help!!!!!!!!!!! | Imamother

↑ amother ↓

Fri, Jun 05 2009, 7:11 pm

I feel bad saying this but I think you need therapy not him. if you get teh help you need to learn how to parent in a way that makes a kid feel loved and learn. not feel bad and always be punished with so much negativity, you can build him up. you can apolotgize for the mistakes you made and tell him it wont happen again (like going to bed without supper!)

he might need some therapy for the parenting so far but mainly parents getting the help thhey need is what helps

costanza ↓

Fri, Jun 05 2009, 7:21 pm

I seem to be the only one with a little bit of sympathy for amother for what her kid is putting her through - not vice versa. How many of you have kids that age behaving as badly as her son is? I don't think a slap for playing with fire is so bad. When I was growing up my parents never hit me, and thankfully I've never had to hit my kids, but if it was a matter of real danger, like playing with fire or a kid running into a busy street, you bet I might do it. It would be an emotional response, but one done out of fear and maybe, just maybe, the severity of the reaction would demonstrate to the child just how serious this is. I don't think she beat him with a baseball bat or gave him a black eye - a slap to a kid who has no respect for the boundaries isn't, in my opinion, going to cause such long lasting damage. There are greater issues here with his behaviour - give the mom a break instead of blaming her.

And, no disrepect, but the knee jerk reaction of so many here to "speak to the rebbe" kind of rubs me the wrong way too. The school doesn't seem to have much success disciplining this boy - all they do is send him home. The parents have to take matters into their own hands and figure out, perhaps with professional help, what to do. I'd start with my pediatrician.

↑ happymom ↓

Fri, Jun 05 2009, 7:53 pm

when kids misbehave its because they are hurting. as much as its understandable and human nature to get angry and make mistakes its our responsibility as parents to try and bring out the best in our children and think of ways to reach our children. hitting in anger is against the torah. so is rebuking them in a way that will not help and make thier self esteem beaiscally not there.

we have to think what can we do better to reach this child? channoch lanaar al pi darko. we arent born knowing eveyrhting about parenting and is is important to have someome to talk to who cacan help when we start having negative feelings and loosing our temper with a child.

↑ greenfire

Fri, Jun 05 2009, 8:10 pm

costanza - why on earth would you slap a kid for going into the street ... why don't you break his legs while you're at it ... this way he cannot go into the street ... sounds the same to me ...

teaching a child by communicating and grounding is more effective ... hitting hurts and a child will grow to feel unloved - so that point is moot ... just like you're afraid fire will spread; so too does anger ...

back to op and the tehillim - ditto on what others have said ... to punish a child by forcing them to daven - will ruin their true connection with Hashem and frumkeit ... and they will grow to resent davening at best - or go as far as throwing off the entire yoke of religiosity ... not the best idea

anyways - it is way easier to think when not in the heat of the moment ... so try to be more in control for any future bouts of teenage trials & tribulations ...

make charts ... rewards can be a coupon for pizza with permission ... find a class on the dangers of fire - maybe the fire department in your area has some safety with fire classes ...

good luck !!!

↑ flowerpower

Sat, Jun 06 2009, 11:52 pm

costanza wrote:

I don't condone hitting and I have never hit my children. And a slap on the rear is a far cry from breaking a kid's legs.

I was just saying I have sympathy for and can understand where this mother may be coming from. I have rachmanos for her situation and don't blame her. She had a moment of weakness.

I agree. Children are unpredictable and they don't come with answers. Sometimes you don't know what to do at the moment. Children at the preteen age can be hard for the parents and for the child.

↑ happymom

Sun, Jun 07 2009, 10:34 am

I was just saying I have sympathy for and can understand where this mother may be coming from. I have rachmanos for her situation and don't blame her. She had a moment of weakness.

she made it sound like this is an ongoing thing. if a mother makes a huge mistake by slapping a child or talking away thier supper, in order to keep thie r childs dignity it is appropriate to admit the mistake and apologize to the child and figure out ways to make sure it wont keep happening because it is bad for the childs self esteem and adulthood.

ruthla

Sun, Jun 14 2009, 3:54 pm

I don't think kids "need punishment" at all! Punishments are, by their very nature, designed to make kids feel bad. Is that really the goal of parenting? To make kids feel bad?

What you really want is to get your child to stop misbehaving. Sometimes "punishments" work, in that they make the kid think "I did this, now I feel horrible, I won't do that again." But when you're stuck in a negative cycle, punishing only makes things worse. He's probably thinking "I'm a bad boy. Nothing I ever do is right, Why even try to be good?"

I think you need to stop thinking in terms of "punishments" and start thinking in terms of "teaching him how to behave."

If he went out without permission, it's appropriate to restrict his outside playtime for a while. He needs to stay where you can see him since he can't be trusted to stay in the yard (or on the block, whatever your rules are) right now. But sending him to be early is just random and it doesn't teach him anything.

If you found him playing with matches, I'd take the matches away and TEACH HIM about fire safety. Explain what could have happened had he been careless. Maybe set up a space where he can play with matches in a safe way- nothing flamable nearby, adult supervision, etc.

So, you told him to stay inside, saw him playing with fire and over-reacted. You lost your temper and hit him. You're human and you made a mistake. I suggest you apologize to him for hitting him- let him know that you feel bad for hurting him. Explain seeing him with the fire made you scared and you lost your temper. Remind him that only Hashem is perfect, and the rest of us are always working on our middos.

In the long term, he's going to need more trust and more freedom. He's growing up, and if he's "treated like a little kid" he's going to get angry and rebel. But you need to talk to him about safety and responsibility. Let him know what's expected of him when he has more freedom, and that he can lose this extra freedom if he abuses it.

For now, when discussing with him that he's grounded for going to the pizza place, let him know that he can start earning more freedom soon, and explain what you expect from him when he gets it.

↑ amother ↓

Sun, Jun 21 2009, 9:22 am

Well- is it possible he was playing with fire because he's just bored? Kids do that. They don't have our calculations and depth of consequences or our reasoning. Also- go back and reread your posts. You're constantly thinking of ways to punish him- does he ever get a positive compliment from you?
Are you in Brooklyn? Perel Abromowitz helped me tremendously.
Im sure someone has her number around here....

You need to take a deep breath before thinking of any consequence. Don't just leave him alone in the house- give him some structured activity ( arrange the shoes in your closet, write something up, clean out a draw in your room...etc...etc...read something)...he wouldn't have found ways of "entertaining" himself like playing with fire...

bonnie

Sun, Jun 21 2009, 10:33 am

Here's another issue Id like to bring up- please don't take this the wrong way. But, sometimes, if there's an issue we need to look at ourselves. For instance, your son did something without thinking ( playing with fire, going to the pizza store alone). Well, either did you. You reacted instinctively to hitting him, etc...etc...
This was me a few years ago till I took parenting classes. Never react with anger- be a role model by learning calming techniques ( counting to 10- slow breaths, BEFORE reacting. This role modeling will help him tremendously.