what to do when teenage son secretly communicating with girl

amother ↓

Sun, Sep 30 2007, 6:22 pm

I just received a call from a mother who found out that my son and her daughter have secretly been communicating first over the internet and then by phone - how should I handle it?

HindaRochel

Sun, Sep 30 2007, 6:29 pm

Be direct with your son. Tell him what you found out. Tell him why you don't approve. Depending on how old he and she is there might not be all that much you can do. Beyond a certain age forbidding them from communicate with each other will only backfire.

↑ amother ↓

Sun, Sep 30 2007, 6:31 pm

Please contact a teen mentor, that is confidential and let him/her approach your son....you might say something wrong that will set him off, I'm talkin from a experience When I was a teen, (not too long ago) my teen mentor did wonders, to get me out of such a situation. I am bh happily married now with a child (not married to the guy I met online)

greenfire ↓

Sun, Sep 30 2007, 6:43 pm

very carefully ... you do not want him to stray further ... and at the same time you want him to be aware that you know ... and to be careful and for them to be careful too shock

- too much happens everywhere - we cannot be too naive

↑ amother ↓

Sun, Sep 30 2007, 8:17 pm

op here. He's almost 18 and she is still in high school. I already spoke to him and now he thinks she is "the one". I had this issue with him already last year when he thought the other one was "the one" too. After we talked last time obviously he stopped but a few months later he started with someone new. We discuss that this behavior is unacceptable and is only going to ruin his name for when the appropriate time comes. It lasts awhile but somehow keeps resuming. How can I get the urgency of my message across when he keeps insisting it's no big deal.

↑ amother ↓

Sun, Sep 30 2007, 8:22 pm

Forgive me, but if they break up and don't wind up together, how is this going to ruin him? When he finally marries, will the girl need to know that he has never had any contact with women?

↑ amother ↓

Sun, Sep 30 2007, 8:24 pm

EstiS wrote:

just a thought...If he really thinks she is the one then ask him if he is ready to get married.

My sibilings both married people they met when they were quite young, my brother when he was just 18. They didn't get married right away but they did know that it was meant to be.

↑ amother ↓

Sun, Sep 30 2007, 8:38 pm

I'm not sure what you should say to him but I do think it's important to make him stop.
I started talking to boys at 17 and I WISH someone would have done something about it.

Thank G-d I'm happily married but before that I went though so much unnessacary trouble and heartbreak.

Also once ppl find out in highschool they consider you more modern and it opens the paths of other "modern" ideas and situations.

I'm very certain life would have been alot differant if I had never spoken to boys in the first place.

↑ amother ↓

Sun, Sep 30 2007, 8:40 pm

First of all, he has an older brother (20) and older sister (19) so I would not encourage him to skip the line no matter how ready he thinks he is.
As for ruining his name, in our circles it is frowned upon to have not gone through the proper channels before starting a relationship.

↑ greenfire ↓

Sun, Sep 30 2007, 8:45 pm

well you can't exactly go back in time ... so what now ... (p.s. you had just better make sure he doesn't do anything STUPID!!! - stuff happens)

↑ amother ↓

Sun, Sep 30 2007, 9:47 pm

amother wrote:

Skip the line? They're not at an ice cream store, they're human beings with hearts and minds, and they're going to fall in love when they fall in love. If he's in love with "the one," do you actually expect him to drop her to wait for his older siblings to fall in love? And if he does and if he never loves that way again, what will you do for him?

Love is a precious thing. Even if this woman isn't the love of his life you can't act like he's deciding on a pair of shoes and should just wait for another pair, a few years down the road.

lamplighter

Sun, Sep 30 2007, 10:56 pm

I agree with the "are u ready to get married approach/be a father". Id say get a mentor involved, it usually helps.

what did the girls mother tell u? is she forbiddding contact? are u on the same page with this?

do u personally feel that he is old enough to make his own decisions/choices or do u want to make rules for him etc?

remember, u need to keep a good relationship going and if ur intervention is not helping, and the sitch needs helping, get outside help.

↑ Lechatchila Ariber ↓

Sun, Sep 30 2007, 11:06 pm

amother wrote:

the idea is, to make him think Wink

faigie ↓

Sun, Sep 30 2007, 11:11 pm

my sister met her bashert at 14. at least a few of my friends met and spoke to their present day dh when they were each 16 and 18.
life aint perfect. timing doesnt always happen when youd like it to.
id let this relationship run out of steam on its own. you can make this a good teaching experience by speaking to the kid and asking him WHY does he think this girl is "the one" how is she different then the last one. let him figure out concrete answers.

↑ amother ↓

Sun, Sep 30 2007, 11:21 pm

Wow! There is such a broad range of women on this site. There are reasons that we have such a low devorce rate. The shidduch process works. Talking to girls (yes even online and by phone can lead to real avairos) I grew up in Flatbush and many of my MO freinds were not shomer negiah one thing leads to another. I was frum all my life and, unfortunately, not a virgin when I married. My sister actually dated a [gentile] (a freind of a freind) while remaining frum. Thankfully we are both happily and healthily married to wonderful guys (shidduchim) but

PLEASE DO SOMETHING FOR YOUR SON! IF this is the one she'll be there when he's ready. Send him away to yeshiva??? Stay in contact w/ her mother and on the same team?????? Have lots of converstions w/ him. Have him speak to a Rav that is accepting yet firm, understanding, great w/ ppl. and able to understand the sittuation.

May we hear good news!!
My heart goes out to you!

↑ Lechatchila Ariber

Sun, Sep 30 2007, 11:24 pm

for those of you who keep pointing out that they know people who married people they met when they were 16 - 18 and its not so terrible,
why do we have segregation in most orthodox communities in that case?

are you taking into consideration the aveiros that can occur, up untill the time they get married, lets say their early 20s?

unless you are talking about couples who get married at the age of 16 - 18.

↑ faigie ↓

Sun, Sep 30 2007, 11:40 pm

esti, if the world was perfect, wed all meet and have our perfect shiduchim at the perfect time.
life is however , messy.
kids meet when they meet, and then we have to deal with it.
its actually not always a bad thing. it is however, always messy. if you forbid this friendship, then youre gonna make a romeo- juliet problem. so I figure, take what youve got and work with it.