Formula feeding. Let's put it into perspective

amother

OP ↓

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 8:09 am

The post from a mom asking what to do about her milk coming in after a misscarriage at 19 weeks got me thinking. She's in pain, phyically from the milk and emotionally thinking what could've been.

I don't want to post this there as it will derail, and it would be insensitive.

I'm not good at nursing. I don't have a good supply, my babies are misreable, they don't gain weight and don't settle. BH I don't find it a problem, I give formula and all is good. I'm aware that not everyone can feed and am happy there are good formulas and am confident in my decision.

But I do see that some people would be devastated and keep trying, even when they are misreable and so are their babies.

I remember a friend had a stillborn at full term. Knowing I don't nurse she asked me what I do to stop my milk coming in as she was in tremendous pain. Only, I never had that 'problem', my milk simply never came in.

I realised then that I was actually very fortunate. I had a healthy baby but no milk, a 'problem' that was easily sorted with formula. My friend had milk...but no baby. A much much harder situ.

Ladies can we put things in perspective and not make a difficulty into a huge problem?

Thoughts anyone?

amother

Broom ↓

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 8:31 am

Just because it's not a big deal for you, and just because there are much bigger problems out there, doesn't make it no big deal for others.

Signed, a mom who has ebf easily and is now ff due to medical circumstances

cupcake123

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 8:34 am

I think it's great that you're able to see the positive. But for ppl that want to bf and can't its hard for them.

I'm a big nurser if Chas veshalom I wouldn't be able to I would be devastated.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 8:39 am

cupcake123 wrote:

I think it's great that you're able to see the positive. But for ppl that want to bf and can't its hard for them.

I'm a big nurser if Chas veshalom I wouldn't be able to I would be devastated.

I'm not against bf, not at all, if I had milk I would nurse 1000%. It's just a shame that those who can't feel bad about it. There seems to be a lot of unnecessary pressure, when a person truly doesn't have. Kind of, you're not a good mom, you're not gonna bond...

amother

↑ Broom ↓

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 8:42 am

I don't think I'm a bad mom or not bonding with me baby. But we are missing something in our relationship, and I know it. It's not the worst thing that could happen, but I'm sad about it.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 8:48 am

amother Broom wrote:

I don't think I'm a bad mom or not bonding with me baby. But we are missing something in our relationship, and I know it. It's not the worst thing that could happen, but I'm sad about it.

You see something missing or you 'know' something is missing because 'everyone' says you can't bond because you didn't nurse? Think about it.

amother

Hyssop

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 8:53 am

It’s not about good/bad.

And I don’t think it’s about bonding either.

I am one of the women who absolutely love nursing. (And one of the luckiest women who has gotten very very thin from nursing. So that is indeed an added incentive.) I loved having my babies close to me. If I were to have a baby and not be able to nurse, I would be really sad about it. I would probably feel grief and loss.

I have two sisters in law this happened to recently. Both couldn’t nurse do to medical situations. It has been really really hard on them.
I also have a sister who doesn’t nurse her babies and she doesn’t feel the loss as much. It has never worked for her, and feeding with formula is good for her family.

All their babies are very well bonded and attached to their mothers.

amother

↑ Broom ↓

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 8:55 am

amother OP wrote:

You see something missing or you 'know' something is missing because 'everyone' says you can't bond because you didn't nurse? Think about it.

I know something is missing because I ebf multiple kids and loved it. Please stop being dismissive of what truly bothers other people.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 8:56 am

amother Hyssop wrote:

It’s not about good/bad.

I am one of the women who absolutely love nursing. (And one of the luckiest women who has gotten very very thin from nursing. So that is indeed an added incentive.) I loved having my babies close to me. If I were to have a baby and not be able to nurse, I would be really sad about it. I would probably feel grief and loss.

(I have two sisters in law this happened to recently. Both couldn’t nurse do to medical situations. It has been really really hard on them.
I also have a sister who doesn’t nurse her babies and she doesn’t feel the loss as much. It has never worked for her, and feeding with formula is good for her family.)

