I’m having a hard time today

amother

OP ↓

Tue, Aug 13 2024, 10:25 am

I’m sad. I’m tired. I’m confused.

I feel disjointed, my thoughts running in every direction possible.

This Tisha B’av is hitting me harder than usual. I think that’s the case for most of us. But I have so many thoughts running through my mind this morning and I wonder if anyone feels the same.

I have anxiety. I can’t keep still. I need distract my mind. I usually read light (secular) books on my phone, but I won’t do that today.

Hearing eicha and kinos fills my already battered mind with loops and cycles of terrifying scenarios. In past years, my husband told me women don’t have to listen. This year, I didn’t even ask. I put myself to sleep at 9 PM, lost for what else to do.

But it’s morning now. It’s Tisha B’av. I feel sad - that I feel sad - about being confused about feeling sad.

I scrolled online in a quest to find something that would mean something. I found this beautifully written article by Alisa Avruch on Between Carpools and it helped ease my disquiet. https://betweencarpools.com/tzipisa-leyeshua/

I can’t mourn properly, not really. Not with children at home who need every bit of me. I think men have it easier in this regard. They go to shul, they daven, they live it.

But what I can do is be the mother my children need today. I aim to be present and patient.
And this feeling of loss, of being lost, is it enough? I hope so.

amother

Lightgray

Tue, Aug 13 2024, 10:27 am

Of course this feeling of feeling lost is enough! You can just tune it into feeling that the shchinah is lost in galus as well. You are feeling the tzaar of the shchinah and pray that it finds itself together with us. Hugs

amother

Lightgreen

Tue, Aug 13 2024, 10:29 am

Yeah I can’t feel because I need to be there for my very little kids. I need every single ounce of my patience and then some. And to give them that I need to have a sort of inner peace to pull from. I don’t know how to let myself be sad with this.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, Aug 13 2024, 10:30 am

amother Lightgray wrote:

Thank you for saying this. You made me tear up.

613mitzvahgirl

Tue, Aug 13 2024, 10:33 am

You’re not alone.. I’m with you.. I can’t stop crying today- no you can all throw tomatoes at me..it’s hitting me very hard.. we are all feeling it this year.. we’ve had a crazy past few months.. it’s not easy at all.. but I keep telling myself and I’ll share it with you, the longest hour is always before dawn.. we will get though this.. HaShem wants to take us home already.. He wants to be with us.. we are His children, and a father never leaves his children, he always will. We will IYH get there..

amother

↑ OP

Tue, Aug 13 2024, 10:38 am

613mitzvahgirl wrote:

From your mouth…!