The pre-wedding shopping spree?

lamplighter ↓

Thu, Jul 28 2011, 12:02 am

I have a lot of contact with kallahs and this one thing is just hard to wrap my head around. I understand buying furniture, linens, household items etc before you get married. I hope everyone buys what they can afford and I have no issue with this kind of shopping. But what's with all the clothes shopping? Sheva Brochos outfits, I can understand, if money is not an issue then 7 new shabbos outfits is a nice thing. The clothing that these kallahs are buying are regular weekday and shabbos clothing and lots of it. Many will give the reason as "my parents are sponsoring it now so I might as well, but why are they sponsoring? It seems wasteful to me. For how much longer after their wedding will they wear these clothes? Don't we pray that they will soon conceive and not fit into them any longer? A married person's lifestyle and clothing choices are often different to what you bought or wanted as a kallah. Listen, I also love to shop and buy clothes but a shopping spree at this stage is odd- anyone agree with me? Or think that this makes sense? Should I say something to these kallahs? Maybe it's a community thing and I missed the boat?

zaq ↓

Thu, Jul 28 2011, 12:26 am

A **huge** spree may not make sense, but doesn't a kallah want to look nice for her new husband? Years ago I'd have said a new bride wants to dress differently to suit her new dignity as a married woman--goodbye schoolgirl pleated skirts, hello sophistication. But today, maybe not. The young marrieds around here look exactly like the singles--especially with all the shoulder-length-and-longer sheitlach and band falls.

anyway, every bride assumes she'll be able to wear her bride clothes after the baby. Some are lucky enough to be right.

dr.wigs

Thu, Jul 28 2011, 2:03 am

I just got married two months ago and only bought three sheva brachot outfits and new white underwear. But I remember really wanting new clothing. Its like he has seen you in your other stuff and your a new fresh wife so you want to feel like a new fresh wife. And everyone has a glow about them when they wear something new. But hopefully your new husband will give you that glow and you wont need clothing to get it!!

imaima

Thu, Jul 28 2011, 7:52 am

I think it makes sense to go shopping for new clothes, but if your parent goes along and guides you. Like, After getting married I am not as tempted to buy hoodies and other teenage/girly things, especially after I had kids. Many things I see in stores are just not for me. I think it makes sense to go and buy more mature and sophisticated stuff, not another dozen of Mickey Mouse t-shirts..

↑ lamplighter ↓

Thu, Jul 28 2011, 10:42 am

These girls have been in the working world for at least a year or 2. They wear nice clothes on a daily basis. I also bought nightgowns and bras and various colored underwear before I got married but why all these clothes?
I asked one kallah yesterday how the preps were going and she said that most of the big things were finished but they still have to go to more stores- I asked her for what and she said "clothes, I mean I bought some but it's totally not enough, I think I'll go to a different part of the city next week, see if anything new comes in".
I know many many people do this- why?

mummiedearest

Thu, Jul 28 2011, 1:08 pm

I did buy a few new things other than undergarments and nightwear. it made sense for me mainly because I always shared clothing with my mother, and I wouldn't have her closet attached to my apartment. you really do want to have enough clothing. even if you fall pregnant right away, a first pregnancy doesn't start to show until a few months in. I didn't start to show until my 6th month, I think. and if you suddenly find you are lacking in the clothing department after marriage, you don't want to scare your husband with a large credit card bill. clothing is a necessity, just like linens and towels. you don't have to buy a ton of things, but you need to make sure you have enough. I was the type to shop for an outfit for dating the day before the date. and I often wore my mother's sweaters on dates, they were really nice. I probably wore shared clothes every other day, including many shabbos outfits.

↑ zaq ↓

Thu, Jul 28 2011, 1:11 pm

I can't help wondering why you're so incensed. Clearly, you have different values, as is your right. But so long as these kallahs or their parents are not asking for tzedakah and are not defaulting on financial responsibilties in order to feed their shopping frenzy, then, to be blunt, it's none of your business.

You can always find something to criticize: why do they have to choose designer gowns costing as much as a small car, why do they have to have videography when still photography is good enough, why shell out a fortune for a five-course meal and a six-piece orchestra when they could have three courses and a four-piece band, why do they have to buy three or four fully custom sheitlach when they could do just fine with two semi-custom, who says they have to be given a fully furnished house, let them buy it themselves over time...

Every person has the right to choose his or her own priorities. You might prefer to have rachmones on your parents' pocketbook, or spend more on furniture and less on clothes, or spend less altogether and invest the cash instead--but that's your decision. If a kallah prefers a whole new wardrobe instead of some nice blue-chip stocks or college tuition, well, you may not see the wisdom in this, but it's the kallah's right to make her own mistakes. For all you know, the kallah may be entering a social circle that demands a whole new wardrobe. Her chosson may demand it. (Loves the girl, hates her clothes.) Or she may be an immature, spoiled, self-centered Bridezilla out to grab everything she can as long as Mom and Dad's purse strings are open. Either way, it's not your business unless the kallah is your dd and you're footing the bill.

