Im horrified! Ds read private letter!

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Forum -> Parenting our children

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amother

Sage

Yesterday at 8:27 am

Why is everyone busy diagnosing? you never heard of a snoopy teenager who discovered something private and his curiosity got the better of him? not every parents room is so private.... lets not get side tracked. op asked for advice on what to do now with the information he knows.

my opinion like some others said is for you and your husband to speak to him after things settle down and explain that youre on the same page and sometimes parents get upset etc etc....

amother

↑ Clear

Yesterday at 8:36 am

amother Sage wrote:

You know that reading someone’s else’s letter is equal to marrying two wives?

amother

DarkRed

Yesterday at 9:01 am

amother Clear wrote:

You know that reading someone’s else’s letter is equal to marrying two wives?

Huh? They both might be a cherem instituted by the same person, doesn't mean that it's the same level of wrong to do it.

amother

Oxfordblue

Yesterday at 12:52 pm

amother Sage wrote:

I was a snoopy teenager once-but whatever I read from my parents, or saw in their room while they went on vacation and couldn't help myself- I NEVER told them- I was ashamed that I did something wrong.
Posters are responding to that. A child using this info against his parents is next-level disturbing, and OP saying its besides the point- it really isn't.
I agree with a poster above who said that the amount of nonverbal noncommunication being used in this family to make points to each other sounds toxic

amother

Crocus

Yesterday at 1:01 pm

why do you feel such a need to shield your son from the ups/downs of a marriage to the point you are horrified he saw this? I would be very angry at my son for snooping like that but I dont think you need to portray yourself as a saintly couple who never fights.

miami85 ↓

Yesterday at 1:32 pm

Towards the end of my parent's marriage, my father was not taking care of himself--including the last day he was in my house. It was a long few months prior that were very stressful because of my father's various health conditions and they were bickering a lot and saying things that, I don't remember now, but I remember it being less than loving.

My father ended up in a medical crisis that fateful day and my mother yelling that if he didn't go to the doctor she was going to file for divorce.

He finally agreed to go to the doctor, he recovered slightly, but he never came home. He passed away about 3 weeks later.

My mother always spoke glowingly and lovingly about my father, which being that I was a teenager I was surprised at my mother's seeming-180.

Years later I saw a video that explained how loving and being angry with someone--especially someone who isn't taking care of him/herself--are really just extensions of the same feeling. We can get upset with someone we love because of how much we really love them and WANT them to improve so that the relationship can improve.

I used to be a big fan of positive parenting and communication being the key to good parenting--and in reality it is still very important. But I also now realize that as long as my kids think that "Mommy is ok with this", then they keep taking advantage, and then they never realize how much it impacts me. Thus, I have to "get angry" or "lose my temper" sometimes so that they understand that it's NOT ok for mommy to have to constantly cleaning up messes, or they can get away with not helping etc.

↑ miami85

Yesterday at 1:47 pm

p.s. I added that last statement about parenting as it might help explain to your son how "sometimes you have to get upset/yell and him because you love him and need him to learn to be better at XYZ" it's not because you "hate" him or "want a divorce" from him.

amother

↑ OP

Yesterday at 3:42 pm

amother Oxfordblue wrote:

You have absolutely no idea what is going on in my house, and just judging from 2 episodes. How can you judge like that?
For the record, the item dh took away from him was clearly explained to him and told in advance that this will be done. As far as the letter, I personally think it was a very healthy form of releasing pent up emotions. I had alot to tell dh but I knew that if I say certain things I will blow up like crazy and things will get out of hand, so I wrote them In a very expressive way, everything that was on my heart. This was a letter that dh actually read. To me, this is a form of communication. Then we spoke. But it was a great way of opening the talk.

holiday ↓

Yesterday at 4:14 pm

I’m just wondering, is it the only letter he could have seen? I know from own experience that sometimes we imagine that someone saw what we are scared of while they saw something completely else and less scary, just be careful.
I also think it’s funny that he read your letter and probably thinks, my parents are in such a bad relationship and just “act” kind but hate each other etc….. (I’m sorry, don’t mean to hurt you, that’s just how some teens brains work) why would he come in such a time threatening you about something that your husband did? He would think that you are not the way through to your husband.
Do you get what I mean?

↑ holiday

Yesterday at 4:17 pm

amother OP wrote:

I totally agree, most therapists would advice to write down and then burn it

amother

↑ Oldlace

Today at 2:07 am

amother Floralwhite wrote:

Who got you the diagnosis?

A psychologist and a psychiatrist, obviously...
What kind of question is that???

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