[STORY] Damsel in Distress (Update #17 - 8 Kislev p. 23)

amother

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Thu, Dec 30 2021, 5:35 am

EZRAS NOSHIM

"Chava, I'm really sorry."

"So am I," she manages to mumble.

"I'm not really sorry for helping," Eli continues, "I'm sorry for getting angry."

Chava doesn't respond.

"I don't get angry a lot, you know that."

Now Chava nods.

"I really worked on my temper when I was younger. And I was thinking, the last time I got this angry was when, well, one of my friends did something unbelievably stupid and dangerous."

Chava's curiosity is piqued. "What?" she asks.

"This friend decided to be more careful about Shabbos, but apparently didn't know the halachos of Pikuach Nefesh very well. Things worked out okay in the end, but it was a close call."

Chava's eyes narrow. "You're talking about me, right?"

"Yes," Eli admits. "Do you remember that Friday night when the panic button stopped working?"

"Of course," Chava responds shortly. It isn't exactly an easy thing to forget.

"Well you have no idea how furious I was when I found you lying there, more than four minutes without oxygen, because you decided that you weren't able to press a button on Shabbos."

"You do realize," Chava says cuttingly, "the only reason you knew it was four minutes was because I DID press a button on Shabbos."

"You're right, and maybe I would have figured that out myself if I hadn't gotten so angry. But I was livid.

"And then I realized that it wasn't your fault to begin with. That you had come to the door because it was your only way to get help."

They both sit quietly.

Then Eli sighs. "I got angry again today. But I realized afterwards, maybe it's the same story. Maybe you do have a good explanation and I just didn't wait to hear it."

The words hang.

Finally, Eli looks at Chava pointedly. "Nu?"

"Nu what?"

"Maybe you can explain what upset you?"

Chava runs her finger over the arm of the couch. "Maybe I don't have such good reasons."

"I want to hear them anyway."

"I don't think I was right though. I totally overreacted."

"Chava, quit stalling. What pushed you to overreact?"

"I'm not even sure."

"So think out loud," Eli persists.

Chava sighs. "It's not logical or anything. Just... when I saw that you had taken over for me, it felt like a slap in the face. Like you were telling me that I would never be able to pay anything back."

With difficulty, Eli keeps his mouth shut.

Chava continues voicing her meandering thoughts. "I spent a lot of hours feeling very vulnerable. I had to be totally, totally relying on other people just to stay alive.

"It was terrifying, humiliating, intense... all at the same time.

"What really got me through it was believing that it would stop eventually, and I could repay everyone.

"And then it was like you were saying... that I couldn't. That I'd always owe you too much."

Eli feels a wave of despair wash over him. Haven't we been through this before? Didn't she get over this already while we were dating? And all this she gets from a roll of sushi?

It takes effort to remind himself that it's not about the sushi. It's about the emotions.

Chava is bringing up a lot of feelings, and feelings are valid just because they exist.

In a sudden epiphany, he realizes that Chava has gone through a significant trauma.

And she has never been able to talk to anyone about it.

Taking a deep breath, Eli tries to use the active listening skills Rabbi Cohen had drilled them in. "So you're saying that you feel like you owe me something, and I'm not letting you pay me back?"

Chava shrugs. "Something like that."

Eli tries for a conversational tone. "So you think I married you to collect a debt?"

Chava considers that, then shakes her head negatively. "No."

"But you still feel like you owe me."

Chava nods.

Thoughts tumble through Eli's mind. Finally he speaks, without really thinking. "Well, now I've changed my mind about Ezras Noshim."

Chava is taken aback. "Are you trying to change the subject?"

"No," Eli responds slowly. "But I used to think that in emergencies, feelings and preferences don't count. All that counts is taking care of the emergency.

"But now that I'm listening to you, I'm realizing that maybe I was wrong. Feelings don't go away just because it is an emergency.

"I don't think me or Berke did anything wrong with how we handled your situation... but apparently there was a lot of collateral damage."

Chava blinks back tears. "And what does that have to do with Ezras Noshim?" she asks when she is ready to trust her voice.

Eli shrugs. "My guess is that the whole thing wouldn't have been as traumatic if it was other girls taking care of you, right?"

"I don't know," Chava answers honestly. "But it would definitely have been a lot less traumatic if there had been someone to talk to."

Eli is silent.

"Chava," he says finally, his own voice cracking, "I'm really, really sorry."

----

The rest of Shabbos passes peacefully, with no deep discussions or acrimony. There is a new sense of understanding, though, and Chava is grateful.

After Havdalah, Chava automatically heads for the kitchen to put away the rest of Shabbos, but Eli stops her.

"Chava, we need to talk."

"Again?" she asks warily.

"Yes," Eli says firmly. "Again."

"Can it wait until I load the dishwasher?"

"I'll help."

Chava is about to protest, but then deliberately accepts the offer of assistance. He really means well, she reminds herself. It's okay to get help occasionally. Right?

With the table cleared and the dishwasher running, Chava feels settled enough for the mysterious discussion.

"What's the meeting agenda?" she asks lightheartedly.

Eli's face is serious. "Chava, I've been thinking about what you said Friday night.

"I really think you need therapy."

Chava is stung. Her face reddens and she tries to put her hurt feelings into words. "So you think I'm messed up? And you realize that even if I did want to go to therapy I'd have to wait 18 months?"

Eli winces. "No, I'm sorry. That totally came out wrong. I meant that you deserve therapy to process all you've been through.

"I wish I could give you that, but I can't. So I want to at least give you space to talk it out.

"I've been so focused on my side of things, why what we did made sense. But now I'm ready to hear your side.

"I always knew intellectually that CPR is painful. But I am usually so busy thinking about what I need to do that I don't acknowledge it. Now I'm seeing that there's an emotional cost too. And even if I can't avoid it I should at least be able to hear it."

Chava is crying. A lot of it is the remembered loneliness and fear. But now it is mixed with a strong sense of relief.

She sniffles and wipes her eyes. "Thank you, Eli."

----

The moment is interrupted by a harsh knock on the door.

Eli jumps to his feet, and the door swings open to reveal a very unfriendly looking guard. "Mikvah appointment," he barks.

With a frightened glance at Eli, Chava slips a clunky bracelet on her wrist and follows the guard to the hallway. "I should be back in 20 minutes," she says.

----

Eli looks at the clock again. It has been well over a half hour. Where on earth is Chava?

He paces nervously, murmuring Tehillim, and tries to repress the bombardment of what if's assaulting his brain.

He is profoundly relieved when he hears footsteps approaching the apartment.

But he gasps when the door swings open and Chava steps inside. Her nose is bleeding and she is sporting a new black eye.

"Chava! What happened?"

To be continued...
ETA: Continued here