All I want is to stay at home

amother

OP ↓

Sun, Aug 18 2024, 1:20 pm

My little ones are close together in age and I desperately don’t want to work.

That’s it.

Everyone needs my money. So working it is.
But I feel like I’m missing being a mother.
I know people can work and be good moms.

But between having all my kids close together, my husband having his own mental health challenges and not being that helpful, I feel like I am stretched thin on the daily.

I don’t have an option.
I just desperately want to be around while my kids are little.
I also want to be around when they’re older, but I figure once the youngest is in full time school I can go back to work.

My husband hates the idea of me staying at home. I almost think he’d make it impossible for me, even if we could swing it financially

amother

Begonia ↓

Sun, Aug 18 2024, 1:39 pm

If it’s important enough to you and you don’t think your husband would actively sabatoge it, it’s a goal I think you should work towards even if he isn’t fully on board.

Your role now is to be a Jewish mother for your children, everything else is secondary. You’ll have to make financial sacrifices but that’s ok.

Unless you’re totally underwater financially he has no right to expect you to work. You have a lot of little kids and this is your job right now.

As an aside, does he contribute to housework/childcare fairly since you’re working?

Eta: just reread your post and I see that your husband is not helpful. Just quit. He doesn’t have to be happy about it. You’re unhappy now, he’s allowed to be unhappy too. You stopping to work does not equal you disregarding a fundamental responsibility you have to your family. His fundamental responsibility is to earn the money and yours is to raise your kids.

amother

Anemone

Sun, Aug 18 2024, 2:06 pm

I really relate to your post, OP. I am fortunate that my DH is extremely helpful, but he has been looking for a job for a while and the job market is difficult (meaning a job that would actually pay the bills, including enough for us to get off Medicaid AND actually be able to afford healthcare costs). I’m so burned out but I feel like I don’t have an option not to work right now.

amother

Babyblue

Sun, Aug 18 2024, 2:39 pm

amother Linen wrote:

Moms belong home if you want emotionally healthy children. Period. It’s not an opinion it’s a fact. Common sense.

You realize that most women have to work these days to pay the bills, right? Even with two incomes most families are struggling financially. Are you saying everyone’s kids will come out emotionally unhealthy?

My husband’s mother worked full time. They had a nanny. My husband and his siblings in law are very emotionally healthy people. More so than most people I come across.

My mother was a stay at home mom and was too focused on us kids. She wasn’t a great parent at all. We found her overbearing. My siblings and I all have emotional health issues we struggle with.

Blanket statements like these are so silly.

amother

↑ Begonia ↓

Sun, Aug 18 2024, 2:42 pm

amother Babyblue wrote:

You’re 100% right that blanket statements like that are silly.

However, I just want to point out that having a nanny is very very different, developmentally speaking, than sending babies out to a babysitter.

amother

↑ OP

Sun, Aug 18 2024, 2:55 pm

Yeah I want to reply to two arguments here. I agree that it’s not financially doable long term. Like I said I have kids very close together and very young so I’m thinking that it might actually be better financially to not pay for childcare for multiple babies/toddlers. It would definitely be better for my mental and physical health anyway. I know I’d have to go back to work but I want to get to the point where my babies are at least in prek before then.

(I’m a morah if that makes a difference)

The other argument is about the child’s emotional health. I think kids can be emotionally healthy with two working parents but it depends on the situation. If the mom is burnt out (which I find happens to me every single time) from taking care of other people’s kids than she’s probably not doing great with her own. I chose to be a morah because I thought it would be a good career that I could devote time to my kids and now I have all this training but am finding that it was a huge mistake.anyway in my case I’m finding some of my kids (not all but some of the more sensitive ones) have definitely suffered .that said my husband doesn’t make much
Money.

It’s a balagan

😭😭

amother

Violet

Sun, Aug 18 2024, 2:59 pm

I'm with you op! I became a sahm when my oldest was 6 (4 kids) my only regret is that I didn't do it sooner . I feel like those years were robbed from me. There is nothing as satisfying as giving your all to your kids!!! We are very poor though... But tbh after paying babysitting and daycare I didn't come home with that much so we were poor back than as well. I felt like I was trying to raise a family while being a schoolgirl - mandatory attendance in the office every day 9-3. U slacked cuz kid sick, morning sickness , dentist appt, school play etc etc you need to answer to a boss. It makes no sense. My husbands super resentful that I don't work. He says all other ladies manage to work and still be great wives and mothers At wits end

I just ignore these jabs because at the end of the day I'm my own person and I carry and give birth to threse children and the least I deserve is to raise them with menuchas hanefesh. The worst when you work is you miss the best hours of the day with them. You get them at the end when they cranky and tired. I could go on and on validating how you feel. Everyone will tell you you need 2 salaries to survive but you do you

amother

↑ Begonia

Sun, Aug 18 2024, 3:02 pm

amother Violet wrote:

100% agree. OP, Things can be hard/messy when both parents are working or when you are a SAHM. Might as well choose being a SAHM while your kids are young. And honestly your husband does not have to be thrilled about it.

amother

Orange

Sun, Aug 18 2024, 3:39 pm

amother OP wrote:

I totally hear you, op.
I've done both, working with littles kids, sahm, and also wahm. They each have their advantages and disadvantages. But since you bh feel strongly that this would probably be good for both you and your children, I say GO FOR IT! You can try it short term, 1-2 years, and see how it goes. BH your job is the type that it should be easy to jump back into, even with a 10 year hiatus.

Alternatively, if finances are truly very tight, maybe it makes sense to take in one more baby/toddler as babysitting. That way you'll still be at home with your kids, but also getting paid a little. Warning- it really might not be worth the commitment.

Hatzlacha, I wish you all the best! Hashem should give you the parnassa, emotional support, and physical and mental ability to raise your children to be amazing people.

amother

Brass

Sun, Aug 18 2024, 3:42 pm

Why don’t you look at it this way- after paying babysitter and daycare, how much are you coming home with? Now, how can you make that amount from home so that you can still be with your kids and make $$. That’s what im doing
try to work toward getting skills you can do from home, a few hours a day or when your kids nap. Send the older/harder one out for 3 hours so you can work if you won’t be able to otherwise.
Get creative, it’s doable with some effort and a change of mindset

amother

Aconite

Sun, Aug 18 2024, 8:05 pm

amother OP wrote:

Most people I know who work with kids get easily burnt out and have no energy for other kids. Maybe you could work in a school office to still be in their schedule?
As to what others posted, most families need 2 incomes. Also, my mother was sahm and I found that she got bored and would end up watching TV for hours and procrastinate housework and such (I didn't always have clean clothes, etc.). It might just be her and that's definitely not everyone. I would love to be a sahm as well and I am exhausted from a full time job. However, I love my job which makes a huge difference and I also wouldn't be able to be home with my kids all day. For me to truly be a great mommy, having some separation for both child and me is healthy all around and brings excitement to my job as a mother (as exhausting as it is).
That's just my point of view:)

ora_43

Mon, Aug 19 2024, 5:10 am

ITA with the posters suggesting some kind of middle ground.

Working from home part-time could give you a lot more time with your kids, potentially without losing out much financially (since good daycare is so expensive).

Reducing your hours, if possible.

Or switching jobs, even at the same hours, might give you more energy for your kids when you're home (although be careful re: vacations; an office job can be awesome for not draining your emotional energy the way teaching does, but getting through kids' school vacations is very challenging).

Not that leaving work completely wouldn't be a valid option (even if your dh is unenthusiastic). But it sounds like it might not be so realistic for you right now.