House regret | Imamother

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House regret

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amother

Wed, Jun 17 2020, 4:59 am

I don't even know what I want from everyone here but I need to get this off my chest because I have no one to tell it to and maybe some one here can help me with these feelings.

I live in Brooklyn. We have family here and husbands job is local. He really didn't want to commute and so we saved up money for a house. By the time we had enough money for a down payment we had decided to move to a less desirable neighborhood to afford more house. We bought the largest house we could afford and told ourselves we would renovate it bit by bit, instead of using money to save for the downpayment we would use that money to fund renovations and improvements.
Fast forward a few years and I am really unhappy. I can't share with my husband because he worked so hard to make this happen and is always working on the house.
The configuration of the house means we can't rent part of the house without investing 100k to reconfigure the whole thing. It's hard to be on top of the housekeeping. Its an old house and we are constantly battling mice and leaks etc. We also have still not been able to do any large renovations.
I wanted a big house to have lots of guests and events but thats not happening because we live in a constant state of fixing something or exterminators.
I wish we never bought this house. Everyone is always telling me how lucky we are to own a house but they don't know what's going on behind the scenes.
Selling the house seems like the logical thing to do but a) I dont know how much we can get for it b) We would still need to live somewhere and the prices of houses have jumped 300k at least since we bought.
My husband was much more level headed going into this but I begged him to see the potential in this big house. He wanted to make me happy. I have since matured and realized the costs of renovations is way above our means and our lifestyle doesn't need or support this house.
I feel so lonely with my feelings.

PS if you're going to tell me how dumb I was or how stupid this is then better not comment I need support and gentle advice.

Ora in town

Wed, Jun 17 2020, 5:05 am

I hear you...
I suppose your husband would agree to sell, if he bought just to make you happy.
I was once on vacation in a hotel that was exactly like you describe your house: an old palace-hotel, much former glory, but worn down and too expensive to renovate...

In the end, the owner sold and decided to rent (a hotel for the seasons whe wanted to operate), and he is much more successful with this approach...

Sometimes, you can't save the former glory...

shabbatiscoming

Wed, Jun 17 2020, 5:10 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

But have you ever spoken to your husband about this issue? I mean, many men are just silent unless point blank asked their opinion on a matter. It could be possible that he also feels similar to you, but is trying his hardest, FOR YOU.

I always think that open communication is THE best way to go on these things. If you keep this inside forever you will eventually explode from this. And you really never know if your husband might share your feelings or not, unless you ask him.

ShishKabob

Wed, Jun 17 2020, 5:16 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

this! Swallow your ego and admit that you made a mistake w this. He will not respect you less. Just admit to being human and miscalculating with this. Hugs and hatzlocha!

amother

Wed, Jun 17 2020, 5:23 am

Just to clarify, Im sure if we put in enough money we could renovate it beautifully but we don't have that money and my husband is adamant not to take out loans. We just totally underestimated how much work was needed an how much these things would cost. My husband is really handy and is trying to do as much as he can himself.
Selling and buying a new house is far from simple. It took us years to find this one. We are settled in our neighborhood. We would for sure take a big loss to sell now and then to buy a different house.
I can tell my husband but it will just stress him out more because not only is he dealing with this stressful house, now his wife is not happy as well. If I had practical ideas to present that might be different but just to complain would upset him.
And no this is not about ego. I am willing to admit my mistake. I just did. I don't want to stress and hurt my husband for no reason.

Rubber Ducky

Wed, Jun 17 2020, 5:24 am

If other houses have jumped in price, your house is worth more too. The first step is speaking with your husband.

1) A real estate agent can help you figure out what your house is worth.

2) A financial advisor or accountant could help you understand your options.

3) Would you be happy in a smaller house that needs less work?

Metukah

Wed, Jun 17 2020, 5:37 am

I know you said your husband is adamant not to take out loans, but you also said that for 100 K you could reconfigure and rent out a part of the house. So, maybe he would agree to take out a loan, to do a decent renovation plus build a rental unit, on the assumption that the rental income will be used to repay the loan.

banana123

Wed, Jun 17 2020, 5:53 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

He already knows you're unhappy, do him the favor of telling him why so that together you can find a way to fix it.

amother

Wed, Jun 17 2020, 6:02 am

banana123 wrote:

He already knows you're unhappy, do him the favor of telling him why so that together you can find a way to fix it.

Why do you think he knows I'm unhappy? Ive been trying to be grateful and appreciate the many perks of owning a house and our neighborhood etc. I thank him for all his work on the house and I don't complain.

amother

Wed, Jun 17 2020, 6:13 am

Metukah wrote:

It would take us at least 10 years to recoup the costs of making a rental apartment and he adamantly refused to do so. At that point we would need to be paying for simchos and yeshivas etc and a growing family. He is a strong follower of Dave Ramsey and would only ever take on a loan for a true emergency (medical debt CV). Having a renovated house is not what he would consider an emergency.
He wants us to build up savings slowly and fix slowly. But we can't keep up so the renovations are taking a back burner to the repairs. And we're constantly playing catch up. If he felt that renovations were worthy of taking out a loan we would have done that when we bought the house and done it properly before even moving in (something we discussed at the time but he ended up "winning").

