Ds1 is too domineering!!

miriamnechama

Thu, Aug 14 2008, 6:19 am

I've been wanting to write this for saome time but didn't get the chance.

I feel at a loos of my self with my 9 year old ds1.

over the past few years she's become soo domineering, so controlllong and so commanding.. thst happende sometime that ds2 started cheder and has gotton worse.

they can't even play nicely together all I get is fights and fist fights.

ds1 looks down on ds2 all the time saying I'm better than yoiu, I can learn and you can't do nothing, it makes ds2 feel very bad and then when I want to do kriah with him I can cus he says I can't I don't know how to read. he's going on 1st grade and I'm very worried.

then ds1 also has somethingvery aloof about him, ie when dh wants to learn with ds2 he has to but in and say taht he knows better.

during play all I get is fis fight, ds1 doesn't stop hitting ds2 on teh back, and then sais things like you have an aveira, you have no chelek in olam haba etc. ( I really have no idea where he got that from.. I don't remember taht from my days)

he also doesn't stop banging ds2 from teh day he was borm on his head, and it drives me insane....

I'm concerned taht he's like that in cheder but it don't know....

he also refuses to respect other people's wishes.. 2 nights ago I was babysitting for e1234 while she went into the hospital and I caught him in the girls room where the 2 younger girls were sleeping, I told him to get out of there, I really didn't want teh other being woken, then he says why should I respect my brother's wishes for what ever it was. then he and e1234's son wanted to go into the other room and her daugter said no, so I said no you can't go into her room you need to respect that.. and he go so annoyed yelled at me and said I have no where to be why should I respect her...

again yseterday before o/t I said he can't disturb the session and he said he would davka disturb...

then he keeps telling be don't I dare have any more babies.....

I really don't knowif there is some connection to when ds2 was born, there are both now 9 and 5 1/2 and he was an only child till ds2 was born... also in those days there was terrible competition between ds1 and mummy which I put an end to that after ds2's birth.. so now it's them in competition...

I'm really at a loss, who knows hwt he'll be like in yeshiva,w hen he get's married?? how can I nip thisin teh bud before it gets out of controll?? if he can't respect other kids wishes now, I shudder to think how much he'll respect his wife. and time doesn't stay still..

shalhevet

Thu, Aug 14 2008, 4:59 pm

Have you tried asking his rebbe/ principal for advice? They often have a good knowledge of chinuch and also know your son.

One thing I would do is put them into separate rooms if they fight. Say something like, 'if you can't play nicely together you will each have to play separately.'

We once had a situation where one of our children was constantly putting down another one. Our rov advised us to build up the one who was suffering - by praising, encouraging them, showing them how much they had achieved, rather than putting down/ criticizing the one who was doing the putting down - this advice really proved itself.

gryp

Thu, Aug 14 2008, 8:55 pm

MiriamNechama, he sounds like he's very protective over his personal space and a bit insecure, hence all the competition.
My kids also, never minded the new baby, whichever one it was at the time, until the "new" baby was old enough to crawl over and grab their toys. Suddenly they felt threatened.
I think it might help to start up a few projects/activities/games both your sons can do together- and that it is obvious to them that they are both vital to the completion of the project. If you play it right, and do it again and again and again, it can promote a new sense of achdus between them and they will learn a new respect for each other, since they will have to rely on each other and work togetherto complete the project/activity.
It doesn't have to be anything complicated or fancy. It can be something very simple like using their mitzvos to build a "real" Beis Hamikdash in the room where they play, or an imaginary game of one of them falling off the "boat" (ie. couch Smile

) and the other one "saving" him. Or it can be some kind of artistic masterpiece they both work together on. Or just building something with Lego together, but you directing it making sure they are both equally involved, each on their own level. It can be anything really as long as you play it right. Planning a surprise for someone, ie., your husband's bday party. Being involved in a special secret always brings a feeling of togetherness. Or help them make up a little play/puppet show to perform on a Shabbos afternoon.
I don't knwo how many hours per day your older son has at home, but use them wisely. Do things with them that will make each one feel special and important, and that makes them feel they each have a secure spot in the family, and that will also encourage achdus.

Issue #2 is that he needs to learn the ability/skill of compromise. Whenever I used to go visit at (one of) my uncle's house, whenever his kids were arguing or fighting he guided them into a compromise. He would always point out and announce which child was ready to compromise on whatever they were fighting about, and the children were so proud of themselves and learned a good lesson too, that they don't need to be so stubborn over the little things. And it helped them learn to compromise on more important issues later.
I don't know if your son is ready to learn to compromise, I think that once he feels more secure about himself he'll be more ready.

I think Shalhevet's idea to talk to his Rebbi is a good one. Ask how he deals with him in school. I'll bet he has very valuable advice. (And let us know what it is, it's always great to hear good parenting advice. Wink

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