Who decides wedding date

amother

Fri, Jun 07 2024, 12:44 am

Which side gets a say if the girls side pays most of it boys side wants end of August. We want beginning of September works for us but not them plus the shul is not available for shabbos Sheva brochos the week they want

B'Syata D'Shmya ↓

Fri, Jun 07 2024, 12:49 am

So sorry you have this tug-of war.

Honestly, the girls side has the greater say. Is the boys side "not work for them" a serious thing? Like the father is scheduled for brain surgery (exaggerating here but you get my meaning).

amother

Viola

Fri, Jun 07 2024, 12:50 am

Pretty sure in litvish circles it's also the girls who decide. I've spoken to several Mom of chasan's and they said comments like "That's the date the kallahs family chose so I don't have a choice.."
Unless theres extenuating circumstances in the boys side that need to be accomodated, the girl's family chooses.

amother

Cadetblue

Fri, Jun 07 2024, 1:19 am

I don’t know what category you would put me in, but I live in Israel and I guess we’re just plain Jewish. We decided a date together. A lot of it depended on being able to find a Hall that had a date available around the time that we wanted. I think if she is not on birth control, then she hast to have more of an essay in the day. My kids were both on birth control and they got married so it was easy to work around their cycle. BH Very fortunate that we split 50-50 with both sides and we made all decisions together. But truthfully the Choson and Kallah Made a lot of the decisions as well. As long as it fit into our budget, then they got to decide what they want. And I think they picked a date that worked for them.

amother

Bone

Fri, Jun 07 2024, 1:28 am

The girls side. She wants to work with her cycle if possible to not have a chupas nida. So although the boy make give input on preferences, the girl ultimately decides.

imaima ↓

Fri, Jun 07 2024, 1:48 am

amother OP wrote:

I think girls cycle decides
I wouldn’t want to drug my daughter just to please the in-laws.

DrMom

Fri, Jun 07 2024, 2:25 am

LovesHashem wrote:

We decided together based on what worked for everyone.

This is what we did when we got married.

I can't imagine insisting on a wedding date that is inconvenient for the other side is a healthy way to start a marriage.

Bnei Berak 10 ↓

Fri, Jun 07 2024, 2:39 am

The girls side because of nidda. This has always been the most important reason.
Contact your Rabbi/mentor to see how you can solve this smoothly.
What are those "it doesn't work for us" issues? Sounds more like a convenience issue.

amother

Phlox

Fri, Jun 07 2024, 5:09 am

Both sides work together but ultimately it's the girl's side final decision. We both decide what month and it goes back and forth but the final say is the girl's side.

amother

Burlywood

Fri, Jun 07 2024, 5:52 am

Always always the girls side.
The girl does not want to discuss with her future in laws her cycle so she gives them choices of dates that work for her and then they pick from those according to what halls are available.
Ex. July 1st Hall A or B
July 2nd Hall B
July 4th Hall C

August2nd Hall B or C
August 3rd Hall A

and no in laws should get involved and tell a girl to just take BC.... that's beyond meddling

singleagain ↓

Fri, Jun 07 2024, 6:42 am

amother Burlywood wrote:

She doesn't think that giving choices a month apart would give away her cycle?

ETA. For everyone who's saying schedule around a girls cycle... Do y'all have regular cycles that don't get impacted by stress? What if you pick a date and then stress and her cycle gets thrown off... Then what?

ETA 2: my ex and I wanted to be romantic and wanted to get married August bc that was our anniversary of first date. But that was too close to the start of school (he was a teacher) and of course with Tisha b'av we had very limited dates in August. I literally just wondered why we didn't consider June or July... ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯

↑ imaima

Fri, Jun 07 2024, 7:10 am

singleagain wrote:

Well that happens.
I had a very stressful preparations and still my cycle worked out.
When something happens, you just deal with it. But why would you a priori schedule at the inconvenient time?

amother

Oxfordblue

Fri, Jun 07 2024, 7:22 am

We didn't have much choice. We got married the Sunday after DH took his bar exam and the week before I started graduate school. It was the only week DH and I could both be available without stress, and it was summer so there were no school schedules to work around for siblings. I started on bc once I knew the date so I could control my cycle. [I was going to go on bc anyways for shana rishona so I started a few months early.]

↑ singleagain ↓

Fri, Jun 07 2024, 7:23 am

imaima wrote:

Well that happens.
I had a very stressful preparations and still my cycle worked out.
When something happens, you just deal with it. But why would you a priori schedule at the inconvenient time?

I guess the question is what is more inconvenient? Chuppas niddah (for which there is medication to help avoid.. So a potential solution) or something like ... The start of school and chag or the Superbowl...

I mean.. Everyone's got to decide for themselves between the couple.

I took bc so it wasn't an issue to me.. But imagine if I hadn't and I would be insisting we needed to get married September whatever, but he wanted to get married before the start school with limited availability in August, and I was just like "nope that date doesn't work for me" without really explaining or whatever... That doesn't seem like a healthy way to start a marriage.