Only for Generous Gift-Givers, please

GramaNewYork ↓

Mon, May 19 2008, 10:58 am

If you give consistently generous gifts to friends and relatives and the one time they have an opportunity to reciprocate, they give a very insignificant gift (I don't mean "cheap" by insiginficant, I mean clearly no thought to give something either special or generous), does this hurt your feelings? Do you pretend to yourself not to care and then do something to "stuff" the feelings, like overeat, or do you really not care at all and will continue to be just as generous to those same people?

In the kitchen

Mon, May 19 2008, 11:03 am

Unfortunately I have to admit that I do care...but probably for all the wrong reasons...like if I am able to give a thoughful gift to someone and they give me something completely not thought out I might feel that they are only giving me something just for the sake of it, since I gave them something...and not becuase they care...

Oh...how I need to work on not caring Sad

I suppose there would be exceptions to this though, because I have come across some people who are just very clueless about others, and not because they don't care, just because they are not very empathetic and can't read people.

greenfire

Mon, May 19 2008, 11:04 am

in life there are givers and then there are takers ... some people are both ... deep down you are who you are and the way a person treats you might damper your spirit at times - but if you are a true giver ... then nothing can take that away ...

Last edited by greenfire on Mon, May 19 2008, 11:05 am; edited 1 time in total

flowerpower

Mon, May 19 2008, 11:05 am

If it's one time then I wouldn't care too much. I would try to give the benefit of the doubt.

Mimisinger

Mon, May 19 2008, 11:07 am

Some people are also not good at giving gifts. I used to put so much thought and effort into giving gifts that I used to drive myself crazy. I realized that the receivers did not care as much as me and so I stopped putting so much effort in. Now I put very little if any effort into even giving a gift! I have got to go find the middle ground.

Rivky

Mon, May 19 2008, 11:15 am

I would definitely put more thought into a gift that I'm giving to a person who I know will appreciate the value and thought/work that went into it. When giving a gift to someone who doesn't know the difference I don't make myself crazy bout it. And..they don't know the difference anyway!!

amother

Mon, May 19 2008, 11:22 am

I don't mind an inexpensive gift; obviously not everyone is on the same budget. What I do get worked up over are gifts that are obvious recycled gifts - things that were doug up out of a dusty closet and no thought or care was put in whatsoever. Even then, I try to tell myself that who knows what's going on the person's life that they are so busy or overwhelmed or dealing with whatever that they simply could not find the time or energy to deal with buying thoughtful gifts right now. But when it becomes a clear pattern it's harder to extend benefit of doubt, even though I suppose I still should.

Tefila

Mon, May 19 2008, 11:26 am

Quote:

Green that is soooooooooooo true Exclamation

louche

Mon, May 19 2008, 11:54 am

I'm uncomfortable with excessively generous gifts and am happier with humbler offerings. I do appreciate effort, and would really rather have a nice homemade challah or batch of cookies than an expensive specialty- shop cake. That's assuming, of course, that I like the challah or cookies. If you're not a dab hand in the kitchen, better not go for the homemade food gifts.

In any case I consider gifts to be gravy, so if a gift is generic and shows little thought, big deal (unless it's from someone very close like dh, in which case it really is a disappointment--but only a disappointment, not a tragedy). If I can use it I'll use it, if not, I'll cheerfully regift or donate to the PTA raffle or sisterhood grab bag.

For people who are close to me or always give gifts showing thought and effort, I'll return the compliment. For those whose gifts are always generic--that's what regifting's for!

A deeply thoughtful gift isn't always necessary or possible. If dd goes to a friend for shabbos, how thoughtful can I already be of her hostess, whom I don't know? a generic gift is appropriate, and if she doesn't care for it, she can regift it with my blessings. Gifts that require thought and effort are appropriate for close friends and family but otherwise not worth the effort, since you don't know whether or not the person will appreciate it or even recognize the effort that went into it.

For that matter, even among close friends and family, it's important to know whether the giftee is the sort to understand and appreciate the effort that went into selecting the gift. Not everyone does. For example, I'm not into art, am not offended by bare walls, and have no appreciation for what goes into painting a picture. Painting a picture for me, even if you put your entire heart and soul into it, would be a complete waste. I'd appreciate the effort in principle because I know making anything by hand is a lot of work, plus materials don't come cheap, but it wouldn't make my heart sing. So in that sense your effort would have been wasted.

Moral of the story is you need to know your audience and select gifts accordingly.

↑ GramaNewYork

Mon, May 19 2008, 1:25 pm

flowerpower wrote:

If it's one time then I wouldn't care too much. I would try to give the benefit of the doubt.

Ok, so if all your relatives and friends have large families and you've given $100 miniumum for every bar mitzva, graduation, wedding and new baby, and you only have one kid (a girl, so no bar mitzva) and your one kid gets, say, a junky set of cloth napkins or maybe nothing at all.... it's JUST ONE TIME... you wouldn't care? Wow! ...and would you keep on giving those hundreds of bucks to these same people? (They won't be giving you junky gifts anymore since there won't be more opportunities to give to you).

Keep in mind that just because a person only has one child, doesn't mean they're loaded...each gift to nieces, nephews and their children was a sacrifice. It's not about money. It's more that it was important to you to give them something to make them feel special, but obviously, showing YOU that you are special to them is not important.

DefyGravity

Mon, May 19 2008, 1:27 pm

Yes, I think I would care.

chocolate moose

Mon, May 19 2008, 1:56 pm

I would care but I wouldn't get depressed over it. You can only control so much in life.

shlomitsmum

Mon, May 19 2008, 3:14 pm

I would care!
I'm a giver type and really thought I would not care ....
Until.... at my wedding I got 5 gifts !!!
I felt so bummed and I'm a grown up!! LOL
Why ? only 5?

because people thought well she "looks"like she has everything and they look well off.
so there that was my experience...

I'm still generous B'H . I don't want to let other people's cheapness change
me.
I feel happy when I give , I also love getting that thank you card telling me that they are happy with the gift or money but I don't get offended If I don't get one... giving and sharing the simcha is enough for me .