Tips for calm Friday night table

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Forum -> Yom Tov / Holidays -> Shabbos, Rosh Chodesh, Fast Days, etc.

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amother

OP ↓

Today at 11:24 am

Any tips. Have a very intense, angry 11 year old daughter (in therapy) and the kids constantly fight at the table. Someone ends up tantrumming or stomping away from the table. I need help trying to keep a calm or at least calmer table. Kids are 11,8,4 and baby.
Any games or systems to keep kids happy?

Molly Weasley ↓

Today at 11:29 am

DH speaks to the kids intellectually, and it keeps them quiet for a bit.
He provides a halachic scenario that encourages them to consider the conclusion in a logical manner.
Also, each kid gets so pick his or her favorite song

11/8 year old should be able to follow, the four-year-old is a different story

amother

Lightgreen ↓

Today at 11:32 am

My husband asks questions on the parsha and gives out jelly beans. Friday night I try to get the meal moving fast as they’re tired and more cranky .

amother

Clematis

Today at 11:37 am

Does the 11 year old like to read? I would give her a book to read during thr meal.
If not, what keeps her calm and happy?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Today at 11:47 am

She wants to be at the table … the kids fight over airtime. Who gets to speak, who can read their devar Torah. And they interrupt each other etc… lots of screaming. it can get stressful

↑ Molly Weasley ↓

Today at 11:49 am

amother OP wrote:

She wants to be at the table … the kids fight over airtime. Who gets to speak, who can read their devar Torah. And they interrupt each other etc… lots of screaming. it can get stressful

Is dh involved?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Today at 11:50 am

Yes he is very much involved. But it’s nearly impossible to keep the peace. He tries hard but also works a lot and is exhausted by the time shabbos arrives.

↑ Molly Weasley

Today at 11:53 am

amother OP wrote:

Yes he is very much involved. But it’s nearly impossible to keep the peace. He tries hard but also works a lot and is exhausted by the time shabbos arrives.

This seems like something that should be addressed before the Shabbos table.

You/Your husband should be able to tell the other kids to be quiet while one speaks, and that they listen to you/him regularly. If that’s not happening, it’s something that needs to be worked on more broadly, to regain control. This is not just a Shabbos table issue.

amother

Papaya

Today at 11:54 am

Give her something to be responsible for. Can she prepare a parsha quiz to ask the other kids? Can she make one of the dishes and serve it?

Make sure that before Shabbos they've eaten a healthy meal with a protein and drunk enough water.

Have set seats at the table.

Have a rota who says their dvar Torah when. One after fish, one after main, one Shabbos day. When things are fixed and clear, it's easier.

amother

Ruby

Today at 11:54 am

maybe they are fighting and extra irritable b/c they are hungry? do they eat properly on friday? maybe having cholent/ shnitzel/ s/t else your kids like that is real food like an hour before shabbos would help

amother

↑ Lightgreen ↓

Today at 3:02 pm

You should also know this is very normal for a Friday night meal with kids your ages .

amother

↑ OP

Today at 3:09 pm

amother Lightgreen wrote:

You should also know this is very normal for a Friday night meal with kids your ages .

Thank you this really makes me feel a bit better.
My oldest’s behavior is not normal - hence the therapy. And it rlly spills over onto the other kids. I have started dreading shabbos. It’s rough.

amother

Grape

Today at 3:17 pm

this is so normal. I have similar aged kids and the meal can be chaotic. I've spoken to friends and they have similar stories. Some things we do to try to help this:
- I try to make sure there is something everyone likes to eat at the first course. So if I serve fish that only one child will eat, I'll cut up cucumbers/make a salad- or anything the other kids will like. Not only to feed them, but so they are kept busy and not just sitting bored while we are eating.
-I buy a special treat for those answering questions/saying dvar torah/ OR sitting quietly while sibling says dvar torah.
- DH got a couple story books related to parsha which he will try to read and tell over.
- abt dh being exhausted- this is not is for everyone, but same here, he works hard all friday and comes in close to shabbos. He started taking a small alcoholic drink before he goes to shul- it puts him in a better mood and he is able to tolerate the noise/ chaos and entertain kids better . it works for us! (its just a bit and he holds alcohol very very well- even on purim I can hardly tell hes drunk)

amother

↑ Lightgreen

Today at 3:26 pm

amother OP wrote:

Thank you this really makes me feel a bit better.
My oldest’s behavior is not normal - hence the therapy. And it rlly spills over onto the other kids. I have started dreading shabbos. It’s rough.

Sounds like my oldest , he gets nervous from everyone’s chewing and also has anger issues , we do our best but it’s always a little stressful. Shabbos day is a bit better bec everyone isn’t as tired

amother

Maize

Today at 3:48 pm

amother OP wrote:

She wants to be at the table … the kids fight over airtime. Who gets to speak, who can read their devar Torah. And they interrupt each other etc… lots of screaming. it can get stressful

It's very normal. The Shabbos tables you saw in the picture books? They don't work in real life families.

Start by what's not working and then problem solve.

Devar Torah is becoming a fight? How about your husband listens to them during Shabbos Party, and one kid at a time, and the others can go play.

They're interrupting each other? Okay fine. Everyone can talk at the same time. Just we can't hear everyone. Maybe older child talks to you and younger child talks to your husband and then you switch.

If a kid is screaming they need a break. Because screaming doesn't work at the Shabbos table. In the most likely scenario that they're hangry, hand them something real to eat. Otherwise, they can go read a book or play with a toy and come back later. They could even read a book at their seat.

Less courses. A happy table is worth a simpler meal. You can also serve two courses at a time if only some kids like fish and others like soup for example. Or serve the soup for dessert. These ideas might sound strange to you and DH, but try them for one week and see if it's worth it. You might be pleasantly surprised.

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