Sensitivity to family situations

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Forum -> Working Women -> Teachers' Room

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amother ↓

Wed, Mar 09 2011, 11:58 am

I have a SIL in high school and she called me up yesterday to vent about a very disturbing run-in she had with one of her teachers yesterday. She also added in a bunch of smaller, related issues that have been building up over the years.

Basically, she didn't do her homework for this class (happens occasionally, even for top students such as my SIL) and the teacher remarked, in front of the class, that "aren't you a little old to need your mother to keep you on top of assignments?" Well, SIL was feeling cheeky AND the teacher had hit upon a sore point, so she actually answered back "actually, my mother hasn't done anything for me in 10 years because she's been dead." Ouch, for both teacher and student. SIL then went on to describe that there are always little things- why didn't you come to that mother-daughter Rosh Chodesh event? or that genetics project involving asking both parents various question, or the history project asking the same- assumptions that everyone has a mother to come to the event, that everyone has 2 parents to ask. She's been bothered by this for a while, but it really exploded yesterday, especially with the teacher saying something that I believe was inappropriate even to a kid who DOES have a mother at home.

Anyway, I teach in public school, and this kind of thing would NEVER happen because we are told to be extra careful and never to assume anyone is in a traditional family situation. I have worked in frum schools too, and unfortunately I've found this sensitivity is lacking. Granted, you probably won't have a Heather With Two Mommies in your class, but frum people DO die, get divorced, marry more than once, foster, adopt, and live with people who are not their parents. Please try to be aware that not everyone in your class will have 2 parents living with them or even 1; please try to be aware that some of your students may be in a non-traditional family arrangement, and if possible, try to find out ahead of time who in your class is dealing with these issues. I'm not saying you should never say the word 'parent' or never make any reference to the normal course of things, or never have events involving kids and parents together, just think twice about how you phrase things or make projects or plan these events. Please be sensitive, especially when dealing with individual students, because you just never know.

Isramom8 ↓

Wed, Mar 09 2011, 12:38 pm

My hs principal Dr. Rivkah Blau always said things like "you can invite your mother to the melave malka, or another woman who is important in your life". Just in case.

When doing a family tree project or something of that nature, teachers should be open to all kinds of possiblities, and give various options.

Ruchel ↓

Wed, Mar 09 2011, 12:41 pm

I wish this sensitivity was shown in schools here!

When I was in high school, we had a (Jewish, atheist) teacher who kept preaching against the breakdown of society, parents not married or divorced without a good reason, etc. Well, there were many kids whose parents were divorced or had been divorced, and even one whose parents were together without a marriage. It was probably horrible for them.

PinkFridge

Wed, Mar 09 2011, 12:59 pm

They renamed our mother-daughter dinner some time ago.
I'm surprised that the teacher wouldn't be apprised of details like this, that are public knowledge yet, before school starts.

saw50st8

Wed, Mar 09 2011, 1:04 pm

My high school was pretty good at this. We had father-daughter learn ins and plenty of fathers or rebbeim "adopted" another student who was fatherless for the night.

I lost my father at a young age and it always bothered me that we learnt the mah nishtana in yiddish and started off with "Tateh leben ich vil de freigen de feir kashes?" (apologies for butchering the yiddish LOL)

Unless someone is touched by a non-traditional household in some way, its rarely on the forefront of their mind.

↑ Ruchel ↓

Wed, Mar 09 2011, 1:06 pm

I keep thinking, when I read about mother-daughter or father-son dinners or learnings, that here no one would attend LOL

wereafamily

Wed, Mar 09 2011, 1:40 pm

Well, "high school never ends...." Music

intrigued

Wed, Mar 09 2011, 1:48 pm

I'm surprised as one of the "perks" of being in a Frum community everyone knows everyone's business. I don't think such a thing could have happened in any schools I have attended or worked in.

Also we as Jews are usually more sensitive to that and would let the teachers know. I know we were always sensitive to others. If someone was an Avel the school would make sure not to have music in a program etc. Is this a very big school? Not an excuse but just wondering.

↑ amother ↓

Wed, Mar 09 2011, 2:01 pm

amother wrote:

Basically, she didn't do her homework for this class (happens occasionally, even for top students such as my SIL) and the teacher remarked, in front of the class, that "aren't you a little old to need your mother to keep you on top of assignments?" Well, SIL was feeling cheeky AND the teacher had hit upon a sore point, so she actually answered back "actually, my mother hasn't done anything for me in 10 years because she's been dead." Ouch, for both teacher and student. SIL then went on to describe that there are always little things- why didn't you come to that mother-daughter Rosh Chodesh event? or that genetics project involving asking both parents various question, or the history project asking the same- assumptions that everyone has a mother to come to the event, that everyone has 2 parents to ask. She's been bothered by this for a while, but it really exploded yesterday, especially with the teacher saying something that I believe was inappropriate even to a kid who DOES have a mother at home.