MaBelleVie ↓

Thu, Jul 28 2011, 1:14 pm

My mother was happy to sponsor some new clothing for me. She understood that money would be tight at first (I married someone who is in kollel). Three years later (including pre- and post-pregnancy), I'm still wearing almost all of that clothing. I haven't bought much during that time, besides things that my dh really liked, to replace some thing he really doesn't Wink

I agree that it should not be expected, and parents should not be pressured to sponsor it. But if they can, I do think it's useful. Pregnancy didn't turn me into a different person forever, you can't revolve your life around pregnancy assumptions.

chatz

Thu, Jul 28 2011, 1:21 pm

On one hand, it makes sense because once a person gets married, money isn't as free flowing. Assuming a single girl is living at home, she isn't paying rent - a huge chunk of one's income. Once she gets married, expenses add up.

I'm BH married for 3 years. In these 3 years, I've barely clothes shopped - just undergarments, slippers, and some maternity. (I share maternity stuff with siblings.) My tastes haven't really changed since I've gotten married. Now, after 3 years, I need more stuff (shoes are falling apart, clothes are getting ratty, moved up a size, etc), but davka now money is much tighter. (for good things, BH).

On the other hand, if someone is a compulsive clothes shopper, they aren't stopping after marriage Confused

↑ lamplighter

Thu, Jul 28 2011, 4:54 pm

I am not incensed. I feel that it's wasteful. I began my post saying that I have contact with kallahs- meaning they discuss things with me and I guide them through this period of time. Is it my business? No, I am not footing the bill, but if it's not practical or wasteful, I would feel obligated to bring that side of the coin to the table.
If a girl doesn't have enough unshared clothes (I only noticed how much of my wardrobe was joint with my sisters after I got married Smile

) or only denim skirts and sweatshirts, I understand. I also understand that once a girl gets married, clothes is a large expense that she may want to avoid in the beginning. But why can't she wear the same clothes she wore the past 6 months or whatever till she needs to buy more, weight gain or loss or pregnancy.
If this is just a community pressure kind of thing, well everyone goes out and buys a new wardrobe etc, then I would want to talk about that with them as well.

And to whomever talked about not becoming pregnant right away- trust me I know. 7 years of IF under my belt. But that is not the norm and 3 years later styles change and the girls will probably want a wardrobe change by then anyway.

↑ MaBelleVie

Thu, Jul 28 2011, 5:24 pm

I don't think it's community pressure. I never spoke to anyone about this. I do think it makes sense, so people who can, do it. Unless you wear only super trendy clothing, it can last awhile. And as you know, it's silly to plan your life around your fertility and weight. You can wear what you've been wearing until that point, if it in good condition and it is enough. Like you, I shared a lot with my sister, and not everything was in any condition to last another few years.

↑ zaq

Thu, Jul 28 2011, 11:22 pm

lamplighter, if you're a kallah teacher or Shalom taskforce prenup counselor, don't be coy, just say so. it won't "out" you and may make it clearer why you even care. Whatever you are, if a kallah asks your opinion about buying new clothes, go ahead and give it, but make it clear that this is your personal opinion. you're entitled to have it, and the kallahs are entitled to reject it if they wish. For all you know, the parents or inlaws may be encouraging or insisting the girls get new wardrobes.

If the girls are buying just because the parents are willing to spend, you'd be right to point out to them that this is taking unfair advantage of their parents' generosity. Not to put too fine a point on it, they're acting like pigs. If they're not being swinish but are loading up on very trendy stuff that will be out of date in 6 months, you could certainly suggest that it would be wiser and better use of resources to select more classic styles that will be wearable indefinitely.

But if you're objecting to their buying a lot of clothes just because you happen to think that X number of outfits is more than enough for any woman, then you're out of line and need to back off.

I had a friend who made aliyah about a year after her wedding. Knowing she wouldn't be able to buy clothes for a long time, and clothes in EY being more expensive, she stocked up on hose to headgear. and everything in between. I'm talking near-wholesale quantities--bras by the dozen, shirts by the box, hose by the gross. favoring conservative, simple clothes, she bought timeless classics like penny loafers, V-neck sweaters, jewel-neck shells and A'line skirts. Ten years later she still had some brand-new stuff in stock and had had to go shopping only for maternity and special-occasion wear. Her pre-aliyah shopping "spree" was no wild self-indulgence but a well-considered, wise investment.

Why shouldn't parents give their dd a lavish shopping spree as a wedding gift if they wish and can afford it? How is it any different from spending money on a lavish wedding?