In terms of selling, in the condition this house is in maybe it would sell for $750k. A tiny house in Brooklyn starts at $750. Bringing a realtor sounds like a good idea. Will they overestimate how much we can sell for?

crust

Wed, Jun 17 2020, 6:17 am

I'm sorry OP. It doesn't feel good to realize we made a mistake but you know what?
We all miscalculate at some point in life.

This sounds very big to you right now but let me tell you this- the pain will subside if you become proactive about it.

There was a certain decision about our home that we had to make 5 years ago. We were still chewing on it when something happened that made it impossible to continue with it.

I had so many sleepless nights and so much guilt that we didn't do something sooner. I berated myself for being too thorough. Like, why didn't we just jump in then? Why did we wait?

It took a year. We tried everything in our reach to save what we could to no avail.

Then another year. The issue is still there. But I am not feeling guilty about it anymore.

I have full clarity that I was proactive I didn't just wait for things to happen miracoulasely. I know I spoke to all the right people. I know I did my best.

I know it was meant to be.

Of course, for the future you might need an outsider to give you the real figures of the renovation costs in black and white. Perhaps you are underestimating the costs now as well?

Call for estimates. Find out how much renovations will really cost.
Maybe it'll cost you 200k to do the renovations?

Maybe it even pays to take a loss than to continue putting in money in something that has no potential?

Maybe it does pay to sell it? Ask a realtor for a price quote. You must know everything in black and white.

The bottom line is that we are responsible to make real calculations but whatever happened already was meant to happen.

We think we choose our homes.

We forget that there is a Higher hand that makes us decide on one specific home in the first place.
As it says;
בית פלוני לפלוני. This includes all the agmas nefesh that comes along with it.

Hatzlacha.

banana123

Wed, Jun 17 2020, 6:22 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

If you have a good relationship, he can sense when something is bothering you, even if he can't put his finger on what it is. He probably thinks it's something he did wrong and is blaming himself...

amother

Olive

Wed, Jun 17 2020, 6:27 am

Do you work? If not maybe take a job so that you’ll have “renovation money”.

amother

Brunette

Wed, Jun 17 2020, 6:49 am

I had a lot of house regret at first but now our house became a home and really grew on me.

amother

Brown

Wed, Jun 17 2020, 7:05 am

There are companies that mice proof homes. Its a lot less than 300k. Then invite your company over, forget about renting or rent the basement in its entirety to someone willing to exchange fixing it up for a year or two rent, lower your housekeeping standards.

amother

Amber

Wed, Jun 17 2020, 7:12 am

I might also add that in theory some of the constant repairs you're doing, would stop if you renovated. So in the long run you're actually throwing away money.
Imagine a leak in the roof. Now every time it rained, it leaked in. And you would pay to repair the spoiled plaster of the ceiling. But not fix the roof because that's very expensive. Whilst if you did pay out the big money to fix the roof, you wouldn't then be paying the little money out constantly.
Small amounts add up.
Btw I'm not trying to say that you're being illogical-I'm just wondering if you present that sort of logic to your husband, maybe he might see it as worth doing some renovations.

amother

Brown

Wed, Jun 17 2020, 7:19 am

He should call in his question to dave ramsey. He gives responsible solid advice. He would tell you which repairs will cost you extra to do it the cheap way, one bit at a time than fixing it straight up. Like a roof, its foolish to do piecemeal. It will cost more in the long term.

Cheiny

Wed, Jun 17 2020, 9:17 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Do you have friends and nice neighbors? There’s nothing wrong with evolving and now realizing you’re no longer comfortable with this house. Renovations can turn into a nightmare and the repairs needed never end. Prices have actually gone done a lot lately because of the virus. I believe you should start looking around and see if you find something else. I don’t believe this house will ever get much better for you. Hatzlacha.

QueensMama

Wed, Jun 17 2020, 10:02 am

Since the house went up so quickly in value it sounds like you made a great investment! You can use the money to buy a smaller house without so much work.

Your dh might be thrilled to hear that you're okay with that.

amother

Blush

Wed, Jun 17 2020, 10:19 am

Hi! I bought a house in Brooklyn last year for 810k. Attached on one side, shared driveway. It was structurally sound but needed a new kitchen (it was older than me and held together with tape) redo floors and paint. Then we found out that we need a new boiler and a new roof (leak on a freshly painted ceiling). We also had to replace the toilet, vanity/sink and regrout shower. As well as a change a few cracked windows.

I also wanted to do some cosmetic work - take down a wall, enclose an open space, install closet system, etc.

We had a really tight budget to work with so we rolled up our sleeves and did majority of it ourselves with supplies from homedepot. We watched youtube videos and learned how to do it as we went along.

Yes, I leaned how to use a saw, hang moldings, build a structurally sound wall, hang cabinets, cut sheetrock, hang doors, plaster, fix a old leak on the ceiling, grout tile... You name it, we leaned how to do it.

What I'm saying is, if your house is livable now (even with needing work) it's probably worth more than you think. On the other hand, if you don't want to sell - roll up your sleeves and offer to help. The work happens much faster with 2 people!

It took us over a year to finish but we worked every Sunday and many nights after work.

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