what he did or making up for it by doing extra chores might be a better idea. Once you start with one negetive thing another comes and then another and both you and the child is out of contol. Call eitzaht-they give good advice. Kids that age tend to be challenging sometimes. Best of luck!

p.s. when he is good give him privlages and compliments and build a good relationship with him. Encourage him to confide in you and help him build his confidence. When he feels good about himself and knows he has you for support then he might be listening more.

↑ amother ↓

Thu, Jun 04 2009, 7:52 am

ppunishing him, being pyhsical will NOT HELP and only make it worse!!! he needs understanding, patience, explation and LOVE./ that is what can help. having a conversayion about the rules, that you were worried about him and about ways to make sure it wont happen again can help. when kids mibehave its because they are hurting inside and needs some extra reminders, guidance and LOVE. not slaps shock

happymom ↓

Thu, Jun 04 2009, 7:53 am

when tehillim and jewish things are a punishment, kids learn to resent the torah and might go off the derech!

its also imo important to have someone who has a positive liovng and good way with children so that when you feel you are so mad you will slap your child (which is against the torah and wrong, and will only make it worse) you can have someone to talk to to calm down and think about the best way to bring out the best in the child without beiing physical and punishments which will not help the situation but cause resentment and anger in the child.

withholding food, or using food as a reward isnt healthy and causes eating disorders! its controlling and wrong. im sorry for being so harsh it just makes me sad when parents use thier control to hurt, or withold food, because that is unfair to the child and isnt using our role as parents how we should.

↑ happymom ↓

Thu, Jun 04 2009, 7:58 am

imajine this: every time you said the wrong thing to your husband he either slapped you, locked you in your room, or witheld food and love. would that make you want to be better?? NO! and kids are the same. punishments do not work! dicipline does. dicipline means how can I instill a feeling of doing what is right in my child. not our of FEAR, not with control, but with undersatnd, patience, love and consequences that make sense and arent abusive.

Mirabelle

Thu, Jun 04 2009, 2:57 pm

I think when it comes to kids that age the punishment needs to fit the crime.

He did something wrong and went out without asking. Kids do stuff like this all the time, I remember doing stuff like this. 11 is a big kid, I would explain to them why they cannot go, why its not safe, why you need to know where they are etc. Then, because he "took freedom" without asking, you take away some of his freedom, which it sounds like you did. You told him he couldnt go outside and play. Sounds fine to me as long as everything is explained.

Then inside he "Acted out" and played with fire. He was probably upset and this was his way of "getting you back." Instead of slapping I would have told him something like "wow, I really thought I could trust you to be alone in the house, but I guess I can't. For the next week you will need to go with me whenever I go out or stay home with a babysitter."

Hitting is never a good idea and teaches children nothing other than when you get mad its ok to hit people, withholding food is abusive and has nothing to do with your situation.

I have taken classes in adolescent psychology and it sounds to me like everything your son is doing is NORMAL for a kid his age. We often times forget that adolescents brains are not fully formed yet (especially the area that involves risk taking) and they still have a lot of growing and maturing to do.

↑ amother ↓

Fri, Jun 05 2009, 5:28 pm

DiznyIma wrote:

thankx for making me understand what I did wrong. I just have to think of punishments that he would care .usally he couldn't give 2 hoots how I punish him.do u think he needs therapy?where can I go for parenting?