More visits to great-grandparents?

amother

OP ↓

Sun, Jun 09 2024, 2:11 am

My mom has been guilting me that I don't bring my kid to see my grandparents more often, but I think expecting more visits is unreasonable. What do you think is a normal frequency of visits to a kid's great-grandparents? (They live about 40min away.)

Iymnok

Sun, Jun 09 2024, 2:19 am

As often as you can within reason, assuming it is mutually enjoyable for everyone. Every weekend would be difficult.
How many living great grandparents do your kids have?
Are they expected to visit their grandparents often as well?
Is there school on Sunday?
What do the great grandparents want?
Do they interact with your kids, or just you?

We visited my great grandmother every shabbos afternoon.
Before she moved into that facility, we saw her maybe once a month?

amother

Ghostwhite

Sun, Jun 09 2024, 2:22 am

We try for twice a month or so. I'd love to do every week, but that takes a bit more planning. About the same distance. My grandparents don't keep kosher but provide a cold, kosher lunch for us when we visit. SAHM with a toddler

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Jun 09 2024, 2:34 am

One kid, first (currently only) greatgrandchild this side of family. BH baby has other living great-grandparents but they live out of the country.
I work M-F. GGs are not shomer Shabbos (not Jewish), don't live within walking distance anyway so Shabbos visits are out. My only free day is Sunday, but that's the visit day I have to share with everyone. (Except my mom, who visits on weekday afternoons frequently BH.)

seeker ↓

Sun, Jun 09 2024, 2:59 am

amother OP wrote:

Maybe it would help if the grandparent(s) who is the son/daughter of this great grandparent(s) would come together or meet you there so you can cover two visits in one?

How's the great grandparents' health? Any chance of them coming to you to make it easier? Or closer to you, if you have a mutual relative who lives in between? I used to think of great grandparents as old and frail, but on second thought my mother became a great grandmother at a bh young and healthy 70ish and has been able to do most of the visiting. Young parents have so much on their plates these days that it just makes more sense for everyone. And she doesn't have the burden of hosting if she's the one going out.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Jun 09 2024, 9:09 pm

Greatgrandpa can't physically take the drive. Meeting in between has worked. Have had grandma who is their child visit together, but she still wants more of her own visits... We do monthly for sure, try to twice a month. I think twice a month is reasonable, but they want weekly. I get wanting, but expecting seems unfair to me.

↑ seeker

Sun, Jun 09 2024, 9:23 pm

amother OP wrote:

Yeah sounds to me like you're doing great! Twice a month is very generous for such a long drive with other competing obligations. It's beautiful that you make it a priority and they should appreciate it.

amother

Mint

Sun, Jun 09 2024, 9:37 pm

My grandmother is an hour and a half away and we go every 2-3 months.

Some factors- do you have the time? (We have so many other obligations on Sundays, we generally go when there's a vacation or long weekend)
Is it set up for kids to visit? (baby proofed, toys etc- I don't bring kids between 9 months - 2 years with me because it's so unbaby proofed, but she has a closet full of toys and coloring stuff that my older kids love to sit and color with her and chat with her. .
Do the gg actually enjoy the visit? She went through a period when she couldn't comfortably sit in a chair and she didn't feel comfortable entertaining us from her bed so she asked us not to visit.

amother

Tuberose

Sun, Jun 09 2024, 9:41 pm

Are you young? And you mentioned that you have the only great-grandchild. Because to me it sounds a little excessive to be spending every other Sunday on a significant trip and still be guilted that's not enough. That doesn't sound like a healthy dynamic.

Some parents and grandparents put a tremendous amount of pressure to be visited. Of course you want to honor them with your presence. But you are allowed to have other obligations. As long as it's working for everyone, of course try. But you don't have to give up every Sunday to visit this relative and that relative. It's not your job to keep everyone happy. People are allowed to be insulted when you do what's best for you and your family. And your family right now is you, your husband and your kids.

I'm sure I'll get some tomatoes. That's okay. People are allowed to throw virtual tomatoes at me, and sometimes family members through tomatoes at each other. The fact that someone disagrees with my choices or tries to make me feel guilty doesn't mean I am wrong. If I don't know what's right, I can talk it through with an objective mentor. I don't have to give into the tomatoes.

my5kids

Sun, Jun 09 2024, 9:43 pm

My grandmother just passed away recently and I took my children (her great-grandchildren) to visit every 6-8 weeks. She did not live far and they now cherish the relationship they had with her. No one will regret going too often, only not enough!

amother

DarkYellow

Sun, Jun 09 2024, 11:58 pm

To be honest--how old are your grandparents?

I made the mistake of not visiting my grandmother (90) who was a 7 minute walk, often enough. (she was a tough personality and not the easiest to be around). I had grand plans to visit her with all my kids rosh hashana and she was nifteres 2 days before. I was so mad at myself for a lost opportunity.

The last living grandparent of my husband's and myself (great grandparent to my kids) is 101 years old. She has such a pleasant personality and still really with it. She unfortunately is in a nursing home 4 1/2 hours away. We try to take as many opportunities as we can to visit. We'll go off weekends from school, when we are in the area yom tov, etc. It only comes out to about 3-4 times a year. But I want to grab every moment we can. I want my kids to have amazing memories of her (my kid range from 7-21) and a real relationship with her.

That said, my parents are great grandparents too, and in their upper 70s/low 80s. The grandchildren that live not too far come for shabbasim, stam visits a few times a year so they can spend time with grandparents and their kids can spend time with their great grandparents while my parents still have the energy and stamina to host.

imaima

Mon, Jun 10 2024, 12:04 am

amother OP wrote:

They are unreasonable.
You are allowed to make your own plans too

amother

↑ OP

Mon, Jun 10 2024, 9:51 pm

Thank you so much everyone for your input! It has really helped me think this through feeling more confident.

Answering mothers' questions in no particular order:
-GGs love the visits, they truly light up when seeing the baby.
-I am relatively young (early 30s), and yes I have their only greatgrandchild, who is an infant. GGs in their 70s.
-they keep a pack-n-play and toys there for baby, baby enjoys the visit too.

I think it is just that they grew up BH with family CONSTANTLY around and together, like open door policy, and it's hard for them to not have that now. They also come from families w few children and have few children themselves who also had few children... so basically none of my few cousins is about to have kids anytime soon so my baby is like the center of their life. I do want to visit more but it's just Sunday is my one day to do all visits and most of the shopping/housework, etc.

I will also add that I would love to have my mom take baby to them herself and leave me to do chores, or drop off baby at GG and go to the store or something, but I'm a ger so they are not Jewish, and I worry they might accidentally chas vshalom feed baby non-kosher, or have something not kosher on tv or radio, not on purpose of course.