Where did I go wrong? Or did I? Be honest but gentle please

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 11:06 pm

amother Cerise wrote:

Then how come up thread you said she reads all day? Or was playing a board game all day? I’m Confused

She's home by 4 and spends the rest of her time reading or playing. The Monopoly game was initiated by older DC and actually started at 8:00.

amother

DarkGreen

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 11:08 pm

giftedmom wrote:

During the winter my ten year olds bedtime is 9:30, he wakes up at 7:15

Wow, thats pretty late.
I know families with ten year olds who have a bed time between 8 - 8:30.
Why such a late bed time?
Mine are older now but at 10, bed time was 8ish.

amother

Crystal

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 11:08 pm

Wow I wish my 11 year old would be in bed before 10. And then he still reads when he gets into bed. He gets up 7:30.
How do you do 8:30? I think you are a drop rigid but definitely impressed with you.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 11:08 pm

amother Honeydew wrote:

8:45 in bed and I allow her to read till she falls asleep. Most nights by 9:30.

She shares a room with a younger sibling so she can't read in her room and keep that sibling awake. That's why there's an official time limit to her reading because she's doing it on the couch in the main living area of the house.

amother

Pear

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 11:17 pm

amother Crystal wrote:

Why is it impressive to be rigid? Feel bad for kids with rigid parents.

mushkamothers

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 11:21 pm

One thing you could do that I'm not hearing here and maybe the reason why people say you're rigid (rather than just really good at enforcing boundaries) is collaborative problem solving.

"You brushed your teeth already. What's your plan if you eat something again right now? What are you thinking of eating? How will you make sure your teeth stay clean?"

Or what you can do now:
"Last night bedtime didn't go so smoothly. You were hungry. What do you think we could do in the future? What solutions can you think of for making sure your needs are met and your bedtime is kept to?"

She's 10 and more than capable. You'd be surprised, she might actually have good ideas that you wouldn't have thought of.

amother

Sage

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 11:22 pm

It's interesting that so many people are finding this rigid. I don't think that enforcing a bedtime is rigid and 8:30 for an 11 year old with a 7:00 wake up is not crazy at all.
Maybe because it's summer she could have used a little more wiggle room but it sounds like she was in "kvetching mode" anyway and another snack or an extra 10 mins wouldn't have made a difference, she just didn't want to go to bed. I don't see anything glaringly wrong with how OP handled this and her daughter seems like a typical 11 year old.

amother

↑ Honeydew ↓

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 11:22 pm

amother OP wrote:

I bought a little light that clips on to a book. Rechargeable. It doesn't light up the room.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 11:25 pm

mushkamothers wrote:

I do plan on discussing it with her tomorrow and getting her input. In the moment it was really hard to do since she kept on changing her complaints.

amother

Vermilion ↓

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 11:35 pm

Maybe it’s just me but I find the time allotments cut into tight ten minute increments, very rigid. In my house my 9 year old begins preparing for bedtime around 8ish and hopefully is in bed by nineish. We don’t run on a military clock in here. Maybe that’s a bad thing?

amother

↑ Springgreen

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 11:36 pm

amother OP wrote:

I do plan on discussing it with her tomorrow and getting her input. In the moment it was really hard to do since she kept on changing her complaints.

Kol hakovod to you. You seem like a devoted mother trying her best. I'm impressed with how receptive you are to other imamothers and that you are willing to discuss this issue with your daughter.

amother

Yolk

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 11:38 pm

I think it's good that you have rules that you stick to. Don't listen to all the posters who say you are too rigid. I think they forgot that kids will push and push at bedtime for any distraction or extension of time. And they will pick something that you'll feel guilty denying.
My opinion of where you went wrong is you missed several opportunities to validate her feelings while still enforcing the rules. You tried instead to give her advice of what to eat, tell her she should have left more time, convince her that she's being unreasonable about her "tantrum" because you don't even have what she wants.
Can I recommend you read "how to talk so kids will listen and how to listen so kids will talk" this scenario would be addressed in the very first chapter.
I think you handled it normally, and you don't sound too strict, you may just be missing the validation and sympathy without anything else for both of you to figure out how to move forward in these situations. That doesn't mean you give her what she wants, it means you are validating the feelings only.

amother

↑ Honeydew ↓

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 11:41 pm

amother Pear wrote:

Why is it impressive to be rigid? Feel bad for kids with rigid parents.

Some kids need it. Secondly, being rigid about bedtime is not a bad thing.
In this instance we see rigidity, doesn't mean OP is rigid all the time.

amother

Lightgreen ↓

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 11:46 pm

This is all so foreign to me!
Why is she going to sleep so early? Why is it a big deal if she needed a few extra minutes to drink a tea? At ten she’s already a whole person. U can guide her but I don’t get the micromanaging

amother

↑ NeonGreen ↓

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 11:48 pm

amother OP wrote:

Maybe you can get her a book light so she can read in bed without disturbing her sibling.

amother

↑ NeonGreen ↓

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 11:49 pm

amother Honeydew wrote:

Some kids need it. Secondly, being rigid about bedtime is not a bad thing.
In this instance we see rigidity, doesn't mean OP is rigid all the time.

The entire interaction & situation, displays rigidity from mom in general, not just regarded bed time. OP seems so busy with rules & enforcing said rules, she seems to be forgetting that she's talking to a child with feelings. Rules are important. But we can't go overboard with rules as if we're running a military base.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 11:56 pm

amother Yolk wrote:

I actually own that book. Time to reread it Smile

amother

Offwhite ↓

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 12:00 am

I agree with op being to rigid and micro managing instead of guiding. I don't understand why 10 yr old needs such an early bed time. I think the time can be later during yr and even later in summer. My 8yr old is going to sleep btw 9.30 and 10 in summer for 9.10am pick up.

amother

↑ Offwhite ↓

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 12:01 am

Why can't she be reading on couch past 8.40 ? Aren't children supposed to be welcome in living areas of house? She's readying. Not playing music dancing fighting....

amother

↑ Honeydew ↓

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 12:03 am

amother NeonGreen wrote:

Sometimes 10 year olds drag us into these things. It's still not indicative of general rigidness.