How to relate to children without arousing jealousy bw them

soonamommy

Sun, Jul 23 2006, 9:03 pm

This is something I'd really like your thoughts on. My parents are wonderful people and I am working on incorporating a lot of their parenting skills into my own home, with Hashem's help. One thing that I did not appreciate about their parenting techniques, though, is that they did things for one child without thinking about how it would affect the other children in the family. This caused (still does, actually) a lot of jealousy and friction between us children, and I'm asking your opinion as to how to avoid this.

As an example, my parents will not think twice about putting one child through college at their own expense (money which they borrowed), while expecting another child to pay his/her way through it. Agreed, the circumstances were different (they could no longer borrow money for the second child since they were still paying off the debt for the first), but still the second child feels jipped (sp?) and that their parents are being unfair. Is it naive to believe that "if you do for one you should do for them all?" Is there a way to give to one child without making the other children feel like they should have gotten the same?

hisorerus

Mon, Jul 24 2006, 12:35 am

You can start with small things, teaching that life is not equal or "fair." In Yiddishkeit, we know that Hashem gives each of us what we can handle, and therefore different things are expected from each of us.

It's also good to model being genuinely happy for someone else's good fortune. This can avoid the whole jealousy issue altogether.

BeershevaBubby

Mon, Jul 24 2006, 3:48 am

Circumstances change and what parents could do for one child, years later they won't be able to do for another. Such is life. And you can either be bitter about it, or accept that sometimes... life just isn't fair.

I am the oldest child and the oldest grandchild. Which meant that I got the more special birthday gifts, the more expensive wedding present from my grandparents. I really don't think my siblings or cousins harbored any resentment because of that and I would hope that they would have been raised better to allow such selfishness to affect our relationship.

The most important thing in any relationship is communication and I think discussing things and talking to your kids is very important. If child 1 gets a special birthday present and unfortunately for child 2 you can't afford an equally special present, you have to discuss it with child 2...