I think the teacher deserved this because what she said was degrading to anyone.

I think that even if a family has two traditional parents, saying something like this can behurtful. My mother never helped me with homework, even in first grade. She just wasn't there for us.

NotSoNewKallah

Wed, Mar 09 2011, 2:14 pm

I work in a public school and unfortunately this has happened there too. Not too common, but its happened.

↑ amother ↓

Wed, Mar 09 2011, 2:24 pm

OP here.

I am also surprised that apparently so few of her teachers know her mother passed away. Generally, SOMEONE tells teachers ahead of time if a parent is not present. She does go to a large high school, and my MIL passed away a long time ago, when my SIL was in elementary school, so it's not like anyone would have remembered hearing about it or seeing her in aveilus. Also, my FIL doesn't go to parent teacher conferences b/c he thinks they're a waste of time and won't tell him anything he doesn't already know (namely that she's a good kid who brings home top grades). In any event, it's still important to have in mind that kids are sometimes in unusual circumstances- and that you don't always know what's going on at home.

BTW, amother above me- I agree that the statement the teacher made was completely inappropriate on its face, even for a kid with 2 parents. I'm just pointing out that not only did she handle the situation badly AND embarrass the kid in front of the class, she also ended up unexpectedly hitting someone on a very sore point and should have thought of that possibility beforehand. FTR, my SIL did not get in trouble for talking back; seems the teacher was veritably shocked by her response, and probably won't be making that mistake again.

Raisin ↓

Wed, Mar 09 2011, 2:33 pm

I think that sort of thing would only happen in a very large school. Bh losing a parent nowadays is rare enough for it to be commented on.

↑ amother ↓

Wed, Mar 09 2011, 2:35 pm

for your sil, I am glad she was feeling cheeky. And I do agree that teacher won't forget the lesson learned.

↑ Ruchel

Wed, Mar 09 2011, 2:45 pm

The SIL was right to speak up, but chutzpa to a teacher isn't the way. I don't think a teacher is expected to know, unless she is told.

↑ Isramom8

Wed, Mar 09 2011, 2:51 pm

Tateh leben also refers to Hashem, and had a teacher mentioned that even without knowing that a child lacked a father, it might have comforted the child.

I worked in a seminary where the menahelet went through every girl's name at a staff meeting before school started, and mentioned pertinent info, such as divorced parents.

MuppetLover

Wed, Mar 09 2011, 5:25 pm

Good for your SIL. Well I am usually againsty chutzpah, how did the teacher NOT know that your SIL was a yosem?

And I would like to add, this is a lesson for us all that if we know of a child in our communities who is living with one parent/caretaker, us or our DH should make an effort to include them (ex: Mother-Daughter tea, girl doesnt have a mother, you tell that girl, Im gonna take you and cheer you on also!) Father-son learning? Boy in community doesnt have a father, get DH to take that boy and learn with him and let your DH take nachas int hat boys learning..You never know what an impact you can have on someone elses life just by smiling and being a little helpful!!!! (not PUSHY, but helpful...know boundaries!)

Raizle ↓

Wed, Mar 09 2011, 6:05 pm

I just want to point out that although I agree that the teacher should never have made the comment regardless of the child having one or 2 parents, teachers ARE humans and DO make mistakes.

I think we have to be more forgiving of the occasional slip up that these human beings make.
If the same teacher is repeatedly tactless or rude then the issue needs to be addressed but for a person to make the odd tactical mistake...we've all been there, haven't we?

However, definitely someone needs to speak to the hanholo about the situation especially if it appears so few teachers are aware of her situation.
They teachers as a whole need to be spoken to about these possibilities and reminded from time to time.

↑ Raizle ↓

Wed, Mar 09 2011, 6:07 pm

by the way, did I use the word tactical correctly?
something tells me I didn't

↑ Raisin ↓

Wed, Mar 09 2011, 6:15 pm

It's not really your sils fault but I do think in this situation (in any situation) your fil should be going to the parent teacher meetings. Chinuch is a partnership between parent and teacher, even if your sil is a perfect student there is no reason not to connect.

↑ Raizle ↓

Wed, Mar 09 2011, 6:22 pm

I agree with Raisin about the PTA

Even with a kid that's always good occasionaly something comes up that needs to be discussed and if the parent is not in touch with the teacher then that is a problem.
something could be going on that's hurting the child and the parent won't know.

In such a case the teacher should still contact the parent, yet nonetheless the parent MUST do his dues as a father and keep contact with his child's mechanchim.

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