It's a funny thing, nursing... It's hormonal and some people just don't have it. IF is also hormonal but you'd never find someone telling someone suffering from infertility 'just try harder'....

amother

↑ Fuchsia ↓

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 8:59 am

I think ops point is to keep this in perspective. I had a baby that I was nursing and got pregnant less than 2 months later. My milk supply drastically dropped and I could barely nurse. I was sad about it. Fast forward this was a very difficult pregnancy I was so sick and had to totally stop nursing I felt incredibly guilty and sad about it. Unfortunately that pregnancy ended in a 20 week loss. Trust me that put it all in perspective.
Its always ok to feel whatever you feel when you go through something difficult but its also important to keep it in perspective and count our blessings. It would be insensitive if OP had written this in response to someone saying how hard it is. But she didn't she wrote a general post which I think has an important message.

groovy1224 ↓

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 9:00 am

amother OP wrote:

It's not okay to make someome feel guilty for not breastfeeding, but it's also not okay to tell someone they can't feel bad about it if they can't but they wanted to.

I fundamentally disagree with the whole 'putting problems into perspective' mindset. It never works; people feel what they feel. There will ALWAYS be someone out there with bigger problems than you, so who are we to decide if your problem is big enough to be worthy of upset?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 9:00 am

amother Broom wrote:

I know something is missing because I ebf multiple kids and loved it. Please stop being dismissive of what truly bothers other people.

I'm sorry I don't mean to come across as dismissive. I'm just coming in from a different perspective, trying to show those who can't nurse that there is a place for giving formula and moving on without any inferiority complex.

Ema of 5 ↓

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 9:01 am

amother Broom wrote:

I don't think I'm a bad mom or not bonding with me baby. But we are missing something in our relationship, and I know it. It's not the worst thing that could happen, but I'm sad about it.

My baby was fully on bottles by the time he was 4 months, but I started him on bottles earlier than that as supplement. We bonded very nicely, and nothing is missing from our relationship. What do you see is missing?

↑ Ema of 5 ↓

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 9:03 am

amother OP wrote:

It's a funny thing, nursing... It's hormonal and some people just don't have it. IF is also hormonal but you'd never find someone telling someone suffering from infertility 'just try harder'....

Of course you do
Have you tried this or that?
Are you sure you’re doing the right thing?
Keep trying, it’ll happen at the right time.

I’m sure there are thousands more, which are even more directly saying try harder.

amother

Tiffanyblue ↓

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 9:03 am

I think OP's point is much needed.

I knew a woman who I swear kept her own children underweight because she wanted to nurse so badly. She told me, "I literally don't have milk, but I try anyway"

Please feed your baby!

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 9:04 am

groovy1224 wrote:

I get this, I really do. I'm not talking to everybody. But such a post can really help someone who is formula feeding out of necessity and feeling bad about it because society says 'no such thing as not having enough milk'.

amother

↑ Broom ↓

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 9:05 am

Ema of 5 wrote:

What's missing is bf. That's all. I'm very appreciative for formula and my baby is thriving, but I would have loved to also bf.

If I told you I used to eat dinner daily with my dh, and now he eats at work, would you understand that I miss that part of our relationship even if everything is otherwise wonderful?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 9:07 am

Ema of 5 wrote:

You're right, but the point is that people do accept that IF exists. They are not so understanding of someone who claims not to have enough milk.

amother

Olive ↓

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 9:08 am

I struggled to nurse my kids and all the good people told me mothers are meant to nurse you can make sure you have enough milk my kids were beyond skinny didn’t gain weight it was emotionally taxing on me. By one of my kids I decided I will supplement from day one well by day 8 the kid didn’t wanna look at me for food the next few I said I will give a bottle from day one no nursing. Guess what I actually didn’t get any milk in. I didn’t prop bottle I fed each bottle to my baby. Two things when I realized how mean I was to my other babies by nursing them cause it’s a must and all the reasons people tell you to make you feel guilty if you won’t nurse pained me. My babies that formula fed were much healthier and bonded beautifully.

Please remember people want to do what’s best for there kids but you need to know how to be nice and positive to others.