A fine line between dicipline and abuse

amother

OP ↓

Wed, Jan 01 2025, 1:42 pm

Looking for other opinions here if I was too harsh...
DH would sometimes dicipline our 3.5 year old by giving him a little flick on his arm if he was doing someting we told him not to do. I don't like when DH does it, I don't like the concept of physical dicipline, DH rarely does it anymore.
Being 3.5 years and curious of his body, my son often remarks on his p@nis size when going to the bathroom/bathing and often touches around his p@nis area while dressed and at home. I think its a curious/ comfort thing.
I find it uncomfortable to see him touching around that area, so does DH and I've spoken to my son about only touching there in private.
Yesterday, my son was playing in the garden around DH and I and kept touching around his p@nis area through his pants. After numerous times of me and DH telling him to stop, DH made a comment that he would 'flick our son by his privates if he didn't stop touching there'.
I got so upset, this seems disgusting and sick to me to even suggest. I told DH it's perverted and sadistic to inflict pain of any sort to a child's g@nitals. Only p@dophiles think about inflicting pain to a child's p@nis.
DH aknowleged it wrong to say and he has never done that and wouldn't do it now after what I said to him. DH said that as a kid, he and his friends would flick each other 'there' to tease/bully..according to him it's a 'boy thing'.
(I'm going to chat to a child therapist about how to discuss s@xuality and pleasure with my son as kids start learning about self pleasuring already from a young age.)
But I'm bothered. I don't think mentally-healthy adults would ever even have a thought of 'flicking a child there'. I have never had reason to suspect DH of physical abuse. But his comment yesterday left me feeling so sick. Was it too harsh to use terms like p@dophile and sadistic in reference to him?
Also, I don't really know what to do now. Do I need to leave my marriage over him making that remark, am I doing a disservice to my kids staying with DH who would even think of such a gross thing to do?

amother

Khaki ↓

Wed, Jan 01 2025, 1:48 pm

amother OP wrote:

Your husband is a parent. Parenting brings up strong emotions. If there are no other signs of a power play/abuse of others…why are you worrying? parents do many a mistake because our kids bring out the worst in us often enough.

amother

Foxglove

Wed, Jan 01 2025, 2:03 pm

amother Khaki wrote:

I agree with this.

OP- maybe someone punished your husband that way so it is just in his head but he would never actually do it to his child. Like someone saying I'm going to hit him until he is black and blue or until blood sprays. I agree that if he would do it, it would be abusive. It's not discipline. Can you calmly discuss that with your husband? It's not something someone divorces a husband over unless there are other things going on that were not shared in your op and that you do not need share.

I will tell you that when I was a little girl I went through a phase of bedwetting and my mother decided that she was going to hit me there. She would just give me a few regular slaps on my legs and then there too which hurt terribly. I don't think she meant anything inappropriate about it. It was just her idea of punishing the guilty body part. I still remember feeling so embarrassed but it may be that I was just ashamed of having an accident. My father who used to hit much more and much harder obviously would never touch me there. I never felt disrespected by any of his hitting and was never embarrassed, even though it was physically much harder. My mother was just ignorant, probably at her wits end, and doing what she thought was right. I never spoke about this in real life so I don't know if it is more common than we all think, but maybe something like this happened to your husband.

amother

Pumpkin

Wed, Jan 01 2025, 2:05 pm

Your husband needs to speak to a professional about how to parent a child properly asap. Flicking is not the right discipline method. Saying what he said doesn't sound like he's a pedophile it sounds like he has no idea how to discipline a child. It sounds like he's trying to fit the punishment to the crime "an eye for an eye". That's not how an adult is meant to act. Now I'm not saying you shouldnt be careful and keep your eyes open but jumping to divorce is a far jump.

amother

↑ Khaki

Wed, Jan 01 2025, 2:23 pm

amother Pumpkin wrote:

I want to put in a strong caveat over here. It became the norm in some boy schools that the rebbes flick instead of hitting… the flicking seems to be the better option of the two 🥶 in their opinion.

of course I don’t agree with this and I am sure neither do you, but this may be the reason why your husband does this…. It is probably innocent unless there are other signs of abuse or a power-play.

amother

Viola

Wed, Jan 01 2025, 3:05 pm

amother OP wrote:

Uh leave your marriage? That’s pretty drastic and extreme thing to say. It was in poor taste he apologized move on! You r way overreacting. You want to get divorced over an off color comment?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Jan 01 2025, 3:17 pm

Just wanted to thank you all for the responses. I appreciate the perspective. My son doesn't have an itch down there as his touching is pretty inconsistent. It could be a tighter pair of underwear that's bothering him, I'll check into that.
And yes deffinately agree with all of you that DH needs a new approach with his disciplining. I'm going to try gentle nudge him to speak to a professional for guidance in that.

amother

↑ OP

Wed, Jan 01 2025, 3:45 pm

amother Clematis wrote:

It seems you may have a bit of a more intense reaction- maybe due to trauma or your childhood. s-xuality can be a very uncomfortable topic for some. I remember being a bit more nervous with my oldest son.. Your son sounds fine, your husband sounds fine. We just need to relax and take proper precautions but not to sexualize this topic for such a little boy

I'm a survivor of CSA.
I probably got more triggered by this than I should have

amother

↑ Clematis

Wed, Jan 01 2025, 3:53 pm

amother OP wrote:

I'm a survivor of CSA.
I probably got more triggered by this than I should have

Hugs. I’m so sorry. Hug

When my son used to touch his pants a lot as a little boy, instead of telling him not to (you want to draw less attention to it) I would ask him if he needed to use the bathroom. It helped redirect him. And of course we can always talk about personal safety in an age appropriate way

regnurse

Wed, Jan 01 2025, 3:57 pm

I understand your discomfort, really I do. But if you can, muster all of your courage not to criticize your husbands discipline strategy in front of the child. This is really important, because you want your children to feel like mom and dad are on the same team, especially when it comes to the sensitive issue of discipline.

So talk about it in private with your husband, but when it happens try not to say anything that shows you are not on his team or in agreement 100% with his strategy. And know that you are not alone in this! Your husband is also dealing with sensitive feelings so it's important for both of you to be heard and understood.

At the end of the day, the flick does not hurt him too much, meaning it doesn't leave a bruise that will last a long time or cause an lasting injury. So that's a relief, there are worse forms of discipline than a flick and I would say that it isn't too bad in comparison, BH. And if there are arguments those can be more hurtful, the words, than the flick.

I am not disregarding your feelings though, it's important to know that you are uncomfortable from this and try to have your husband understand this. Acknowledging one another's feelings is really important for a healthy relationship and it's not always easy to accomplish- good luck.

amother

Orange

Wed, Jan 01 2025, 5:48 pm

amother Foxglove wrote:

I am heartbroken at this.
1. This is physical abuse
2. This is zxual abuse
3. A child should NEVER be punished for something they can’t control. My son wets the bed, he’s 9 already. From around the age of 5, I left a secret stash of pull-ups for him. He uses them when he feels he might need it (he’s sick, going to sleep very late, etc)
If he wets the bed I discreetly change the linen or matter of factly ask him to put his sheets in the washing machine.
My heart literally is breaking for you. Child abuse hits a raw nerve for me.

amother

Tan

Wed, Jan 01 2025, 7:03 pm

amother Foxglove wrote:

Foxglove that was really abusive of your mother, and sounds like maybe your father too. I’m so sorry.