Sil didn't compliment even once!

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 4:03 pm

amother Hosta wrote:

If you’re inviting them for compliments from each of them, then I guess don’t invite them again

If you’re inviting them just bec you want to spend time with them and host the new couple, then yes invite them

I personally don’t invite people to get compliments. I invite to share company or be helpful and gracious.

I want to invite them because her husband is a really nice guy who happens to be dh's brother and I know he would love to be invited more often.
But if his wife's behavior turns me off...

amother

Lightgray ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 4:04 pm

amother OP wrote:

I'm not hosting for compliments.
But if someone acts cold and uncomplimentary it's a huge turnoff for me.
I am the exact opposite. If someone took the time and effort to cook for me I will acknowledge it.

She did acknowledge you

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 4:04 pm

amother Hosta wrote:

She doesn’t always say the food was good- sometimes just my brother does. They both say thank you. And they ate the food so I assume they thought it was good. I don’t host them for the compliments. She helps clean and serve etc she has good middos and I don’t need her to compliment my cooking.

Well, she did none of that.
And she barely ate. That I attributed to shyness.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 4:05 pm

amother Lightgray wrote:

She did acknowledge you

She sat at my table for over 3 hours with not a word of acknowledgment and then when she left I got a small thank you (her saving grace). If anyone finds it not odd then I guess you do the same.

amother

↑ Lightgray ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 4:06 pm

amother OP wrote:

She sat at my table for over 3 hours with not a word of acknowledgment and then when she left I got a small thank you (her saving grace). If anyone finds it not odd then I guess you do the same.

I'll say it again, she acknowledged you.
Not the way you envisioned it, but in her way.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 4:06 pm

Amazing how you all attack on her.
Maybe all of you should take this as a lesson to be a better guest.
There is something called middos.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 4:07 pm

amother Lightgray wrote:

I'll say it again, she acknowledged you.
Not the way you envisioned it, but in her way.

That's your opinion.

amother

Garnet ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 4:07 pm

As a very shy person, I beg of you to give your sil some grace. I used to feel tremendously pressured when my sil went over the top while hosting me. I wanted to compliment but the words would get stuck in my throat or sound unnatural. I'd end up with a strangled "Thanks for hosting us." and walk away feeling so awkward and wishing I wouldn't have been invited in the first place. When the hostess didn't make a huge production I felt much more comfortable and was able to sound more sincere. Your sil might have social anxiety or she's simply still trying to find her place in the family. Don't make it about you and don't assume that she has bad middos.

amother

↑ Aqua ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 4:07 pm

amother OP wrote:

I want to invite them because her husband is a really nice guy who happens to be dh's brother and I know he would love to be invited more often.
But if his wife's behavior turns me off...

You really have unfair expectations of your SIL. I hope she doesn't sense your attitude, it's not easy being a guest to such a person.
Especially not if the guest is a shy newlywed, that's overwhelmed and probably feels intimidated by you.
If you get so turned off & upset if someone doesn't compliment you, then maybe you shouldn't host.

amother

↑ Lightgray ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 4:07 pm

amother OP wrote:

She sat at my table for over 3 hours with not a word of acknowledgment and then when she left I got a small thank you (her saving grace). If anyone finds it not odd then I guess you do the same.

This is totally your interpretation of the facts, which is fine - all humans have interpretations to facts
But you're taking it like this and now question long if you should invite again? Time to let go of this interpretation

amother

↑ Lightgray ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 4:08 pm

amother OP wrote:

That's your opinion.

No it's the fact based on what you said.
Your opinion is that she said something "small" "at the end" "to save face".

amother

↑ Aqua ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 4:08 pm

amother OP wrote:

That's your opinion.

No, that is a fact you posted. You said that she said thank you. Which means that she did acknowledge.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 4:09 pm

amother Garnet wrote:

Thank you for your perspective. You shared how you feel without attacking.

amother

↑ Aqua ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 4:10 pm

amother OP wrote:

Amazing how you all attack on her.
Maybe all of you should take this as a lesson to be a better guest.
There is something called middos.

You're not being very nice. It seems like you're hosting for yourself & compliments.
Your sister in law is probably intimidated by your attitude. Maybe start working on yourself now before you have daughters in law.

amother

↑ Alyssum ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 4:18 pm

amother OP wrote:

For all you saying you were or are too shy to compliment a hosts food. Please know it can come across very insulting.
BH I know I'm a good cook. But for someone who's unsure they can really be complexed.

I’m so sorry you feel insulted but what’s your solution? Change her personality? Hashem made her shy and frankly you’re being selfish in demanding she gush over your food the way you would do to others. She’s not you, she’s not comfortable yet. Get it?

And the way you’re going about it I wonder if she’ll ever feel comfortable in your presence. You sound very intimidating honestly.

↑ lamplighter

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 4:19 pm

This is a new relationship and you're the older SIL here so it's your role to welcome her and to give her time to warm up especially since you said she's shy.
Of course keep inviting her!
Also try to be dan lkaf zechus, it'll make both of you happier.

amother

NeonOrange

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 4:20 pm

Thank you at the end of the meal is lovely. She was probably frantic that you set a very high bar.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 4:21 pm

amother Alyssum wrote:

I didn't need her to gush. One time to acknowledge that my food was good (even if she didn't like it) would be appropriate.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 4:22 pm

I'll be honest her coldness bothered me more than lack of complimenting.
But maybe it was from shyness...

amother

↑ Garnet ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 4:25 pm

What I would suggest is don't give up on hosting her, but keep it low key and simple. If she is simply shy and intimidated, with time she'll come around and loosen up a bit. She still might not be a very effusive person, but it would be a pity to give up on what can be a nice relationship based off of this one time. If this doesn't change over time, just let go and give her space. Focus on hosting people who seem to enjoy it more.