If your dh has ADHD...

amother

OP ↓

Today at 2:00 pm

What do you wish his mother had taught him growing up?

I have a teenager with ADHD who was a VERY hard kid. He is now in a much better place, and I'm no longer focused on just surviving in the short-term. He's in yeshiva all week, and thriving, comes home about every other Shabbos, and is home bein hazmanim. There are so many horror stories of husbands with ADHD on imamother, so I figured this was a good place to ask...What are the most important things to work on with him?

He is already on meds and has BH recently realized that they really do help. I have ADHD and try to model taking responsibility for your mistakes and trying to fix them ("Oh no, I forgot! Ugh, I know she'll be really understanding about it, and I know I didn't mean to forget, but I'm going to set an alarm from now on so that I don't forget in the future. And I'm going to tell her that, so that she doesn't think I don't care that I messed up."). We problem solve when there's a task that he's having a hard time with. He has minor chores on the Erev Shabbosim when he's home, and more major ones during summer bein hazmanim -- my kids rotate things like laundry, washing floors, doing dishes, etc. in the summer when things aren't so busy, and he's part of the rotation.

What else should I make sure not to miss, so that his future wife iy'H won't have to deal with the fallout?

amother

Nasturtium

Today at 2:09 pm

It took me a long time to get it. If he has self-awareness and understands the impact on marriage it,l be great. We all bring different things to the marriage.

We are having oarnasssn issues dh is out of a job and not sure there’s a way forward. So if you can support him in that as early as possible. Figuring out a way to maximize his strengths in parnasssh.

amother

Amber

Today at 2:44 pm

My ex has... something
I don't know, he was never diagnosed and honestly I think he has more and bigger issues then ADHD. But definately
ADHD is included.

I believe part of the reason he has bigger issues is because of the way he was brought up.

I would say the three biggest things is accountability, self awareness and boundaries.

Teach him to be accountable for his mistakes, awareness of his issues and their effect on others and I think that having a strong sense of boundaries can help to keep oneself in check. I say that because I probably have ADHD too but because of my issues with my ex I've developed a strong sense of boundaries that I believe mitigate some of the issues associated with ADHD.

For example. Ex has terrible time blindness. He also has no boundaries so he would excuse himself by saying "they can wait 5 minutes what's the big deal". of course it was never 5 minutes and would affect other people.
Not respecting other people's time shows a lack of boundaries. If you have an understanding and awareness of that then you are a lot more careful, set yourself alarms and you'll be more mindful.

Having a strong sense of boundaries helps you to listen when people talk, check your surroundings, read the room. Etc
My ex starts talking loudly before he even enters the room, often disrupting other conversations causing distractions and really annoying people.

But he wasn't accountable. He always had an excuse for everything wouldn't try to work on himself

amother

Trillium

Today at 2:49 pm

I wish she would have taught him that he has adhd and how it affects him so he can know when he's acting it, own it, apologize for it and try to do better the next time around.
That being said, the biggest things that come up for us in marriage is emotional regulation, impulsivity, hyperfocusing, time blindness, lack of patience with kids, lack of emotional literacy.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Today at 3:06 pm

amother Trillium wrote:

lack of emotional literacy.

Can you give a little more information about what this means? Maybe some examples? Or even better, specific examples of things that it would be helpful if his mother taught him in this area?

(This is assuming that he's even willing to listen, or that I can find a way to make him open to the fact that it applies to him...As you all noticed, that's not the easiest thing for a person with ADHD.)

amother

↑ OP

Today at 3:08 pm

amother Nasturtium wrote:

We are having oarnasssn issues dh is out of a job and not sure there’s a way forward. So if you can support him in that as early as possible. Figuring out a way to maximize his strengths in parnasssh.

Thank you, this is something I may not have thought about, but I can see how it would be really important. A bit hard since he's in a system where they focus on today and not on the future...