Seperate YK | Imamother

baba ↓

Sun, Sep 09 2007, 4:59 am

My husband daven's in his yeshive, which we live quite close to. But for me, it's a problem to get there on YK. It is all very up hill and it's extremely hot where I live, plus I'll be pushing a carriage. I always bring lots of water when I have to walk there, there's no other way. And if I do manage to get there, I'm kinda stuck there, which isnt so great with a baby. Now I'm thinking of going to my midrasha to daven. I have a close friend who lives nearby and we (me and my dd) can stay there. Plus alot of my friends will be there, so they'll be enough people to help me if I need it. Do you think it's weird to split up on YK? Some people think I'm crazy to even consider, but others say I'm right. It is the one day of the year where you're most seperate from each other anyway. O, and my husband doesnt mind at all, he thinks I should go.

shabbatiscoming

Sun, Sep 09 2007, 5:01 am

I think that yom tov is a day that should be spent TOGETHER, families should be together for the chagim. thats how I grew up but I also guess that each person and couple is different.

suomynona

Sun, Sep 09 2007, 5:20 am

I don't think it's weird at all. It makes a lot of sense that you should go separate ways.
How much time would you get to spend together on yom kippur anyway?

Maya

Sun, Sep 09 2007, 5:33 am

Normally, I would say that couples stay together, but Suom is right; YK is not a day when a couple can be together much anyway. Either both of you are in shul, or at least him.

Last year, I wasn't feeling well the day before YK and I went to my mother's house for YK. My husband slept home, which made me feel a bit lonely, but for that one day, we managed. He came to see me during the day.

I know that my mother-in-law always used to stay herself on YK while my f-I-l went to a different city to his rebbe.

greenfire

Sun, Sep 09 2007, 6:05 am

I too think families should stick together ... but circumstances as you describe and on yom kippur where fasting and shul are the main stitch ... does it really matter ... don't think so ...

miriamnechama

Sun, Sep 09 2007, 6:49 am

Sorry ladies dh is flying tonight to uman, has done it for the past 10 years of our marriage and this is how we do it, I'm alone for rh but he's back yk but how much d I see him. he's in shul most time so what do I care!! I just make sure I have plenty reading materialwith me. and for me I'm not so bothered about being alone for 3 days I'm used to it......

it's like shavuos, we go to inlaws and dh goes t the kosel, so the whole next day he is in bed asleep and I have to fend for my self and kids, sometime I wish he would go to uman then as well jsut so I don't have to be by in laws but at home where I can deal with the kids more easilly and not keep them quiet while everyone else sleeps!!

mimivan

Sun, Sep 09 2007, 6:59 am

Just a question...
I think this thread was started with the best of intentions, but I hope that OP realizes that it is the dafka the minhag of many groups of Chassidim that the men go and spend at least part of the chagim iwith their Rebbe or at the Uman. Therefore, I hope this wasn't an attempt to evaluate others' minhagim which I think is being too often on this site and is something I think we should be more careful about.

Just my friendly 2 cents.

DH sometimes goes to 770 for Succos. And if we could afford it, we would all go, but since we can't that is the reality.

I manage just fine b'h...and if my son is disappointed, it just helps him look forward for when he is big enough to go with dh. (in a few years iy'h) and will make it even more special.

Esther23

Sun, Sep 09 2007, 8:22 am

I think it's a very normal thing for you to daven where you have help, of course everyone would prefer to be with their dh but on yk since the main focus of the day is davening it would certainly make sense to go somewhere where it would be easier for you. I very often go with my mother and sister to daven on YK and not with my husband bec. my sister helps me out with my children so I can daven. At my husband's shul I wouldn't have help in the women's section and probably wouldn't be able to stay there too long.

chochma73

Sun, Sep 09 2007, 12:49 pm

my DH and I strongly believe in spending yomim tovim together and with family but YK is the exception. For a few years I spent YK by my mother with the kids and DH stayed home. I don't see him all day anyway except for the little break in the afternoon so he came to my moms house then the rest of the time he is anyways in shul. I only stopped going to mom bec. was too much with all my kids K"AH so I stay home now but on this one day when you can not be together in any way it makes sense for him to go where he davens best and you where it is most comfortable for you.

lamplighter

Sun, Sep 09 2007, 6:01 pm

My DH went away last year, Dunno about this year. We have no kids yet and I can easily stay at my mother's so I feel like , why not let him have an uplifting, meaningful experiance, why shoudl I get in the way.

amother

Sun, Sep 09 2007, 8:20 pm

When we had 1 or 2 kids I went to dh yeshiva with him. They even hired the babysitters. Then it got too much for us, so he went alone.He even took 1 son when he got old enough to go. I feel bad that he doesn't go back to yeshiva anymore for davening. Maybe I should ask if he wants to again. He is in shul the whole day anyway. He helped find a babysitter for me so I could go too.

Motek ↓

Mon, Sep 10 2007, 3:51 pm

baba wrote:

Do you think it's weird to split up on YK? Some people think I'm crazy to even consider

Why crazy? I don't get it. What's their reasoning?

luckyme

Mon, Sep 10 2007, 4:05 pm

No eiruv here, so I'll be at home with baby. Everyone else will be at shul together, including kids -they hired babysitters.
Splitting up on YK is a pretty normal thing around here, even without it being Shabbos...
For other chagim- definitely together!

↑ baba

Mon, Sep 10 2007, 4:19 pm

Thanks everyone, your comments were quite helpful. I guess I'm just going to go, it makes the most sense and YK truly isnt a family day.

Motek, maybe I wasnt clear, but I didnt mean seperate davening. Where I'll be staying is about a 40 min drive from where I live and for sure not walkable, so we'll really be seperate and in my community that isnt really done.

Mimivan, I do know of the chasidic minhag, but I honestly was not thinking about it at all, when I posted this. Like I said before, in my community it isnt usual, so I was getting some weird remarks when I mentioned my plans and so I just wanted to know what people here thought, that's it.

Pickle Lady

Mon, Sep 10 2007, 8:57 pm

Yom kippur for me is a day that I have a few things that are the most important.

1. The best situation for me to have an easy fast like available help.

2. My husband has a place to daven and I have a place for yizkor.

3. My kids are easily occupied and happy all day.

If the above are all met and that means my husband and I are apart... so be it.