Sil didn't compliment even once!

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 4:26 pm

amother Garnet wrote:

What I would suggest is don't give up on hosting her, but keep it low key and simple. If she is simply shy and intimidated, with time she'll come around and loosen up a bit. She still might not be a very effusive person, but it would be a pity to give up on what can be a nice relationship based off of this one time.

I hear that. I'll definitely do simpler next time. I did go over the top because it was Shabbos Chanukah.

Ema of 5 ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 4:27 pm

amother OP wrote:

I guess I'm so different that to me it's inconceivable that someone can act this way. My other sil is the opposite when she comes. So complimentary and thankful.
I guess I'll give it more time.
Thanks everyone!
And to explain I don't need a million compliments but some acknowledgement of my food and decor would have been appropriate.

Maybe she wasn’t acting like anything. Maybe you’re going all out made her feel inadequate, and like she could never host in such a way, and how will she ever fit into the family? She’s new (how new?) and probably hasn’t spent much time with you guys. If this was one of the first times she’s spent an extended amount of time with the family, I can definitely see her feeling inadequate.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 4:28 pm

Ema of 5 wrote:

She knows it's not a family thing because she's been hosted by others. And they definitely hosted simpler.

↑ Ema of 5 ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 4:29 pm

amother NeonPurple wrote:

I understand you op. I make really nice meals and my sil only looks to criticize.

That sounds really awful, but it doesn’t sound like what op described here. There’s a different between being shy and looking for negative.

amother

Ecru

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 4:33 pm

amother OP wrote:

If you want to understand social anxiety, think of something you're scared of and how reluctant you'd be to do it. Like if you're scared of spiders, imagine people around you keep touching a tarantula as if it's normal and you know they expect you to touch it too but you just can't bring yourself to do it even though you're ashamed that you can't be normal like them.

Imagine that feeling of fear every time you want to open your mouth to give a compliment. She was probably kicking herself at the end that she never built up the courage to give a compliment and feels ashamed. Talking from experience.

amother

↑ Gardenia

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 4:34 pm

amother OP wrote:

I want to invite them because her husband is a really nice guy who happens to be dh's brother and I know he would love to be invited more often.
But if his wife's behavior turns me off...

Do her a favor and don't invite them. They should be hosted by people who can look past her shyness and enjoy her company anyway. Maybe even draw her out a little.

amother

Floralwhite

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 4:34 pm

Everyone is saying give her time to warm up, but honestly even after some time she may be like me, not super complimentary. I am very quiet and shy. I feel extremely awkward giving compliments, I think I have a little bit of social anxiety. I feel like everything I say is too little, so I say nothing except a generic “thank you”. That doesn’t mean I don’t love them. I do. I am a nice person. I’d go to the ends of the earth for my family (and by my family I mean DH’s too), I love to help however I can. I am just not good at compliments.

↑ Ema of 5 ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 4:34 pm

amother OP wrote:

I'm not hosting for compliments.
But if someone acts cold and uncomplimentary it's a huge turnoff for me.
I am the exact opposite. If someone took the time and effort to cook for me I will acknowledge it.

You have not said anything that would indicate she was cold. She didn’t complain or make negative comments. As others have said, some people just aren’t the gushy type. And again, she’s new to the family. Do you have any idea how hard it may have been for her just to say thank you? Do you know if she was overwhelmed? Do you know if she felt like she would never be able to live up to your standard?

amother

White

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 4:36 pm

I know someone like this. Never ever compliments or says thank you. She's not shy. When I gave a generous baby gift after she had a baby, her response was, Lots of people gave us baby gifts.
I actually find it fascinating on some level, how she can come up with a response that doesn't include the words thank you.

It's not insulting because clearly the issue is her. It is what it is.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 4:37 pm

Ema of 5 wrote:

I can't explain it. She gives off a very cold vibe. But maybe it's from shyness.
I feel bad for judging her. I just get so turned off from such behavior.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 4:38 pm

amother Floralwhite wrote:

I don't need super complimentary. Once is enough.
Thank you for sharing your perspective. It's interesting to hear.

amother

↑ Hosta

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 4:38 pm

I was always shy and people thought I was snobby

It is what it is

I’ve opened up a little bit but I get very quiet at big Shabbos tables with other people, I’m just shy and reserved and listen rather than talk

Luckily dh appreciates me and so does my mother in law and my own family

My sisters in law are the most generous people and giving and never expect much from me

I guess I got lucky!

I do try to stretch myself bec it’s never good to stay in comfort zone but I am married over a decade so obviously I’m much more comfortable now than I used to be.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 4:41 pm

amother Hosta wrote:

You can stay in your comfort zone but if someone hosts you say 'Thank you your food was delicious'. Zehu. That's enough.

I think using shyness as an excuse is a cop out in some situations.

amother

Blue

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 4:42 pm

I will echo what was already said
- maybe she is intimidated by the over-the-top Chanukah seuda you prepared, so try to keep it simpler next time
- maybe she is shy and needs more time to warm up and get to know you, so keep hosting them and give her time to get to know you and your family

Also, I remember being so overwhelmed and preoccupied with all the niddah stuff as a newlywed, that there was little room for me to think of anything else. Whether she is anxious about completing her 7 nekiim, or worrying about people noticing she’s not passing things directly to husband, or whatever it may be…give her grace please.

↑ Raizle ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 4:45 pm

amother OP wrote:

She sat at my table for over 3 hours with not a word of acknowledgment and then when she left I got a small thank you (her saving grace). If anyone finds it not odd then I guess you do the same.

No I would think she's really shy and overwhelmed.

amother

↑ Aubergine ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 4:46 pm

amother OP wrote:

You can stay in your comfort zone but if someone hosts you say 'Thank you your food was delicious'. Zehu. That's enough.

I think using shyness as an excuse is a cop out in some situations.

So many others have said that they don't expect compliments and they're fine with just a thank you. Nobody is a mind reader. You can't expect everyone to know what you want to hear. And people have explained a million reasons why she might not have said what you wanted to hear. Sounds like you just have a problem with her.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 4:47 pm

I am listening and internalizing everything I'm hearing from nice posters on here who are giving me an inner glimpse and different perspective of a shy person. So why am I getting so much 'love' when I as a hostess am stating a little something you can do to make a hostess feel more acknowledged and appreciated?
Understanding goes both ways.

amother

↑ Aqua ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 4:48 pm

amother White wrote:

The sister in law did say thank you.

↑ Raizle ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 4:50 pm

amother OP wrote:

I can't explain it. She gives off a very cold vibe. But maybe it's from shyness.
I feel bad for judging her. I just get so turned off from such behavior.

Does she have a resting b**** face?

That plus being shy would give the false illusion of coldness.

↑ Ema of 5

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 4:51 pm

amother OP wrote:

She knows it's not a family thing because she's been hosted by others. And they definitely hosted simpler.

That’s what you took away from my comment? So let’s change it. Maybe she saw everything you did, and was thinking to herself that she would never be able to live up to YOU and YOUR standards.