Shabbos afternoon ground rules

amother

OP ↓

Sun, Jun 16 2024, 8:06 pm

My oldest is 13 and has struggled socially for a long time, but is finally starting to put himself out there a little more, which among other things means hanging out with classmates on Shabbos afternoons, especially now that the afternoons are so long. I definitely want to encourage this since he really needs this socialization and it's good he's being included. But it's also hard because obviously once he leaves the house, I obviously cannot be in contact with him until he either comes home or shabbos ends. We've already had a few frustrating miscommunication and I want to come up with some ground rules going forward. Before anyone suggests it, yes, sometimes the other kids come here, but it's just not realistic to expect that every shabbos, nor do I want it to happen every shabbos. I'm thinking of a rule that he has to tell me where he plans to end shabbos and stick to that plan (so I know who to call/where to pick him up). I was also thinking he should give me a general itinerary. Is that too much? I'm new to this, how does the roaming-with-friends shabbos afternoon work for you?

amother

Bergamot

Sun, Jun 16 2024, 8:17 pm

I have mine give me a general list, these 3 possibilities and if you go somewhere else I need you to come back and tell me first. I also give a time they need to be home.

amother

Pearl

Sun, Jun 16 2024, 8:30 pm

amother Bergamot wrote:

I have mine give me a general list, these 3 possibilities and if you go somewhere else I need you to come back and tell me first. I also give a time they need to be home.

You can do this.

Another idea, depending on your neighborhood is that he can be on x,y,z streets (options of friends) and needs to touch base with dh at 6:15 mincha

amother

↑ OP

Sun, Jun 16 2024, 8:45 pm

Thanks. You gave me a good starting point.
We do live in a town that's pretty sprawling, so the group on this side sometimes wants to go see people on the other side (and sometimes the other side comes here). I'm ok with him staying on the other side of town until shabbos ends since it's almost 2 miles. I trust that he and his friends will go to mincha there etc. I think it's fair to decide before he leaves if he's making that walk, so at least I know not to expect him back and will need to drive over after havdalah

amother

Azure

Sun, Jun 16 2024, 8:54 pm

My only real rule at that age is that you either need to be home before shkiya, I don’t like them walking alone in the dark, or I need a phone call right after maariv so I know where you are and I don’t have to start tracking you down. If I don’t get a phone call in a reasonable time frame then they have to stay home or stick to one specific friend so I know where they are the next couple of weeks.

↑ bestme

Sun, Jun 16 2024, 8:55 pm

I will admit that the first 3/4 weeks I was terrified that everything should be ok, since I could not check on him. I just forced myself to smile and encourage him out the door since my son also had social issues. It has really worked out great and his friendships improved. I do ask questions when he comes back to check that everything is ok.